Review of META 1, Scene 5
Ok, I've decided to choose this episode for extensive review. I'll go through the entire thing, pointing out places where I felt the grammar, word choices, and such could be improved. After that, I'll cover characters and plot angles to show some possible future concerns. Finally, I've attached a version of the chapter rewritten by myself, which also contains things that weren't worth pointing out before.This is not an indictment of the chapter; it's just an example of the kind of thoroughness I would like to see in future reviews. The way I see it, the more thorough, the better. Of course, that doesn't necessarily mean correct...
This is also a little late. As of the time I am currently writing this, Part 6 (the next part) has been out for a day.
Drake paralyzed instantly at the sound of the voices. These were the
situations he hated the most, and judging by the events, it wouldn't be easy
to get out safely from here, at least not right now.
First off, "paralyze" is an odd choice because it's generally not something
that people do to themselves. It's more of a passive verb, like "he was
paralyzed with fear." Or, it's something you do to others, ie. "The monster
paralyzed the hapless adventurer." Let's pick "freeze" instead, since it's
commonly used in these cases. The next sentence describes Drake's dislike for "these kinds of situations" (being trapped in an environment with lots of hostiles). It's very wordy considering how simple the intent is. "Events" is a little awkward. Let's choose some less formal phrasing, possibly a bit of slang, to convey his mood. Here's an alternate version:
"These were the kinds of situations he hated the most, and from the look of things, getting out of there in one piece would be a tall order."
If you want, you can elaborate a little on his least favorite situations:
"These were the kind of situations he hated the most- trapped by a bunch of ugly thugs, with few friends and fewer options. From the look of things, getting out of there in one piece would be a tall order."
"Things are getting messy..." Drake shrugged. "If I don't get out now
I'm toast!" he thought, trying to stay calm.
"Shrugged" doesn't quite capture his state of mind; it's something you do
casually, and it conveys indifference. He's nervous, possibly desperate.
Perhaps he could grit his teeth, or curse, or mutter. "Messy" is an ok choice for his situation, although there are alternatives.
"Things are getting pretty hot..." Drake muttered, gritting his teeth. "If I don't get out now I'm toast!" he thought, trying to stay calm.
Meanwhile, Jarhead looked at the house. There was nothing for him to do.
It was Tanner. He just arrived to the house, in a black van. In fact, it was
worse. Tanner came with another guy, and a very unique man. He was known in
all of Crummton, and way beyond. His real name, though, was a mystery, but he
was known as "Blackthorne"
The second sentence here is a bit ambiguous. Does it mean "He was bored and
had nothing to do" or "He was unable to do anything to help Drake out"? I
assumed the second meaning, and rewrote the paragraph to make it more clear.
Also, Blackthorne may be an unusual individual ("unique" is an awkward
choice), but how is he unusual? Obviously, we don't want to give too much
away in the first paragraph, so I simply said something to indicate he is not
an ordinary goon (whether he is a goon at all, we don't know). A slight aside here- Blackthorne's name is very unusual. It has medieval connotations (like that guy from the Ultima series), whereas this is a gritty detective story, and those never take place before the 1920's, I'd say. I think that the bad guys in detective novels tend to have names that emphasize their toughness, like uh... "No-Nose Malone." Whereas, someone with a name like "Blackthorne" would probably get laughed out of a typical mob meeting. It's just a name, but still, names add flavor to a story.
"Meanwhile, Jarhead was watching the house, since there was nothing else he could do. A black van had pulled up to the house just moments ago. It was Tanner. In fact, it was worse than that. Tanner had another man with him, and he wasn't the usual garden-variety thug. He was known in all of Crummton, and far beyond. His real name, though, was a mystery, but he was known as Blackthorne."
"Oops... Think they got Drake" thought Jarhead out loud, while he reclined
on the tree branch, watching as a silent stalker.
Hmm... Jarhead isn't exactly a silent stalker. "Stalker" is a bit much- he's
observing, nothing more. He's definitely not silent, as he just said
something aloud. I'd drop that phrase.
