>Ultra #27 Exposed! By John Evans, jevans@alum.mit.edu. >Beware the Radish >http://www.chaoseed.com/btr/ >10/31/00 Hiroshi walked nonchalantly down a hallway, somewhere in the back area of the Ultradome. He was in a good mood; his real estate development projects were coming along nicely, Kanzuki Zaibatsu's stock was on the rise...and best of all, he didn't have to worry about the Hardcore belt any more. >Note that "Kanzuki" means Karin Kanzuki. I believe this joke was continued >from a previous chapter. >Also, Lilith defeated Hiroshi for the Hardcore Belt in the previous chapter. Yes, things were going well for Hiroshi. >And so we know what happens *now*. "Hiiiiiro-kun..." Hiroshi froze in his tracks. After a long moment, he slowly turned... Lilith waved cheerily, and walked towards him. >This was my attempt to...hm, how do I put this...concretize the "Lilith turns >good" thing Chris Nichols did in the last chapter but didn't quite explain >completely. >In fact, the thing with Lilith becoming "good" runs through the whole >chapter. "...Uh...hi." Hiroshi started to back away. Lilith stopped, and pouted. "Aw...what's wrong, Hiro-kun? Are you mad at me for beating you?" Hiroshi blinked. "...Um...who, me? No, no, not mad at all, no sir." >Hiroshi really doesn't want to be on the bad side of...well, anyone who's an >actual *fighter*... "Good!" Lilith beamed. "I just wanted to come and apologize to you." Hiroshi paused for a moment to realign his thought processes. "Aplogize?" he asked slowly. "Uhuh! Even if it was a match, I was kind of mean. I wanted to make sure you weren't upset or anything." She walked a bit closer to him, and looked up with large eyes... "...Um...yeah. No, it's okay." Hiroshi laughed nervously, and rubbed the back of his head. "I mean, it was a...Hardcore match and all. You won, fair and square." "Aw, that's so sweet!" Lilith took another step closer. "So...you forgive me for...turning into Rei and stuff?" Hiroshi's expression faded, and he looked away. "Oh...I'm sorry, Hiroshi. Really I am." Lilith stepped right up to close to him and looked up at his face. "It was a nasty thing to do. I wasn't trying to make fun of you, or her, or anything like that. ...Please forgive me?" Hiroshi looked down at her uncertainly. "...Well..." "Pleeeeeeease?" she wheedled. In spite of himself, Hiroshi smiled. "...Well...I guess. If you're sorry and all." "Wai!" Lilith waied, and glomped Hiroshi tightly, much to his surprise. "I'm so glad..." Hiroshi blinked. Then, after a moment, he blushed just a little, and started to fidget. "Um...Lilith-san..." Lilith stretched up on tiptoe until her face was next to Hiroshi's ear. "After all," she breathed, "I want you to like me for who *I* am..." >The whole scene was building toward this line. Whether it came off well, hm, >I'm really not sure... >The point is to set up this contrast; in the last chapter, Lilith tempted >Hiroshi by turning into Rei. But now that she's "good", she really has a >crush on Hiroshi and wants him to like her for who she is, not as a copy of >Rei. ...Just to totally dissect this plot point. ===== Daisuke walked slowly down a hallway, somewhere in the back area of the Ultradome. Daisuke's real estate development projects were also coming along nicely, as were his shares of Kanzuki Zaibatsu...and he didn't have to worry about Hiroshi, his best friend and the guy he spent several hours each week less than a meter away from, being involved in super-powered hardcore fights. Yes, things were going well for Daisuke. >Note how this section is similar to the one with Hiroshi, but not exactly the >same. The contrast is good characterization for both of them. (At least, it's >supposed to be...) Nevertheless, Daisuke cultivated an outlook on the world which he considered to be more realistic than that of his fellow announcer. He knew that if things seemed to be going okay, then by God something was going to go wrong soon. Especially with the *current* God. >Unless you forgot, it's Jack at this point. Thus, the sound of running footsteps produced almost a strange sense of relief in the young announcing icon. He turned around, and was somewhat surprised to see Hiroshi running toward him at top speed. "Hey there, Hiroshi," he greeted, moving to one side of the hall to give his fellow commentator a clear path. "HithereDaisukecan'ttalknowseeyouattheshow!" Hiroshi dopplered as he sped past. Daisuke watched him go, keeping himself pressed against the wall even >dopplered, referring to the Doppler effect, relating the change in frequency >in a wave source that moves relative to the observer...Uh...Okay, let me put >it this way. Have you ever stood near a street and heard cars whiz by you? >The sound they make changes whether they're approaching or going away. It's >kind of like "NyeeeeeeeOooowwwww". That's the Doppler effect. though he couldn't hear any other footsteps. Sure enough, after a moment, Lilith zoomed around a corner in hot pursuit. >Lilith is flying, so she doesn't have footsteps. "Hi Daisuke-kun!" she exclaimed, wingtips missing him by mere centimeters before she flew around another corner. >Note again that, given that most of these stories are set in Japanese-ish >worlds, I always try to use metric measurements. (Even though I'm really not >used to them. But then, I always have a problem estimating quantities...) Daisuke rolled his eyes. It figured. ===== In another part