John Evans
jevans@alum.mit.edu
Review of M.E.T.A. 1, Chapter 1, Scene 5
"Basics"

Well, I have a feeling the author isn't a native speaker of English.
Which is not his fault, of course.  But this review focuses on lots of
basic errors.

NeoPuu wrote a great review of this scene, and I agree with everything
he said.  Therefore I'm just going to focus on bits that he missed,
mostly minor technical mistakes.  (In particular, he had a very good
analysis of how the scene fits into the story as a whole.)

As always, all the comments I make are mostly intended to get you thinking
about areas in your writing that can be improved.  Blindly following my
advice probably won't help you very much...Think about what I'm saying and
why I'm saying, and what other possibilities there are for things you
could write.

>    Drake paralyzed instantly at the sound of the voices. These were the
>situations he hated the most, and judging by the events, it wouldn't be easy
>to get out safely from here, at least not right now.

That second sentence is too wordy, and it's also a run-on sentence.  Do
you really need to say "at least not right now"?

>    "Things are getting messy..." Drake shrugged. "If I don't get out now
>I'm toast!" he thought, trying to stay calm.

Drake hasn't seemed to be the kind of person to indulge in internal
monologues in the past chapters.  In other words: In past chapters, he
hasn't talked to himself that much.  So it seems a bit unusual.

>    Meanwhile, Jarhead looked at the house. There was nothing for him to do.
>It was Tanner. He just arrived to the house, in a black van. In fact, it was
>worse.  Tanner came with another guy, and a very unique man. He was known in
>all of Crummton, and way beyond. His real name, though, was a mystery, but he
>was known as "Blackthorne"

Logic gap here; How does "It was Tanner" follow from "There was nothing for
him to do"?  You need to say "A black van pulled up and a man exited" or
something, before you say "It was Tanner".  Or perhaps "Someone caught
Jarhead's eye" or something like that.

Also, since you're in past tense, you need to say: "He had just arrived".

Also, you always use "at" with "arrived", not "to".  So say "arrived at".

Another tense mistake: "Tanner had come with".  Actually, "had come with
another guy" is weak.  Say it a different way, like "Another man stepped out
of the van" or something.

Don't say "very unique".  Either something is unique or it isn't.  And it's
kind of weak in this case; It might be better to say "There was no mistaking
the second man".

"way beyond" is also kind of weak.  I would say just "beyond".

I kind of understand what you're trying to do with "His real name, though,"
but it doesn't sound good.  Just take out "though", you don't need it.

>    "Oops... Think they got Drake" thought Jarhead out loud, while he reclined
>on the tree branch, watching as a silent stalker.

You need a comma after "Drake".  Also, I think you should take out the
comma after "loud", and use "as" instead of "while".

>    Inside the house, Tanner was arguing with this Blackthorne guy. They were
>accompanied by a legion of those can-kill-anyone kind guys, you know, the
>normal mob bodyguards. Drake peeked at the room, and he saw this. He also
>noticed that all the guys were armed. Drake thought this was his chance to
>learn about the plan behind the kidnapping of the kids, and he focused on the
>discussion.

The perspective is contradictory.  Pick either first or third person and
stay with it.  Also, sentences like "and he saw this" are weak.  And you're
telling instead of showing when you say "Drake thought this was his chance
to learn about the plan".  If you just say something like..."Drake pressed
closer to try and make out the conversation", then the reader will
understand that Drake is trying to find out information.

Incidentally, I think 'Blackthorne' was the name of a magician a few years
back...That is, a stage magician.  Someone who performs on stage and saws
women in half and makes things disappear.  Y'know. ^_^;

>    "What do you mean you don't have them?" yelled Tanner at Blackthorne. "If
>you don't have them for 'morrow I'll get ya, if you know what I mean..."

Not sure what you're trying to say with "'morrow". It sounds kinda odd. If
Tanner runs a newspaper, he's got to be well-educated, right?  (Well, no,
maybe he isn't.  Maybe he's just evil and ruthless and lets other people
write the articles.  Hmmm...)  I'm also not sure whether he'd talk like
that, "I'll get ya, if you know what I mean..."  We know he has *some*
influence in some sort of organized crime, right?  Therefore he wouldn't
really act cutesy like that...Would he? ^_^;  I dunno, perhaps he would...
The point, though, is that I have this feeling it's more a mistake than a
deliberate choice. ^_^;

>    Blackthorne seated on a chair near him. Before talking, he grabbed one
>cigar from a table, but just when he was going to lit it, he was stopped by
>Tanner.

You need to say "sat", and it would be better to say "a cigar".

>    "Don't even dare"
>
>    "K." said Blackthorne, putting the cigar again on the box.

You should really add facial expressions here.  I can't stress their
importance enough.

>    The two men continued their discussion, and although Drake listened
>carefully, he didn't understand all of it. Still, he managed to copy a few of
>the key words: Dock, Evaluation and Vengeance. Drake was thinking about this
>he heard when he saw the bodyguards. They were moving, and they were going
>straight to the place where Drake was "hiding".

Not sure why you use "copy" here.  Is he writing them down?  I think
"catch" would be better.  I think you missed a word, "about this when he"
And finally, the sentences are a bit wordy.

>    Drake began to run to the back door. It was a good choice. Between an
>assasin dog and three assasins, one assasin dog was the smartest choice.
>Since Drake knew that those fellas were just checking the house, he ran
>fast and in a carefree way until he reached the door which led to the
>backyard of the house, the one with the deadly dog.

I think you spend way too much time and verbiage explaining all this. The
reader is smart enough to figure it out...All you really need is something
like, "Drake thought about the thugs coming toward him.  He compared them
to the dog he'd avoided upon entering the house.  He made a decision, and
began running toward the back of the house."  That needs a little work,
but hopefully you get the idea.

>    "It's now or never." said to himself opening the door in a swift, and
>jumping to the ground. The fall made a loud bump sound, a sound the bad guys
>noticed almost inmediatly. It was accompanied by the barking of the dog.

That period should be a comma, and you missed a subject.  "Drake said to
himself" or something along those lines.  And you missed a word after
"swift".  And that comma after "swift whatever" shouldn't be there.  And
just say "bump" instead of "bump sound".  And you misspelled "immediately".

>    The guy reached the window and looked thru it. The only thing he saw was
>the dog, barking to a bushy tree, and a few seconds later a cat emerged from
>it.
>
>    "It's only a cat..." he said, facing the others.

Ahhh, a cat scare.  A long-standing tradition. ^_^  (Actually this isn't
a real cat scare as such...A real cat scare is in a horror piece, where
there's some scary noise and you think it's going to be a monster, and
you get all worked up...and it turns out to be a minor thing like a cat.
But, whatever...)


M.E.T.A. 1, Scene 5 Review
http://www.chaoseed.com/btr/meta/
9/11/00