Inside the house, Tanner was arguing with this Blackthorne guy. They were
accompanied by a legion of those can-kill-anyone kind guys, you know, the
normal mob bodyguards. Drake peeked at the room, and he saw this. He also
noticed that all the guys were armed. Drake thought this was his chance to
learn about the plan behind the kidnapping of the kids, and he focused on the
discussion.
Phrases like "you know" and "this Blackthorne guy" give this paragraph a
first-person perspective feeling, and since we're using third-person
perspective, it would be better not to use them. The description of the
bodyguards was contradictory- normal mob thugs aren't exactly
"can-kill-anyone", more "kill-you-at-the-drop-of-a-hat". I'd also emphasize
the fact that Drake is probably peeping through a keyhole, or a crack or
something. Come to think of it, Tanner is not a mob figure, so "mob" may not be the best way to describe his bodyguards, unless they *are* mob goons and that has some particular significance. Or, perhaps they're Blackthorne's guards.
"What do you mean you don't have them?" yelled Tanner at Blackthorne. "If
you don't have them for 'morrow I'll get ya, if you know what I mean..."
Blackthorne seated on a chair near him. Before talking, he grabbed one
cigar from a table, but just when he was going to lit it, he was stopped by
Tanner.
"Don't even dare"
"K." said Blackthorne, putting the cigar again on the box.
This is a little odd, because Blackthorne meekly goes along. It establishes
Tanner as clearly socially superior to Blackthorne. While that might be true,
since Blackthorne seems to be a mercenary of some sort, if he's good enough
and mysterious enough to be known only by a nickname, he might resent being
ordered around. A neutral action like shrugging, a resentful look, or
uncomfortable silence might be more appropriate.
The two men continued their discussion, and although Drake listened
carefully, he didn't understand all of it. Still, he managed to copy a few of
the key words: Dock, Evaluation and Vengeance. Drake was thinking about this
he heard when he saw the bodyguards. They were moving, and they were going
straight to the place where Drake was "hiding".
"Better get out of here..." he thought.
Drake began to run to the back door. It was a good choice. Between an
assasin dog and three assasins, one assasin dog was the smartest choice.
Since Drake knew that those fellas were just checking the house, he ran
fast and in a carefree way until he reached the door which led to the
backyard of the house, the one with the deadly dog.
I understand the point of this paragraph- establishing the "rock and a hard
place" dilemma. "Assassin" is a bit strong though; I'd substitute "killer
mutt" and "killer thugs" instead. Likewise, the alliteration in "deadly dog"
doesn't really work. Drake might be running fast, but certainly not in a carefree way- not with the state of mind he's in. Perhaps an all-out run would be better.
"It's now or never." said to himself opening the door in a swift, and
jumping to the ground. The fall made a loud bump sound, a sound the bad guys
noticed almost inmediatly. It was accompanied by the barking of the dog.
"Bad guys" works ok when people are discussing a story, but within-story,
especially in a story where good and bad are shades of gray, it comes off as
overly simplistic. We could use a synonym for "goon".
"Wat' ta' Hell?" one of them said, looking at the others. The leader
waved his hand to the location of the sound and went to check it.
The guy reached the window and looked thru it. The only thing he saw was
the dog, barking to a bushy tree, and a few seconds later a cat emerged from
it.
"It's only a cat..." he said, facing the others.
In this chapter, Drake managed to get out of the house safely, though he's literally up a tree. He managed to get a little more additional info from listening in on a conversation: the words "dock", "evaluation", and "vengeance." Could this lead to a fight at the docks, or are they referring to some other meaning of dock? (Dock someone's pay, I dunno...) Whatever happens, a little bit of information about the big scheme has been filled in, and that's good. Nothing about the plan from the previous chapters has been contradicted, and that's also good.
Drake left behind a bit of a mess with the two goons, so even though he's pretty much out of immediate danger, he did cause a ruckus. It's unlikely that Tanner's men will be so unprepared a second time.
A major character was introduced in this segment- Blackthorne. He could play a useful role- someone to insulate Tanner from the tedious business of kidnapping, murder, and such, but not as disposable as a typical grunt. Still, he seems to be an awkward fit, and needs to be smoothed out a bit, or he could bog the story down.