of the Ultradome, Controversial Jack was sighing. "Look...I don't really care what you guys think. You're lucky I'm letting you have a match at all, the way the crowd's been reacting to you." He glared at the two fighters. "Look at these sales figures! Team Hentai merchandise is sitting in the warehouses and ROTTING! Now I don't mind perversion," Jack started to stroke Mr. Duck in his best Bond villain imitation, "and you know, I actually like you guys personally...but you're DEAD! Heatless! Washed up! Jokes! Unfunny!..." He frowned, and gave Mr. Duck a squeak, then brightened. "Yes, you hit on it exactly, Mr. Duck...they're HAS-BEENS! And that, gentlemen," he leaned forward, eyes burning, "is the greatest sin of all, under MY regime!" >This whole section, and the Trick or Treat match, were my attempts at...well, >doing *something* with Team Hentai. I always try and leave the story better >than I found it. "It's not our fault," Ataru whined. "We haven't been getting the chance to have matches! You keep getting all these 'serious' fighters with all their soap-opera storylines to go at each other! We're just here to have fun!" >This was kind of a poke at the writing of Ultra, actually. A small one. "The boy's right, Jack-san," Happosai said, tapping the ashes from his pipe into a Johnny Cage paperweight placed there for just that purpose. "We can work the crowd too, if we have the chance." >Jack, of course, dislikes Johnny Cage. Jack raised an eyebrow. "And all you need is beautiful women involved in your match, you say?" "Exactly!" Team Hentai chorused. "But this team you have us against tonight," Happosai continued, "...this is a joke, right?" "Well, yes, actually it is," Jack admitted. "And it's on YOU!" He spun in his chair. "The way I see it, boys, this is your last chance. I'm just giving it to you because I'm feeling mellow. Chalk it up to my Halloween spirit." Ataru and Happosai blinked, and looked at each other. "What's... 'Halloween'?" Ataru asked. Jack stopped spinning, and stared at them. "...What? What do you mean, 'what's Halloween'?" Happosai scratched his head. "Some sort of ghost? A Halloween spirit?" "No..." Jack frowned, and pounded a frog on his desk. "Yes?" the frog said, in Kasumi's voice. >This 'interfrog' is one of my favorite little inventions, but I've never >heard anyone else comment on it. ^_^; It's a magic frog that Jack has on its >desk. If he pounds on it, it acts like an intercom... "Kasumi-chan, do you know what Halloween is?" Jack said. "Isn't it an American holiday, Jack-san?" the interfrog said. Jack blinked a couple of times. "You mean...you don't have Halloween over here?" "Hai, Jack-san, that's correct," the frog said. "Will there be anything else?" >Of course...I didn't *actually* know they didn't have Halloween in Japan...I >mean, I was *fairly* sure, but...hm... Jack sat, immobile, for several long moments. Then he shot to his feet. "I see it now," he intoned. "This is my mission. This is why I was brought here tonight! To introduce the joys of Halloween to your benighted country! Gentlepervs!" He rounded on Team Hentai. "Thank you for bringing this to my attention! I'll see what I can do for your match. I may not be able to promise Clan Aensland," Jack's eyes gleamed, "but I'll definitely work something out..." "Wai!" Happosai waied. "Thank you very much, Jack-san. Come on, student, let's go get in some pre-match training." >This led to a major criticism of my chapter; the fact that I had Happosai say >"Wai!". "Hai, sensei! Thanks, Jack-san!" The two left Jack's office, closing the door behind them, as Jack stared out the window, a wind springing up to ruffle his hair dramatically. "Oh, my," said the frog. >And I still love that line. ===== LIVE! FROM THE ULTRADOME! THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT AND IMPROFANFIC! IT'S TIME FOR... { M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R } { F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N } { .-----------. } { | U-L-T-R-A | } { `-----------' } { http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic } >Now, look closely. The logo says Magical Crossover Fighting Federation. >While I was writing this chapter, I noticed that very fact... Episode 27: Halloween Hardcore Written by John Evans (jevans@datablast.net) >Note that this is no longer my email address. My correct address is up at the >top of this Exposed version. >Oh, and ImproFanfic is now at http://www.improfanfic.com/ ===== "Are you ready for some...ULTRA-VIOLEEEEEENCE?!?!?" The fact that the resulting noise blew out several windows and started car alarms all over the parking garage seemed to imply that the crowd was, indeed, ready. "HELLO EVERYONE and WELCOME, to Magical Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting Federation ULTRAAAAAAAAA!!!" Hiroshi (could you guess?) yelled. "I thought they got rid of the 'Troubleshooting' bit," Daisuke said. Hiroshi turned and stared at his partner. "What are you talking about? It's always been there. We've always been MTCFF Ultra." "Yeah, but it's not in the title graphic," Daisuke said. "See, look." He pointed. >(continued from above) ...so I decided to comment on this fact. >You'll notice that the logo continued to be "wrong" until UltraRage Gamma. Hiroshi rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to speak, when the crowd yelled "WORK WITH HIM, DAISUKE!!!" >I enjoy catchphrases, and try