John Evans
jevans@alum.mit.edu
Review of M.E.T.A. 1, Chapter 1, Scene 6
"Tenses"

Well, NeoPuu covered a lot of stuff in his review.  So go and read
his first.  Mostly in here I'm covering technical stuff.

There are a few tense problems, and I sort of got off on a rant about
how to do tenses properly...^_^;

As always, all the comments I make are mostly intended to get you thinking
about areas in your writing that can be improved.  Blindly following my
advice probably won't help you very much...Think about what I'm saying and
why I'm saying, and what other possibilities there are for things you
could write.

>        Drake stuck to the shadows as he kept his back pressed firmly to the 
>wall next to the window.  Thankfully his worn old greying trenchcoat still 
>served to help him hide in the darkness of the night.  He relaxed as he heard 
>the goon report what he saw to the others in the safehouse.

Just a suggestion, you might consider saying "help hide him in".

Now, the "what he saw"...You have to know what tense you're using.  You
could approach this from two ways:

The goon walked through the yard, reporting what he saw every few seconds.

Or:

The goon took a look out the window, then turned back and reported what
he had seen.

I really can't explain why these tenses are used how they are.  I'm not
an English teacher like my mother used to be. ^_^;  But I'm certain
they're correct.

So, as it stands, the paragraph is sort of written to agree with the first
method of doing things.  And that's fine, it works just how it's supposed
to.

But I can't quite shake the feeling that it might not *quite* be what you
*meant*...

>        `Whew.  That was close.  The cat that showed up out of nowhere and 
>distract the damn mutt was a stroke of luck,` he thought to himself.  As it 
>is, none of the people inside the safehouse would notice anyone sneak out of 
>the yard and make a break for it before they find the bodies.

Hm, pick a tense and stick with it.  You could say, "The cat showing up out
of nowhere and distracting the mutt was a stroke of luck".  Or you could
say, "The cat that showed up out of nowhere and distracted the mutt was a
stroke of luck".  Although...Actually, that second one isn't really
correct.  See, you have to say that an *event* is a "stroke of luck", not
that a thing is.  So the cat can't be a stroke of luck...the cat *showing
up* is a stroke of luck.  See?

Also in this paragraph is a little viewpoint problem.  Drake talks to
himself, then the "As is it, none of the" bit is supposed to be him
thinking?  Why change your style of conveying his thoughts?

And actually I disagree with NeoPuu here, it should be "As it was"...^_^;
It should also be "found the bodies".  However, this sentence is kind of
long and run-on-ish.  Just to make things clear, the sentence breaks down
like this:

As it was, none of the (people inside the safehouse) would notice anyone
(sneak out of the yard and make a break for it) before they found the
bodies.

Clear, I hope? ^_^;

>        "Are you sure?"  The ominous-sounding voice that spoke those three 
>simple words immediately chilled Drake to the very bone.  Drake saw the odds 
>of him escaping the goons without any of them spotting him shrinking by the 
>moment.  If the word on the street about Blackthorne was true, he'll be dead 
>-- or worse -- within the minute they find him.  The bastard was a freelance, 
>and from what he've heard one of the best there is.

I'm not sure about "ominous-sounding", it's sort of over the top telling
instead of showing.  It's like you're beating the reader over the head,
"HEY!  THIS GUY'S EVIL!"  You know? ^_^;  I think "to the very bone" is just
a little over the top too.  I personally tend to describe people having
their "stomach clench" or something...but that's a personal thing, and I
have my own reasons for it...^_^;

Also, I would recommend you take out the "him" before "escaping".  That
sentence is correct, but it's a bit clumsy.  Not just the "him", the whole
way it's phrase.  Personally, I would say something like "Drake saw the
odds of escape shrinking by the moment".

Anyway, there are some tense errors...

"If the word was true, *he'd* be dead within" meaning "he would be dead".
Another example of this construction:
"The vampire looked outside.  If it was day when he went out, he would
die." or "He would die if he went out during the day."
I believe this is the imperfect-conditional "if" construction.  It's used
when talking about something that's possible in the past, or being talked
about in the past tense.

If Drake were talking to someone, it would be different:
"If the word on the street is true, we'll be dead within a minute!"
meaning "we will be dead".  This is the present-future "if" construction.
It's used when talking about something that's possible in the future.

There's one more construction like this: The pluperfect-past conditional.
This one doesn't work with Drake, so I'll do the vampire again:
"If it had been daylight, he would have died."  "If he had gone outside
during the day, he would have died."  "If it had been day when he had gone
outside, he would have died."  This is used when talking about something
that happened, and is over with...When talking about what might have
happened, if things went a different way.

...Oh, and one more thing, you need to say "from what he'd heard", meaning
"from what he had heard", the pluperfect again.

>        "I'll check..."  The goon grumbled a bit at the unspoken belittlement, 
>but neverthereless complied.  He produced a small pocket flashlight, and 
>proceeded to sweep the yard with it's light like a prison guard would.

"its".  Remember, only use "it's" when you can replace it with "it is".
"it's" is a contraction for "it is".  Would you say "with it is light"?
No, so you use "with its light"...

Also, take out "would" after "guard".  It's unnecessary and makes the
sentence sort of weaker.

>        Right at the moment the goon turned towards him, there was a sudden 
>shout of alarm that made the man turn his head.  

This is correct, but I think it could be better. Consider "Just when the
goon turned".

>        "Cripes!  The Outfit's on to us!" screamed a shrill, whiny voice.  
>Tanner was obviously not in a good mood.  

I like the characterization of Tanner here.  It makes him into an
actual character, and is consistent with what we've seen of him before.
Good work. ^_^  Not only that, but it's nicely in Drake's viewpoint.

>        That was because by this time, Drake and Jarhead was already long 
>gone.

Subject-verb agreement: "were long gone"

>        "This case is not just a simple kidnapping case.  I think that there's 
>more to this case than a simple blackmail scheme, and my client is involved in 
>something that's a lot bigger than he knows," Drake replied, rubbing his 
>forehead.  "Heck, it's even bigger that anything that I can figure out."

Small comment: That's a long "reply".  I think you should move the "replied"
so it's after "kidnapping case".

>        "Drake," Jarhead replied flippantly, "you know very well that playing 
>the part of 'security' is just something I do to pass the time between jobs in 
>my real line of work."

It's hard to be flippant just saying someone's name. ^_^;


M.E.T.A. 1, Scene 6 Review
http://www.chaoseed.com/btr/meta/
9/11/00