"Something Ancient, Something New, Something
 Stolen, and Something Blue"

 Mervyn the Wonder Slug

--------------------------------------------

It was a gray, rainy, yucky day in the
Amazon river valley.  If you're considering
real estate there, let me warn you, it *is*,
you know, rainy.  Also, you should never 
ever use the river as a latrine, especially
if you are male.  I won't say why, but trust
me, it is a very good reason.

Oh, I'm Ted, Ted Spavin, but my friends call
me Mike.  I'm not sure why, but they're kind
of strange people.  In fact, one of them
was the reason I was here now.

"Hey Mike, whoda hell you talkin' to, man?"

That's him.  Hoodlum Smurf.  He comes from
a large family, had a tough childhood. Never
really got enough attention.  He has issues.

"Hey man, I ain't go no smurfin' issuez."

He's so delusional.  As I looked down at him
he made a show of adjusting his shades and
miniature black leather jacket.

"All right," I said.  "So what's this big
break?"

"I got this special deal, ya know?"

"A five-finger discount?" I said, raising a
skeptical eyebrow.

"No, man, it ain't like that.  This is all on
the up-and-up.  I got this, uh, cousin in the
electronics industry, see, and some company 
was was testing this prototype, on'y it, uh,
fell out of the smurfin' box on the way back."

Five-finger discount.

"So what *is* it?" I demanded.  Hoodlum 
reached into his jacket and pulled out an 
object several times the size of his own 
body.  I've often reflected that that would 
be a nice skill to have.

I examined the purloined prototype with
interest.  On the side, the words Unbelievable
Rare-stuff Locator were printed in small 
silver letters.  I raised another skeptical
eyebrow.

"By any chance, did this company also make
tinfoil hats to block out CIA mind-control
rays?"

"So what if they did?" said Hoodlum
beligerantly.  "Maybe they work!"

I was about to make a witty comment, but just
then the object in my hands began beeping.
It jerked forward so forcefully that our boat
was pulled to shore.  It dragged us through
the dense tropical growth, over hill and dale
and sinuous rill, through rain and snow and
sleet and dark of night, into a mysterious 
and ancient temple, through twisting passages,
narrowly dodging lethal traps that somehow
still worked perfectly after centuries of
neglect, until at last we emerged in the holy
of holies and beheld a wonderous sight.

Bathed in light upon the altar lay a small
jeweled box.  With trembling hands we opened 
it, and gazed upon the majesty of...the
Twist-Tie of the Ancients.

"It's smurfin' beautiful," gasped Hoodlum.

I stared.

"You putz," I said, bonking him on the head,
and started the long trek home.


The Sunburst Project, Week 12
http://www.chaoseed.com/btr/sbp/
8/16/00