John Evans
jevans@alum.mit.edu
Review of M.E.T.A. 1, Chapter 1, Scene 3
"Describe and Expand"

    Well, the part seemed to set up things well.  Got from one point to the
next without much difficulty.  The story seems a bit more action-oriented
now, more so than was really implied in the first chapter or two.  But that's
only my view, and besides it probably doesn't matter.  The story's still
developing and finding its tone.  The pacing was a bit rushed in places, like
the author didn't spend much time on stuff he didn't think was important.
Which is often a very good thing, but...I just felt like a few opportunities
for characterization and description and stuff were missed.

This might have been a good place to cut off the chapter, by the way.  The
reader is left wondering what will happen in the next chapter when they
invade the house.  That would have made Chapter 1 about 17K, which is a bit
short, especially for a first chapter...but, whatever.

There were a few problem areas I'll go over in more detail.  Incidentally,
I'm only going to point out things that ravi didn't cover in his review.
Go read his review first.

As always, all the comments I make are mostly intended to get you thinking
about areas in your writing that can be improved.  Blindly following my
advice probably won't help you very much...Think about what I'm saying and
why I'm saying, and what other possibilities there are for things you
could write.

>        Crummton Mortuary.  Lovely place in the moonlight - if you like keeping company with
>stiffs.  I had too many memories in parts of the cemetery to feel comfortable here.  

I think I know what you're trying to say, but maybe there's some other way to
say it.  Like..."There were too many memories buried beneath the moonlit
grass."  Hm...

>        I spared a few moments to wonder how Hack had found out about the place, because 
>Tanner's people weren't likely to talk.  Those that did usually ended up taking a dirt nap 
>somewhere near where I was sitting.  Inside information?

I think some of this is unnecessary.  I would perhaps say:  "I spared a few
moments to wonder how Hack had found out about the place.  People who talked
about Tanner's establishments usually ended up taking etc.".  Also, the whole
thing sort of seems unlikely somehow.  That he's wondering where this
information came from.  Or is this just to set up a plot point?

>        I gave the house a once-over.  Nice little two-story.  Average suburban home - white 
>picket fence . . . 2.3 kids . . . and one mean mother of a dog in the backyard.  My first 
>indication of something a  little off; no normal family has a dog that looks like a cross 
>between a hairball and a meat grinder.  No idea what breed, don't really care.  If I do my 
>job correctly I don't get anywhere near it.

First, the "indication of something a little off" is...well, it's a little
off.  I would recommend something like, "indication that something was off",
or "hint that something was off", or "indication that anything was off".  I
would recommend "amiss", except that doesn't fit with how Drake speaks...Also,
here in this chapter you shift into present tense with "don't really care".
Staying in one tense and keeping it straight is very important.  I,
personally, always write in past tense.  It just seems natural and easier for
me.  But present tense can work too, of course.  Just be consistent. ^_^;

>        I met Jarhead outside of O'Grady's, after closing time.  "I can't believe the story
>you're handing me!  You're actually helping someone recover their little girl?  No divorce
>pictures anywhere in this one?"

Uh, hm.  I have no real sense of what this character is like.  A description
would be good.  Describing his facial expressions would be good too.  I think
facial expressions are particularly important.  They're a great way to show
that someone is feeling a certain emotion without explicitly telling it.  The
whole point here is that you're throwing away a great *opportunity* for
characterization.

M.E.T.A. 1, Scene 3 Review
http://www.chaoseed.com/btr/meta/
9/11/00