Character Summary
Here's a quick and probably incomplete list of characters, with a brief blurb on their backgrounds and what they're up to currently.
Drake Jackson: the main character, the "hero" of the story. A typical private eye, with a cynical sense of humor. He mostly does boring cases, but he's recently gotten caught up in something big...
Robbie: Drake's client, a low-level mob grunt. He hasn't been seen with Drake since he walked in his door. He's relying on Drake to locate his missing girl, who has practically been confirmed kidnapped in Chapter 5.
Robbie's girl, Erica: Seven year old adorable girl.
Elias Tanner: Editor of the city newspaper. Has lots of criminal ties, but is in direction competition with the Mob. He has lots of grunts- apparently he doesn't like to dirty his hands. He has hatched some plan having to do with the children of common criminals..."
Hack: information broker and tough guy. Drake now owes him a few favors- "small jobs", they're called. He's also supposed to let know Hack know if anything interesting happens with the case.
Jarhead: An old friend of Drake's from the Marines. Owes Drake his life from a while back, and is eager to help out. Currently watching Drake's back at Elias Tanner's safehouse.
Goons: A dime-a-dozen. However, two of them at Tanner's safehouse have been incapacitated- one by a chairshot to the head from Drake, another by a gunshot from Jarhead, outside the house. Even if Drake gets away, he's left behind some messed-up goons, which should alert the others to the fact that an unwanted visitor has been there...
Blackthorne: A mysterious man, mysterious enough to be known only by a nickname. He was brought in by Tanner for some nefarious purpose having to do with the missing kids. He's been ordered to get "them" within a day, whatever that means.
Drake froze instantly at the sound of the voices. These were the kind of
situations he hated the most- trapped by a bunch of ugly thugs, with few
friends and fewer options. From the look of things, getting out of there in
one piece would be a tall order.
"Things are getting pretty hot..." Drake muttered, gritting his teeth.
"If I don't get out now I'm toast!" he thought, trying to stay calm.
Meanwhile, Jarhead was watching the house, since there was nothing else
he could do. A black van had pulled up to the house just moments ago. It was
Tanner. In fact, it was worse than that. Tanner had another man with him,
and he wasn't the usual garden-variety thug. He was known in all of Crummton,
and far beyond. His real name, though, was a mystery, but he was known as
Blackthorne."
"Oops... I think they got Drake," Jarhead thought out loud as he reclined
on the tree branch.
Inside the house, Tanner was arguing with Blackthorne. They were
accompanied by a legion of typical "kill-at-the-drop-of-a-hat" mob bodyguards.
Drake took in the scene through a crack in the doorway. He noticed that all
the guys were armed. He figured this was his best chance to learn about the
plan behind the kidnapping of the kids, so he focused on the discussion.
"What do you mean you don't have them?" yelled Tanner at Blackthorne. "If
you don't have them for 'morrow I'll get ya, if you know what I mean..."
Blackthorne seated on a chair near him. Before talking, he grabbed one
cigar from a table, but just when he was going to light it, he was stopped by
Tanner.
"Don't even think about it."
Blackthorne shrugged and put the cigar back in the box.
The two men continued their discussion, and although Drake listened
carefully, he didn't understand all of it. Still, he managed to catch a few of
the key words: "dock", "evaluation", and "vengeance." Drake was puzzling over
the meaning of the words when he saw the bodyguards. They were moving, and
they were coming right towards his hiding place.
"Better get out of here..." he thought.
Drake began to run to the back door. Given the choice between a killer
mutt and three killer goons, picking the dog was a safer move. Since Drake
knew that the fellas were just checking the house, he ran quickly to the door
which led to the backyard, the one with the dog.
"It's now or never," he said to himself, opening the door with a single
swift motion and jumping to the ground. The fall made a loud bumping sound,
accompanied by the barking of the dog. The thugs noticed the racket
immediately.
"Wat' ta' Hell?" one of them said, looking at the others. The leader
waved his hand in the direction of the sound and went to check it.
The guy reached the window and looked through it. The only thing he saw
was the dog, barking at a bushy tree, and a few seconds later a cat emerged
from it.
"It's only a cat..." he said, facing the others.