Final Fantasy: Fated
Playing the Fate Game
By: Sephiroth Clone #445
Zero: This is a Prologue Type Thing
<In joke for BWA> 'Bubba and Bobby Jo, Prez-dents uv tha Deep Dahwn Souwth Fated Faan Club are givehn mahre reasons to bahleeve that Lay-dee Kay-oss is a crawss-burnin' PAGAN!! An' are gonna string her up right 'longside these here soul-suckin' Pokay-mon!!"</end in joke>
(Inspired by a comment from BWA during prereading of FF:F 8 concerning the nature of who Gabriel was and the feeling I have today of needing to destroy something Impro-related)
Official Disclaimer-type thing: I don't hate the Impro Admins. They are our Impropimps and a crucial part of the Improfanfic supply and demand system. From my experiences I've had no reason to believe that Dan, Cal, Jake, and 2F are anything other than very pleasant folks. Trust me, anything somewhat anti-Impro in this fic is most likely a joke. The same goes for any comments made about Impro-authors. After all...you can't have Sephy Clones without something gettin' destroyed. ^_^
Sephy Clone scenes take place at least after the Blair Witch Intermission. SO help me God, if you haven't figured out there's going to be bad language and possible violence by now I don't want you reading this.
*
The ArchAngel Gabriel was generally a busy Seraphim. Aside from having to serve as the personal messenger for the Powers That Be because The Powers That Be had never heard of FedEx, he also had to deal out mercy along side of some wicked vengeance, and correct the poor, misguided ones who went around saying that his only or primary purpose was to act as the angel of death. That was Zauriel's job, after all, and that guy got righteously pissed with all the misconceptions and bad press.
So why exactly was such a busy guy was waiting around for a completely unimportant girl to wake up on this December morning? Actually, it was venturing close to becoming a December afternoon. He checked a golden pocket watch yet again, and then shrugged. He could always find someone else for the job, someone more...awake.
It was at that moment that the girl woke up, got out of bed and muttered something about "the last two reindeer-head cookies" and "hoped the coffee pot had been shut off". This was followed by the barely intelligible mutterings of "should study", "should get dressed", "should email that guy back", "should let the dog out", "morning, Inu", "wait, Inu's not real", "if Inu is not real then who was that?" and, finally, "why is there some bishounen with wings standing in my room?".
"Behold," said the ArchAngel Gabriel, "I am Gabriel, and I bring-"
"Are you with the carpet cleaner?" the girl asked. "Because Mom only wants the upstairs done."
He faltered. "Uh...no, I'm not with the carpet cleaners. Ahem, behold, I am Gabriel and I bring-"
"Man I hate those dreams where you think you're awake..." she muttered. "And you can never get yourself to wake up from them..."
"You're awake," he assured her. "Now, I am Gabriel and I bring-"
"Goddammit...you're an angel, aren't you?" she asked. "Man...does this mean I have to tell my parents I was wrong and I'll become a Christian like they'd like? Cuz I really don't like going to church...and I really disagree with some of the interpretations of the Bible that they have-"
"I'm not here to tell you to go to church," he replied. "The Boss really doesn't go for all that organised religious stuff. Just um...keep believing in him on your own."
"Can you tell my parents that? I think they're concerned about that some of the people I hang out with are atheists."
The ArchAngel Gabriel blinked. "Um...I've lost my train of thought. What was I here about?"
"How would I know? Say...you don't look anything like Christopher Walken."
"Who?"
"Does that mean you're not an evil angel hell-bent on destroying humanity so God will love the angels best again?"
He ignored her and pulled out an agenda book. "Just give me one second to find you...oh yes." He snapped the book shut. "Okay, as I was saying, I am Gabriel-"
"We've established this." She reminded him. "Right...so you'd be here to give me some sort of message, ne? I assume you're not an evil angel hell-bent on destroying humanity because you look nothing like Christopher Walken."
"Oh, you've seen The Prophecy. You would not believe all the negative press that's generated for me." He shook his head. "As for the matter of bringing a message, normally I would, but I'm here under special circumstances. I've come to ask a favour of you."
"Um...okay. I guess, since you're sure you're not an evil angel hell-bent on destroying humanity."