and encourage them whenever possible. >Especially in this story. Daisuke slumped. "I'm just saying, is all," he muttered. Hiroshi fought back a sweatdrop. "Well, ladies, gentlemen and other less classifiable beings, we've got an incredible, UNBELIEVABLE show for you here tonight! As always!" "This show is apparently entitled 'Halloween Hardcore'," Daisuke monotoned. "'Halloween' is some Western holiday that Jack is particularly enamored of, and it involves dressing up in silly costumes. Which explains what you're seeing on your screen right now." Daisuke was probably referring to the fact that he was in a full-body tanuki costume, looking like he was going to appear in a Crash Bandicoot commercial, and Hiroshi was wearing a frilly white tutu and leotard, complete with sparkly wings and wand with a glitter-covered cardboard star on the end. >Other people have seen those Crash Bandicoot commercials, right? Twoflower >suggested these costumes, by the way. Also notice I didn't actually describe >the duo until now. "Personally, I think it adds a sort of festive mood to the show," Hiroshi said, waving his sparkly wand. Daisuke put his head in his hands. "Oh, God..." "Yes?" Jack said. Both announcers jumped as they suddenly noticed Controversial Jack himself sitting at the table with them. Jack stood up and waved to the crowd, then >The point is that Jack just appeared out of midair. *poof* ascended to the ring, as a huge mixed pop greeted him. The camera focused briefly on a "MR. DUCK IS THE REAL GOD" sign, and the fan holding it started to jump up and down as she saw herself on the ControversialTron. >Much as I would like to claim credit, I just threw that sign in as a joke. >*I* thought the godhead was in the Hardcore Belt...I think that's what I >thought...it's been a while... "Welcome...to HALLOWEEN HARDCORE!" Jack boomed. The crowd cheered, mostly because it was fun. "I've got one HELL of a show here for you tonight!" he continued, throwing his best ControversialGrin(tm) around at the assembled masses. "We're going to have tons of title defenses, grudge matches, random matches, an Omega Tag Team Match, a Trick or Treat Match AND, the main event, the HALLOWEEN HARDCORE BRAWL!" The crowd roared, getting into the spirit of things. "But most important--and my favorite part of the whole show--we're going to see some jobbers get SMACKED AROUND! So without further ado...Cage, GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!" Jack lowered his mike and grinned at the entrance ramp, looking like Al Snow. With spiky hair. And nothing written on his forehead. But the grin was the same. Really. >Al Snow's gimmick is usually that he's insane. He often has this evil grin on >his face. And "HELP ME" written backwards on his forehead. (He's a WWF >wrestler.) Some nifty remixed techno music started up, and after a moment, Johnny Cage appeared at the top of the ramp. A spate of weak boos from the crowd prompted him to glare at the fans. After a moment, Sofia appeared to walk down behind Cage, prompting a round of cheers and whistles from the male half of the audience. "It seems like Jack has booked a Gamma match featuring Johnny Cage," Hiroshi said, "and Cage is coming down to the ring flanked by Sofia!" "And it looks like tonight's Ultra is starting off slowly," Daisuke concluded. >Now, the point of this thing is that Jack is indulging himself. He wants to >see Johnny Cage get smacked around. The crowd is kind of bewildered about it, >though, which is why the "weak boos" and Daisuke saying Ultra is starting off >slowly. Cage got to the edge of the ring and walked up the steps, never taking his eyes off of Jack. Jack raised his microphone again. "Now, I'm feeling generous tonight, Mr. 'Hollywood'. So I'm giving you a chance to actually show what you can do against a real martial arts master! Everyone give it up for the one, the only, the man with the dyed eyebrows, KEN!" >This is a takeoff of a joke from the beginning of Ultra #24. "No, I'm not >sure whether Ken bleaches his hair or dyes his eyebrows black." A fairly good cheer went up as familiar game music heralded the arrival of one of the original Shotokan fighters. Ken strode down the ramp, throwing a few waves to the crowd. He got to the ring and climbed between the ropes, shaking his head and smiling at Jack. Cage glared at him from the other side of the ring, as Sofia lurked behind him on the outside. "All right!" Jack yelled. "Let's see some squash action! FIGHT!" And suddenly he was gone, leaving the fighters alone in the ring. ===== GAMMA MATCH #1: KEN vs. JOHNNY CAGE Ken tossed his hair and got into a Shotokan stance, bouncing lightly on his feet. "Ikuze!" Cage zoomed forward with a picture-perfect shadow kick, which Ken simply blocked. As he recovered, Ken slipped past his guard and punched him in the chest, sending the movie star stumbling backward. Cage then leaped fowrard in a jump kick, but with a cry of "SHORYUKEN!" Ken smacked him back across the ring. "WOW!" Hiroshi wowed. "Did you see THAT?" "Yes," Daisuke said. "We haven't seen much of Ken recently, but it looks like he hasn't lost his edge." >This was another thing; Ken hadn't been used very much recently, so... The two fighters traded a couple of punches, which were mostly countered. Cage attempted a roundhouse kick, which Ken countered with a duck and leg sweep, then jumped back to give Cage time to get back to his feet. Cage