John Evans
jevans@alum.mit.edu
Review of M.E.T.A. 1, Chapter 1, Scene 4
"Wordiness, Telling and Commas"

Ah, action.  Action is hard, no doubt about it.  There wasn't quite as much
action here as there could be.  It seemed to me like Drake had it fairly
easy in this chapter.  Not much went wrong with his plans.  Anyway, what
action there was was well done.  There didn't seem to be any real problems
with it, so that's good.  The plotting of the part is good, in my opinion.
The bit with the kids is nicely sinister, adds another interesting layer to
the story.  It's not immediately obvious how it meshes with the Outfit/
Tanner conflict Hack was talking about, but that's not a bad thing.  I just
have to hope that later authors don't just abandon that one angle...

The writing, however, did have a few technical problems.  You're basically
a bit too wordy, you show instead of telling stuff.  And you use too many
commas.  (Which is perfectly understandable.  I used to do the same thing.
^_^;)

As always, all the comments I make are mostly intended to get you thinking
about areas in your writing that can be improved.  Blindly following my
advice probably won't help you very much...Think about what I'm saying and
why I'm saying, and what other possibilities there are for things you
could write.

>        As Drake slowly turned the doorknob, he figured that he was in luck. 

This doesn't really work because "figured" is really a continuous action,
and you want an action that's more discrete in this case.  I would recommend
"As Drake turned the doorknob, he smiled to himself."  See, that shows what
Drake is thinking, without you having to tell the reader.  It also is more
discrete.  What I mean is...you can say "he smiled while he turned the
doorknob".  But you can't really say "he figured he was in luck while he
turned the doorknob".  See how that sounds odd?  "figured" is an action that
takes place over time, a continuous action.

Tanner's thugs hadn't even bothered locking the back door. Once the sound of 
Jarhead firing off a few shots to start a diversion came, he pushed the door 
open. It wasn't until he heard the low growling close behind him that Drake 

The "Once the sound etc. etc. a diversion came" is just too long and clumsy.
It's too much telling and repeating of information that the reader should
already have, and it just makes the sentence sound awkward.  It also makes
it unclear whether the "he" refers to Jarhead or Drake.  I would say: "Once
the sound of shots being fired reached his ears, Drake pushed the door open"
or something along those lines.

>        Drake considered himself somewhat of a cat person. Wouldn't want to own 
>one of the little furballs, but at least they usually left him alone, unless one
> happened to be lying in the bushes that he chose as a hiding spot for taking 
>pictures of a cheating husband. But dogs, they had an annoying habit of trying 
>to tear off portions of his anatomy when they found him in their territory, 
>much like the distressingly large dog now standing on the back porch was about 
>to do.

Portions of this seem a bit clumsy, with more of the same "wordiness" as I
talked about in the last paragraph.  It's not too critical in this case,
though.  Also, I would say "distressingly large one".  And I think you need
to say "something of a cat person".  "somewhat" just sounds odd.

>        As Drake slammed the door shut behind him and listened to the frenzied 
>barking outside, he reflected on the fact that there's never an easy break in 
>his line of work.

That needs to be consistently in past tense; "there was never an easy break".

>        Since nobody was coming to check on the dog's barking, Drake made his 
>way quickly through the house, and up the stairs. One of Tanner's men was still 
>in the house, but he was looking out the front window, allowing Drake to slip by
>him easily.

Take out the comma "house, and".  "looking out the front window" is a bit
weak, maybe say it a different way.  Also, the order of actions is a bit
vague here.  Like, Drake goes up the stairs...and one of Tanner's men is
still around, somewhere.  Where does Drake see him?  Before or after he goes
up the stairs?  What room is he in?  I think it would be better if you didn't
try to gloss over this, and described Drake creeping into some room and
suddenly seeing the goon standing there.  Or something like that.  You
shouldn't explain the whole search through the house, of course, but a bit
more detail just in that section would be good.

>        Drake cautiously moved down the hall toward the last room. If Robbie's
>girl wasn't in here, than this entire endeavor would be a wasted risk, and if

When you say "in here" it sort of feels like almost first person, or closer
third person than you've been in for the rest of the part.  I think "in
there" is called for here.  Also, you need to say "then".  "then" is for
saying what happened when and in what order.  "than" is used for comparisons,
"greater than" and such.

>there was one thing Drake hated (there were quite a few, actually, ranging from
>deadbeat clients to his landlord) it was putting his life on the line when he
>didn't have to. Which is why he was more than a little upset when the room 

That whole sentence turns out to be a run-on.  There are several places you
could split it up.  I would personally recommend: "be a wasted risk.  If
there"  Also, you should maybe say "pointless risk".  "wasted" seems like
they had a chance to do something useful, but they blew it.  And that's not
the case...the whole thing was totally pointless to begin with.

>turned out to not have any young girls in it. The two large men rising from 
>their chairs with expressions of angered surprise on their faces also added to
>the feeling.

This is a bit rushed.  He thinks about how pointless it is, and there's no
buildup of tension before he finds out that it's pointless.  This should be
drawn out a bit more, and described.  Describe him turning the doorknob.
Describe the goons sitting there and what they look like.  This is a kind of
section that requires short, rapid-fire paragraphs to produce tension, not
long-winded exposition.

>        The next sound was the shattering of a pane of glass in the window as
>a bullet smashed its way into the room, and struck the thug, who toppled forward
>with a strangled exclamation of surprise. His partner spun around to face the
>window, drawing his own gun, giving Drake the perfect chance to smash one of the
>wooden chairs in the room over the goon's head.

There's too much detail here.  There are also too many commas.  You could get
rid of the one right before "and struck".  And change "struck", that just
doesn't seem the right verb for a bullet.  "hit", maybe, or "embedded itself
in".  And how does Drake know it's a bullet?  Can he really see it as it
flies through the air?  I would say something like..."There was a sharp crack
and one of the thugs jerked and gave out a startled sound, as the window fell
to pieces behind him."

>        Drake flipped a thumbs-up to Jarhead, who was sitting high in the
>branches of a tree across the street, a grin on his face, and a hunting rifle in
>his hands. Bending down, Drake picked up the book the thug had dropped, and

Take out the comma "face, and".  Also "dropped, and".

>flipped through it. It wasn't as well written as War and Peace, but it was
>certainly a lot more interesting. The first few pages were just lists of names
>and addresses, some of them crossed out in red ink, and all in the parts of 
>Crummton notorious for containing the homes of gang members and the grunts of 
>The Outfit, Drake noticed. After those came a note, however, which made Drake's 
>day even worse.

The sentence "The first few pages...Drake noticed" goes on too long and
becomes run-on.  Also, I would take out the commas and "however".

>        Drake's thoughts were cut off as he opened the back door, and nearly had
>his foot bitten off by the large dog he'd escaped before. He slammed the door 

Take out that comma "door, and".  And "the large dog he'd escaped before"...
It just doesn't sound great, somehow.  Maybe just "the same large dog" or
something.  I don't know, you think about it.

>shut again, and began working his way into the house, when he suddenly heard the
>front door open and slam shut, followed by the sound of voices quickly
>approaching his location...

Bit of a run-on there.


M.E.T.A. 1, Scene 4 Review
http://www.chaoseed.com/btr/meta/
9/11/00