"Funny, but that's what I'm here to talk about. You see, as we watch over many, many worlds and dimensions, you must understand that it is difficult to keep tabs on each and every one of them. In response to this relaxation of security, certain beings have chosen to use this to their advantage, throwing the Balance of these worlds very off-tilt." He paused. "I have come to ask that you assist in seeing that the Balance of one of these words is restored..."
"Make the bad things go away so it can be happy fun time again?" she simplified.
"Uh...rather...yes....make the bad things go away, and bring back happy fun time...sure." He replied. "Are you interested?"
"Can I ask it?"
"Ask what?"
"The question that all Chosen Ones ask," she rolled her eyes. "Jeez..."
"Oh, right *that* question. Just this once."
"Why me?"
"Because...uh..." he trailed off. "Excuse me, I know I have that reason around here somewhere..." he proceeded to pat his pockets, and then pulled out a piece of paper. "At one point very recently, did you or did you not say 'I wonder if I could apprentice Gabriel'?"
She frowned. "Yes, but that was half-jokingly and in a private conversation via email."
"Have you not also said that your favourite angel is myself and expressed a strong belief in things like reincarnation, divine intervention, and the power of the human soul?"
"Yes, but I've also vocalised a belief in unicorns and my imaginary friend Inu, who detests the tyrannical rule the admins of Improfanfic inflect upon us poor writers. Even though most of the admins are really nice people. Inu dislikes what they stand for...not any of them for who they are as people."
"Are you familiar with an Improfanfic called Final Fantasy: Fated?"
Things seemed to click into place. "I'm not taking back that stuff I said about reincarnation. There is too a place for spiritualism in fanfics!"
"Yes, of course, that's why I'm here." He paused. "Now, if I was to tell you that such a world as Final Fantasy: Fated existed...and that the general problem was something you writers had touched on, would you consider forming a group that would band together to put an end to it?"
"This is the place that needs to have the bad people made go away so it can be happy fun time?"
"Yes, rather...very much so."
"And the problem would be...that Jenova-Sephiroth-half has no spine?"
"No, the problem would be this never-ending loop that Jenova has created and this Other."
"Oh, we have no idea how to fix THAT."
"How about going to the world with the extension knowledge that you possess and making the most of the divine intervention?"
"Self-insertion?"
"Yes, self-insertion. I understand that's a concept not really endorsed by the admins and general public of Impro."
"That's just one of the abundant hypocrisies of Improfanfic.com. I mean, hey, I didn't vote for Wing and Claw either, but that's because I only endorse self-insertion that I deem to be decently crafter and clever. I don't think I ripped the author apart, although I might have said something, most of my rants were about the stupidity of mass readership and the general lack of concern placed on quality. Plus defending my own starter from certain moron- Hey, if you want proof of how self-insertion is accepted, look at ImproParty...one massive self-insertion. Self-insertions are touchy...people will impro them if they're a part of them, but without general good writing and clever characters that are likeable they're the only ones who will read it. And most of the time they just read it so they can complain about their lack of time in the spotlight or how they've been written."
"So, you're stating that the general impro public and admins accept self-insertion if they are allowed to play a major part in it."
"I'm stating that self-insertion to any degree can be more trouble than it's worth if people are really picky."
"But surely you've come across some individuals that are easy to work with."
"...why am I discussing Improfanfic with the ArchAngel Gabriel?" she looked down at her flannel pjs. "In my pyjamas?"
"What I would like is a list of people who are knowledgeable about the world of Final Fantasy: Fated and who could be contacted to aid in the solving of its problems."
"Why don't you just look at the queue?"
"...don't question the way of an ArchAngel."
"You didn't think of just looking at the queue, did you?"
"I told you not to-"
"You know it lists all the people who've written for FF:F. All you have to do is go to the page and-"
"I don't know how to use the Internet, all right?"
She burst out laughing. "You're kidding, right?"
The Internet-Illiterate ArchAngel Gabriel frowned. "It's not nice to make fun of people who don't know how to use the Internet."
"Fine, okay, I'll try and remember who's written," she dug through a drawer and pulled out a piece of paper to write on. "Let's see...there was B.W.A., Kate Malloy, Sasha Harlow, Rift, Eric Jones, Chris Nicholes, Omi no Miko, Jake Wallace and myself. I might have forgotten someone."
"Ah, yes, very good." He looked at the list. "This will do nicely. I'm sure at least one of these Chosen Ones will accompany you."
"Uh...accompany me where?"