stood up slowly, his eyes burning. "Whoa, Cage looks mad!" Hiroshi said. "Not like it'll do him any good," Daisuke added. The fighters sized each other up for a moment. Then Cage tossed a low fireball. Ken launched himself into a drop kick, but Johnny was already rolling to the side. Ken landed and pounced after his opponent--and then fell on his face. A gasp went up from the crowd. "Ken is DOWN!" Hiroshi yelled. "Did he just fall wrong?" Cage wasted no time in aiming a kick at Ken's head. The Shotokan fighter rolled away, but it clipped his shoulder. As he got to his feet a black strap could be seen snaking away from his ankle... "Sofia's whip!" Daisuke said. "She assists her onetime partner in a blatant cheating maneuver!" >The interplay between announcing and action description is very important in >an Ultra chapter. You need to know what's happening, but describing every >little detail is tiresome (for author AND reader). If you're interested in >the process of writing, it's helpful to read various Ultra chapters and watch >how this balance plays out...when it works, and when it doesn't. Cage lunged again, but Ken threw a quick Hadoken to ward him off. Hearing Sofia's distinctive "OOOOHOHOHO!" (well, distinctive in that neither Karin nor Naga was at ringside), Ken glanced over and launched into a baseball slide aimed at her. Sofia danced to the side, laughing, and then ran off around the ring. As a chorus of boos swept the arena, Ken glared after her, and hoisted himself onto the apron--only to be caught by a sudden crotch shot from Cage, who was still on the inside. >And this is actually part of his in-game moveset! The arena roared. "That's *definitely* gotta hurt," Hiroshi said, wincing. Daisuke nodded. Cage backed up, smiled darkly at the doubled-over Shotokan fighter...then FLEW forward in a sliding shadow kick. "MY GOD!" Hiroshi yelled as Ken was propelled off the apron and into the guardrail, where eager fans began pulling at him and waving at the camera. >This is SO exactly WWF. "Ken was just SMASHED into the guardrail! He can't have much left!" Whatever he did have left was quickly disposed of as Cage and Sofia ran over to the prone fighter and proverbially kicked him while he's down. "Cage and Sofia showed some great, if technically illegal, teamwork there," Daisuke noted. Hiroshi stared at his partner. "Is that all you can say? Ken is being MUGGED out there!" Daisuke shrugged. "Eh, you get used to it." Cage and Sofia jumped back into the ring, leaving the beaten Ken outside. Cage raised his arms and was soundly booed by the audience. Grinning, he caught a mike someone threw him, and said, "That's what you get! We're not going to be 'jobbers', Jack! We're going to make our own way in this show!" Sofia punctuated the statement with a crack of her whip and patented ojosama laugh. "So all you morons out there who think you're such hot stuff," Cage continued, "I got just one thing to say...What you gonna do, when the CAGE comes down on YOU?" He raised his arms again, prompting another heel pop, and walked back to the ramp, followed by Sofia. >There's a catchphrase again, which was introduced in #8. That chapter was >written jointly by Sean Gaffney and Twoflower...I suspect Twoflower was the >one responsible for the catchphrase. >I just can't leave something like that unused...(Quick question: Does the >name "Garvoids" ring a bell?) "Incredible!" Hiroshi superlatived. "I think we can safely say that Cage was disqualified--" "Why?" Daisuke said. "There's no ref to disqualify him." Hiroshi stared at his partner. "You aren't saying--" "I think by Jack's rules, Cage won this one," Daisuke said, with a slight hint of a grin. Hiroshi almost sweatdropped. "Uh...maybe. ...Well, nevertheless, Ken has been badly beaten, and we probably need--WAIT A MINUTE! What's going on?" A flare of purple energy appeared next to the unconscious form of Ken. The fans near the guardrail drew back as it grew in size and intensity, and with an eye-twisting flash it vanished, leaving behind a pair of young fighters. "The PSYCHO SOLDIERS!" Hiroshi yelled, as a huge wave of boos and screams of outrage swept the Dome. "What are THEY doing here?!?" "They're obviously taking Ken off to a fate too horrible to contemplate," Daisuke said, as Sie hoisted Ken into a fireman's carry, Athena looking on fearfully. "No! They can't do this! Can anyone--WAIT! It's RYU! And Gambit!" Ryu and Gambit were indeed running down the entrance ramp. Sie and Athena looked at them, then were consumed in purple fire and vanished just as the ORO pair got to ringside...taking Ken with them. "I don't believe it! Ken has been kidnapped by the Psycho Soldiers!" Hiroshi raved. Ryu and Gambit stood at ringside looking around, and at each other, as murmurs rippled through the crowd. Suddenly the ControversialTron came to life with the NERV-Shadolaw logo. Screaming heavy metal and Evangelion howls rolled from the speakers, as M. Bison appeared on the screen. He smiled. "Ah, Ryu," the dictator said, "I was hoping you'd show up. I presume you saw what just happened with your... friend." Ryu took a step toward the screen, eyes blazing. Gambit looked at him and took a step back. "You won't get away with this, Bison," the martial artist said. "Oh, but I have," Bison said. "And I did once before. You *do* remember that, don't you, Ryu?" Ryu's expression got even darker, and Bison smiled some more. "Well, just think about that for a while. I may decide to let him go..." He paused for a moment. "...if, perhaps, *you* were to come and take his place." "Unbelievable!" Hiroshi gasped, as the audience did as well. "Bison is trying to get to Ryu!" "Bison..." Ryu's fists clenched. "Take your time," Bison said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a match to prepare for." His image was replaced by the logo again, and then the screen went blank. >Okay, yes, it's a blatant Street Fighter Movie ripoff. But, well, this angle >worked in a lot of ways...at least, to my mind it did. Involved Ryu, Gambit, >ORO, Shadowlaw, etc., etc.... "What a turn of events!" Hiroshi yammered, as Ryu and Gambit walked slowly back up the ramp. "Can you imagine what Ryu must be feeling right now? And what was this match Bison was referring to?" "This is bad," Daisuke said. "As if he didn't have enough to worry about with Sakura, the Orochi, Lina...This puts a lot of pressure on Ryu." >Lina, remember, is not among the living at this point. More on this later. "It's almost too much to handle!" Hiroshi mopped his forehead with a cloth. "I think we need to take a break. We'll be right back with more ULTRA action!" ===== Ranma frowned at the commercial on the monitor, and pressed the power button on the remote. He sighed and got up from his chair, then fell into a stance and threw a few punches at the air. >Ranma's been messed with a lot in this story, hasn't he? I tried to create a >bit of consistency, but...I don't quite know how successful I was. There was a knock at the door. "What?" Ranma called. "It's me," Nabiki's voice said. Ranma's face tightened. "Come in," he said after a moment. Nabiki opened the door, entered the dressing room, and shut the door behind her. Then she looked at Ranma intently. "Something's bothering you, Saotome," she said. Ranma rolled his eyes. "Yeah, well what else is new?" "Ranma, I know you better than you know yourself." Ranma blinked and looked at Nabiki, who still had that intense gaze. "It's something other than your usual messed-up psychology. Now spill it." Ranma stood still for a moment, then looked down. "...It's the moko takabisha," he said. Nabiki crossed her arms. "Your fireball thing?" Ranma sighed again. "Yeah." "What about it? You finished your last match with it, right?" "Yeah. But it...wasn't as strong." "I see," Nabiki murmured. "And now...well..." Ranma clenched his fists, concentrated for a moment, and then threw out his arms with a yell of "MOKO TAKABISHA!" The resulting ball of energy was not much larger than a basketball. Nabiki rubbed her chin. "This isn't good, Saotome." "You think I don't know that?" Ranma snapped. Nabiki put her head down, walked over to the mirror, then turned and looked up at him again. "You created that move to defeat Ryoga's fireball thing, right?" Ranma nodded. "The shishi hokodan, yeah." "And his was...the power of depression, or something, right?" Another nod. "And yours was from all your confidence." Ranma's forehead wrinkled. "Yeah..." "Well, that explains it," Nabiki said. "You're not confident anymore. You've had to deal with all those defeats and frustrations and it's just made you angry, but more than that, it's made you doubt yourself." >Everyone got that? >I have to admit, I tend to mark out for psychological things like this. ^_^; Ranma stared. "...you think so?" "Yes. Now shape up, you have a big match to get ready for." She walked to the door again. "...Hey!" Ranma grabbed Nabiki by the arm. "'Shape up'? Is that all you have to say?" Nabiki turned, and smirked. "Come on, Ranma. Do I have to spell out *everything* for you?" Ranma blinked, then let go of her arm, then walked away. Nabiki watched him pace for a moment, and then he turned back. "Will you do me a favor?" Nabiki's eyes gleamed. "That depends." Ranma rolled his eyes. "Trust me, I know better than to ask you for anything big." And then...he smiled, slightly. "Just a small thing..." >He asks her to get the audio crew to change his entrance music. ===== "And we're back!" Hiroshi enthused, obviously back to his normal chipper self. "The action just never stops," Daisuke said calmly, "as we bring you a... oh, come on, I'm not reading that." "Fine, I will!" Hiroshi squinted at the teleprompter. "A ferocious Lambda grudge rematch of EPIC proportions!" Daisuke rolled his eyes. Rocking metal strains filled the air as scenes of excessive violence flashed on the ControversialTron. "Entering first," Daisuke read from the prompter, "the Hungry Wolves, Mai Shiranui and Andy Bogard!" Mai appeared first, waving cheerily and posing for the fans, and after a moment Andy's burly form joined her, prompting squeals from some of the female portion of the audience. >I keep trying to describe entrance videos and music. I hope it does okay... "Full of energy as always, these two," Hiroshi said. "And listen to the crowd!" "I don't know, I think there seems to be a bit of conflict in the relationship," Daisuke noted. Mai and Andy did seem kind of...separate, walking down the ramp. They climbed into the ring and looked at each other for the first time. After a few moments and a couple of gestures, Mai climbed out and stood on the apron, looking somewhat reluctant. Traditional Japanese samisen music wafted out from the speakers as images of a samurai and his student appeared on the big screen. "And their opponents," Hiroshi