"To save the world of Final Fantasy: Fated."
"Oh." Blink blink. "This would be a good time to wake up, I think."
"Well, did you or didn't you say that you wanted to apprentice me?"
"Yes, but we've established that was half-joking and in a private conversation via
email."
"Well, let this be a lesson then, you shouldn't joke about certain things because the Powers That Be may just take you seriously." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a digital organiser. "With this you'll be able to access the Powers that Be's List, an item list for cashing in you acquired game points, and a list of alignments and specific background information for each important person in the Fated world. Plus, a regularly updated score sheet to let you know how you're faring in the competition." He handed it to her. "Remember, you're not just fighting for your survival, but the survival of an entire planet."
She looked at it, and then at him blankly. "I'm confussed."
He waved a hand. "Oh, this will all make sense once you get there. Of course we haven't worked all the bugs out so...you may experience some...minor personality changes. But don't worry, you'll be fully aware of your purpose and mission."
"Get...where?" she asked. "Mission?"
He patted her on the shoulder, and then looked again at his golden pocket watch. "I'd say now is as good a time as any. Good luck."
*
(#118 walks in and smacks #445 upside the head)
#118: WHAT are you doing?
#445: (rubbing his head) Writin' a parody...
#118: A parody? What, you can't think up anything ORIGINAL to write about so you have to distort something already written to make up for your own sad lack of skills?
#445: No, I'm destroying a pre-existing story for my own sick, twisted pleasure.
#118: ...Oh, well that's very good. Continue.
#445: ...Could you go away? I prefer to work in private.
#118: Don't push it, brat...or I'll give you something worse than a headache.
#445: (gulps) Um...okay, you can stay...but just don't TOUCH me.
#118: Deal...for now.
*
The Black Wyvren of Amorica's head hurt. Transcribing Blade by hand was one nasty job. Not only did he have to subject himself to actually watching the movie, but he had to subject himself to certain scenes again and again till he caught every line that had been said.
"I should have just gone online and found a script. They have everything online," he remarked.
"Behold," a voice said, and the ArchAngel Gabriel appeared behind BWA.
"Hmm...now how to find the script?" BWA asked. "Which search engine...oh which search engine do I use..."
"AHEM, I said 'behold'," the ArchAngel repeated.
"Not now miscellaneous fictional avatar, I'm busy-"
*
#118: "Miscellaneous fictional avatar"? What, he can't be bothered to name them?
#445: I haven't thought up names...it took me all day to come up with what "B.W.A." stood for.
#118: Well, do you at least know what these "miscellaneous fictional avatars" are?
#445: A mech and a vampire...and Satan.
#118: ...what the hell is wrong with you, #445?
#445: It's HIS avatars...
#118: YOU'RE writing the story.
#445: I'm not responsible for the characters' actions.
#118: (hits him) How do you figure that? YOU'RE WRITING THE DAMN CHARACTERS!
#445: Sephiroth made them up. I just gave them names-
#118: DON'T start with that crap. WE know you only PRETEND to be possessed by the Great Master for attention, and to shrug responsibility for your own actions.
#445: (goes very still. Note: he is now possessed.)
#118: Goddammit! I told you NOT to start that! (The doorbell rings) As soon as I get back from killing whatever damn door-to-door salesman or Jehovah's Witness that is I'm going to discipline you... (She stalks off)
Sephiroth: And now...I shall make B.W.A. the evil psychopath that he DESERVES to be...
*
"And with this Holy Book," the ArchAngel Gabriel handed a book to BWA, "you shall be able to guide the characters through any peril."
BWA looked at the "Holy Book". "I've already got a strategy guide."
The ArchAngel Gabriel frowned. "It's not a mere 'strategy guide', it's been blessed by GOD ALMIGHTY and tailored to Final Fantasy: Fated."
"How do you get your voice to do that?" BWA asked, taking the book. As he looked it over...he got a VERY EVIL idea, an idea SO EVIL that only a REALLY EVIL PSYCHOPATH could have thought it up.
He would use this advanced knowledge to further his plans to...DESTROY THE WORLD AND BECOME A GOD!
*
#118: (coming back in) #445, my stupid magical girl mascot-pimp is here...I have to go and stop Jenova-Tifa from taking over the fashion world...AGAIN.
Sephiroth: Very well. Be off then. And kick Squall in the head if you see him...I'm sick of that idiot pretending to be me so he can get some action.