hyped, "winners of last week's match between these two teams--" >I love the idea of this entrace video. The music is kinda like Kaientai's is >at the beginning. Or something. "--mainly by outside interference--" Daisuke put in. Hiroshi shot his partner a Look. "--Haohmaru and Kuno, the Samurai Swordsmen!" Haohmaru and Kuno appeared at the top of the ramp side by side. They raised their swords and yelled "ENLIGHTENMENT!!!" as one, then strode down to the ring to mixed boos and cheers. >Haohmaru and Kuno have an interesting gimmick at this point, I think... >They're sort of, well, not dishonorable as such, but as samurai they use any >advantage they can to win. Apparently Haohmaru was based on Miyamoto Musashi, >so it kinda fits. It also makes them heels. "And introducing--huh?" Hiroshi boggled. "Daisuke, can you take a look at this?" Daisuke groaned. "Oh, no...uh...ahem. Introducing as special guest referee...Hikaru Gosunkugi!" A scrawny-looking teenager in a black-and-white-striped shirt entered the arena and began walking to the ring, as the crowd murmured in confusion. >Gosunkugi is a minor Ranma 1/2 character. He's introverted and doesn't do >much except have a crush on Akane and some other random stuff. He's also >sometimes portrayed as the Kuno family's lackey, but I can't quite remember >if that's anime-only, or...well, whatever... "Yeah, I'm sure this will be fair," Daisuke said. "...Well, it looks like Kuno will be starting this match out for the Swordsmen," Hiroshi said. Gosunkugi climbed into the ring, looked at the two fighters, and gave a weak wave to the side. The bell rang. ===== LAMBDA MATCH #1: MAI and ANDY vs. HAOHMARU and KUNO Kuno immediately lunged forward with a classic thrust. Andy leapt to the side, narrowly avoiding the attack, and then dodged a couple more, finally slipping in a kick that threw Kuno back several feet. >I have the first Ranma 1/2 Super Famicom game, you see, so...I tend to draw >on it for inspiration with Kuno...(He's pretty strong in that game.) "FOOLISH BOY!" Haohmaru yelled in his partner's ear, making Kuno stagger even more. "YOUR OPPONENT WAS ABLE TO PREDICT YOUR STRIKES! VARY YOUR ATTACKS!" "HAI, SENSEI!" Kuno yelled back, getting shakily to his feet. "Good advice," Andy said, bouncing lightly on his feet. "Want to try it again, kid?" "Well, it looks like Haohmaru hasn't lost his 'legendary' volume," Hiroshi said. Kuno took a moment to set himself, then pointed his bokken at his opponent. "THOUGH YOU MAY HAVE SCORED A MINOR VICTORY, YOU ARE STILL NO MATCH FOR MY POWER, WHICH, THOUGH NOT AS LEGENDARY AS THE POWER OF MY LEGENDARY SENSEI, IS STILL SOMEWHAT LEGENDARY!" >I don't quite know where this LEGENDARY VOLUME thing came from. I have a >feeling it's from the Ultimate Video Rumble... "GOOD WORK, MY STUDENT!" Haohmaru boomed. "NOW FINISH HIM!" "My god, it's spreading," Daisuke said. Andy fought back a sweatdrop, then dodged another thrust and managed to block a sidearm slash. Kuno pressed his advantage, forcing Andy back across the ring. "Come on, Andy!" Mai yelled. "He's just a kid!" Andy gathered himself and lunged forward with some traditional Fatal, Furious offense. Kuno fell back, and then did another sideways roll. "ENLIGHTENMENT!!!" >Haohmaru is leaning over the ropes and yelling in Andy's ear. Andy staggered back, clutching his ears, and Kuno smacked him on the head, sending him to his knees. "Hey! Ref!" Mai grabbed Gosunkugi by the hair and glared at him. "That was cheating!" "I, uh, didn't see anything," Gosunkugi said nervously, staring at a point a bit lower than Mai's face. Mai fumed and tossed him over the ropes by his hair. >i.e. at her generous cleavage. "And there goes the referee!" Hiroshi yelled unnecessarily. "Well, the only reason to have a referee is so they can not see things," Daisuke put in. >This is quite true for any professional wrestling exhibition. "Come on, Andy! Tag in!" Mai bounced on the apron, which the camera made sure to get a shot of. >Do I have to go through the "Me bouncy" thing again?... Kuno exchanged a tag with Haohmaru, bowing to his teacher before climbinb between the ropes. Haohmaru held his sword up in a kind of salute...then FLEW forward almost faster than the eye could see. >See, the heels are tagging in, but Andy is being isolated. "MY GOD!" Hiroshi yelled. (And somewhere Jack yelled "I'm busy, already!") "Haohmaru is taking Andy to SCHOOL!" Daisuke peered strangely at his partner. "In other words, Haohmaru is pressing the advantage gained by the him and Kuno earlier in the match." Andy tumbled to the floor near Mai's corner. "Damn it!" Mai exclaimed, and smacked Andy on the shoulder. "I'm coming in!" She vaulted into the ring. "Blind tag by Mai, who comes in to face Haohmaru," Daisuke commentated. Haohmaru drew back and sized up his opponent. >A blind tag is when the out-of-the-ring partner just sort of slaps the other >partner as they go by...Not a "formal" tag but an "official" one...if that >makes any sense... "AH, A WARRIOR FROM A CLAN OF NINJA! THE NINJA HAVE A LONG AND STORIED HISTORY AND ARE, IN THEIR WAY, LEGENDARY, THOUGH NOT QUITE AS LEGENDARY AS THE LEGENDARY HAOHMARU! TRULY, YOU ARE A WORTHY OPPONENT!" He set himself in a stance. "Well, at least SOMEONE thinks so!" Mai posed and winked for the cameras, then settled into a stance of her own. And the two fighters exploded. "INCREDIBLE!" Hiroshi frothed at near-legendary volume, as the crowd roared. "What a display of skill by samurai and ninja!" The action seemed too fast to call as Haohmaru led first with a series of slashes, producing ringing sounds as they were blocked by Mai's fans, and then Mai flipped back leaving a trail of fire that slightly singed the sword-swinging samurai, which she followed with a jumping fire attack that was dodged and Haohmaru almost took her head off with a swing, but only a few hairs were detached as he went down from a leg sweep. >See, I went heavy on the action to try and make it seem exciting... "Whoa," Daisuke said, almost sounding excited. The two traditional Japanese warriors battled back and forth across the ring, each scoring occasional hits but neither gaining true advantage-- --until Kuno caught Mai on the leg with a thrust from the apron, making her stumble into a huge whirlwind. "SENPURETSUZAN!" Mai whirled high over the ring...and then fell with a nasty-sounding thump. >Amazing what you can fake with a few move names from the FAQ... "MAI!" Andy charged into the middle of the ring, madly swinging at Haohmaru, and Kuno leaped into the fray as well. >Hell Breaks Loose! >(Sorry, wrestling commentary in-joke...) "A huge brawl erupts in the ring!" Hiroshi yelled. "And...wait a minute, Gosunkugi is up, and..." The bell rang, signalling the end of the match. None of the combatants seemed to take any notice. After a moment, someone handed Gosunkugi a mike, and the sound of him clearing his throat echoed through the arena. "Because of, um, illegal outside interference," he began, "...The, uh, Mai and Andy are disqualified! Haohmaru and Kuno are the winners!" >A total screwjob, in other words... Then he ran up the ramp as the audience booed and pelted him with sodas. "..." Hiroshi said. "I guess we all saw that one coming," Daisuke said. "It looks like the samurai are getting the better of things in the post-match brawl..." Mai had crawled out of the ring, and Andy was lying in the middle. The samurai team raised their swords and yelled at the crowd, who responded with a large amount of heel heat. Then they climbed out of the ring together and stalked up the ring, still working the crowd. ".......and an amazing upset by the Samurai Swordsmen!" Hiroshi exclaimed. Daisuke peered at him again. "I really admire your brain's gear-shifting ability, Hiroshi," he said. "Thanks! And now--" o/~ Are you ready? o/~ Murmurs ran through the crowd, and Hiroshi's eyes bugged out. "Hm, that's interesting," Daisuke said. o/~ You think you can tell us what to do... o/~ "...It's DX'S MUSIC!" Hiroshi yelled. "What can this mean? Could there possibly be someone from DX here tonight?!?" >Degeneration X, a WWF stable which is probably gone for good at this point... "Yeah, right," Daisuke said as the Degeneration X theme continued to roll out from the Ultra-speakers. "They would have been hyping something like that for weeks." >Ultra vs. WWF or something... o/~ Well you better get ready... o/~ "Well, I don't know what, but SOMETHING'S going to happen soon!" Hiroshi said. o/~ To bow to the master...BREAK IT DOWN! o/~ There was an explosion of fireworks from the entrance ramp, and the crowd got to their feet as Ranma Saotome appeared and began to walk towards the ring. He held a metal folding chair which he waved at the crowd, glaring and yelling at them. They ate it up. "RANMA'S coming out to Degeneration X's music!" Hiroshi reviewed enthusiastically. "Awesome!" "And strangely appropriate," Daisuke said. >I thought so. And that's why I used it. Ranma has Attitude, you see. o/~ I just got tired of doing what you told me to do! But that's the breaks boy, yeaaaaah...that's the breaks little man! o/~ Ranma reached the ring and raised a microphone to his face. "Cut the music!" he yelled, and it was cut. He stared out over the throngs of fans, eyes blazing. "Marlo! I know you're back there!" he called. "Come on out! I'm not through beating the crap out of you!" "Oh my!" Hiroshi said, momentarily channeling Michael Cole. "Ranma is calling out Marlo, the Furniture Savior! Will he respond?" >Michael Cole is a WWF announcer who says "Oh my!" a lot...usually whenever he >doesn't know the name of a particular move...which happens often... The ControversialTron obligingly turned to the Y2M countdown. Ranma smirked as the five seconds elapsed, and then the arena was plunged into darkness. Suddenly a huge pyrotechnic explosion lit the arena and Marlo's Kid Rock music blared. "Hey there, Ranma-chan!" Marlo called from the top of the ramp, as the crowd booed him. "You cut off the music before my favorite verse!" He struck a limp-wristed pose and sang, "So tell me what it's like to be half a man!" >This was the line in the song that sorta gave me the idea in the first place. Hiroshi's eyes bugged again. After a moment, Daisuke found his voice. "...Quite a taunt by Marlo there..." He looked over at Ranma, who seemed to have his head bowed. After a moment...Ranma looked up, and *grinned*. "Well I know one thing, Marlo! I'm more man than you'll ever be..." He looked left at right at the audience, "...and more WOMAN than you'll ever GET!!!" >I have no idea where I heard that taunt, but it's particularly appropriate >here, I think. Hiroshi's jaw dropped. Daisuke momentarily forgot he was a straight man, and cracked up. >See, Daisuke's human too. The crowd, predictably, went wild. Marlo also went wild, in a different