#118: ...Are you feeling all right, #445?
Sephiroth: ...er...um...yes, #118, I'm fine. Why should you ask?
#118: Do we need to increase your Mako dosage again?
Moomba#5: (struts in) Hey, bitch, you ready? (he sees Sephiroth) Yo, homey, wassup?
Sephiroth: Ah, s'up, my homey? You're gonna go lay so smack down on Jenova-Tifa's empty head?
#118: It frightens me when they do this...
Moomba#5: Damn straight, yo! You freakin' know it, yo! Layin smack down and defending my corner is what my magical hoe does, yo! (he slaps #118 on the butt) Les'go, bitch. Later, homey.
#118: Feed the dog, #445. ...And #662 as well.
Sephiroth: ...Yes, #118, I would be happy to do that.
#118: And take your Mako pills. You're acting weird again.
Sephiroth: I will most certainly do that, #118.
#118: ...right. (She and Moomba#5 leave.)
Sephiroth: Now where was I...?
*
"You know," BWA scratched his head. "You don't look anything like Christopher Walken."
The ArchAngel Gabriel frowned. "Is it a requirement for Fated writers to have seen The Prophecy?"
B.W.A. didn't reply, he was too busy flipping through the strategy guide. "Hey, full colour glossy world-maps...very nice." He paused. " 'PTB List'? 'Goodie Guide'? What are these? They weren't in the game or the Improfic!"
"Ah, yes, you'll want to read over that section *very* carefully," the ArchAngel replied. "And note the additions to the character section..."
"Bri? Indigo? These chicks aren't in Fated..." he trailed off and smiled. "Ah ha! I have successfully made my voice do that thing! [Wai!]" He cleared his throat. "As I was saying, these chicks aren't in Fated."
"They are now," Gabriel replied. "You may wish to read that section I pointed out now."
B.W.A. flipped back to the special addition to his strategy guide, and all thoughts of the physically urge he'd had to MST Blade faded away into nothingness. "I must be a part of this."
Gabriel smiled. "Excellent, I'm certain with you and the others working together the mess shall be cleaned up in no time."
B.W.A. smiled a VERY EVIL smile. "Working together. Of course. Team work, that's the ticket."
Gabriel nodded. "Well, I will leave you to your preparations." He promptly disappeared, as Heavenly Hosts are ought to do. It's dramatic and a wonton display of their cool teleportation powers.
B.W.A. waited two-point-three seconds before he commenced an evil laugh so evil it had yet to be added to the list of 345 official evil laughs.
*
(#662 walks in wearing his flannel pjs, terrycloth housecoat and pink bunny slippers.)
#662: Hey, #445, I'm having a shower before I put my fig leaf on and head out to the Kabuki troupe practice.
Sephiroth: Ha ha ha! I have done it, useless flunky! I have created the most EVIL PSYCHOPATH known to IMPROFANFIC!
#662: (gasps) More evil than Twoflower?
Sephiroth: A hundred times.
#662: (gasp) More evil than Epilson?
Sephiroth: A thousand times.
#662: But surely...not more evil than...(he looks frightened) John Evans?
Sephiroth: Ten thousand times!
#662: Impossible! Such a fiend would be...(gasp) Greater than the Great Master!
Sephiroth: (stops smirking) Nani yo?! (he frowns) Well, perhaps only five thousand times more evil than John Evans is.
#662: Ah, so just slightly less evil than the Great Master.
Sephiroth: Once he is entered into this story...the downfall of Improfanfic is assured.
#662: That sounds...nice, but why exactly do you want to destroy Improfanfic again?
Sephiroth: Once I destroy Improfanfic, the Lifestream will flood up to heal the wound in the fanfic world and I shall absorb the power...becoming a GOD!
#662: Right...forgot to take your mako pills again, didn't you, #445?
Sephiroth: ...I am Sephiroth.
#662: (blinks) Oh, *you're* Sephiroth. Well, it all makes sense now. You ever need help destroying Improfanfic, you let me know. If I don't have somewhere better to be, I'll lend you a hand.
Sephiroth: Gee, really? Thanks.
#662: Don't mention it. (he leaves)
Sephiroth: Now...to begin my story...the story that shall DESTROY IMPROFANFIC!
*
The Beginning...
Beware the Radish
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