manner. Snarling, he threw his mike to the side (producing a nasty squeal of feedback), and started to pound down the ramp. "...And it looks like Marlo's accepted Ranma's challenge," Daisuke gasped, wiping his eyes. Ranma threw his mike to the side as well, and held his chair at the ready. Right at the bottom of the ramp Marlo pulled a gymnastic springboard out of the air and threw it down, then bounced off it to FLY over the ropes. Ranma aimed a kick at the ballistic warrior, but his foot met only a chair identical to the one he held. >Infinite furniture has *so* many possibilities... And then the battle commenced. ===== GAMMA MATCH #2: RANMA vs. MARLO "...I don't believe it! A chair duel between Ranma and Marlo!" Hiroshi exclaimed. Ear-stabbing metallic clangs echoed through the arena, as the chairs swung every which way, back, up, down and forward, in some cases sending off sparks. The two combatants jumped away to size each other up. Marlo looked almost ready to explode. "A CHAIR!" he yelled. "You DARE to face me with a CHAIR?!? That's insulting!" "Really? I'll just have to do it more often," Ranma grinned. >Ranma is in fact taunting Marlo by beating him with a chair. ...Just in case >it wasn't obvious. ^_^; "You!..." Marlo blinked, then suddenly grinned. "That's not a chair, mate," he said in a bad Australian accent, "...THIS is a chair!" He flipped the cheap audience seat away, then pulled out...and antique padded easy chair. "COME ON!" They leapt forward again. Marlo's chair was slower, but Ranma kept well away from it as it whizzed through the air, limiting his opportunities for counterattacks. "An interesting thing about this match," Daisuke said calmly, "is that Ranma is using his feet and hands as well as his chair to block attacks, as well as simply dodging. Marlo is relying much more heavily on his weapon." >And an interesting thing about this writing is how I often rely on the >announcers to show the action... Marlo yelled something unintelligible and slammed his chair down, but Ranma managed to roll backward and then spring forward an instant later, slamming his metal chair into Marlo's forehead. Marlo stumbled back, and Ranma lunged to attack again--only to be blocked by a loveseat. "Marlo's pulling out even heavier artillery!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "Come on! I AM Furniture!" Marlo screamed. Ranma stumbled back and almost sweatdropped as Marlo swung his weapon like a madman (which was something of a strange coincidence). Casting a quick glance around the ring, Ranma moved back and--tripped, falling near the ropes. "And Ranma is DOWN!" Hiroshi yelled. "This could be it!" Marlo grinned maniacally, and swung his chair down-- --hitting it against the ropes, which bounced it back upwards. "...INCREDIBLE!" Hiroshi ranted, startling Daisuke. Ranma kippuped and hurtled forward as Marlo staggered, his chair impacting with his opponent's abdomen. "The fall was just a ploy by Ranma, and it paid off!" Daisuke said, almost sounding excited. Marlo stumbled back as the loveseat went flying, narrowly dodging Ranma's chair shots, except for the last one which tagged him on the face. Ranma stood back, raised his arms, and yelled at the crowd, who yelled back. Marlo got shakily to his feet, put his hand to his mouth, and looked at it. "Marlo's busted open!" Hiroshi yelled. "...I've always wanted to say that!" >Meaning that he's bleeding. Jim Ross, a WWF announcer, has a habit of saying >that whenever someone bleeds in a match. "Austin's busted open! Austin's >busted open!" >Of course, blood in wrestling is a whole other topic... "Dammit!" Marlo spat blood to the side. "All right...THAT'S IT!" He got up... And pulled an entire sofa out of the air. The arena was silent for a moment. This time, Ranma DID sweatdrop. "...Uh..." "You...will see..." Marlo took a step forward...then another... ...but no one ever got to find out what he'd see, as Marlo collapsed. >This is a little joke form I've used on occasion..."but no one ever got to >find out" or something along those lines...I think I use it a few times in >this chapter particularly. "YEEEEAAAAHH!!!" Ranma screamed at the heavens, and the audience roared. "INCREDIBLE!" Hiroshi screamed yet again. "It looks like Ranma's--WAIT A MINUTE! What--" A black and white blur zoomed down from somewhere in the rafters, knocking Ranma sprawling. It stopped over the ring and resolved into-- "Morrigan! Morrigan just punked Ranma!" Hiroshi expostulated. "Yes, S&V is still on Marlo's side," Daisuke added. Ranma got up and snarled, then HURLED his chair the flying succubus. When she dodged, he clenched his fists, thrust them out, and-- "MOKO TAKABISHA!" The sphere of orange ki blasted into Morrigan, sending her wavering away toward the first few rows, where all the male audience members stood up and waved their arms to catch her. The rest of the audience went nuts. "Yes! I'm BACK!" Ranma yelled...right before being hit in the back of the head with an armoire. >He's got his confidence back, etc.. "YeeeHAW!" Marlo crowed, and the audience quickly switched to boos. Marlo waved a chair at the fans as Morrigan flew back to the ring and alighted next to him. He grinned at the near-unconscious Ranma, and took a microphone from a tech flunky. "Well...I guess you were WRONG, Ranma!" he shouted. Taking Morrigan's arm, he threw the mike at his prone opponent, then left the ring, basking in the heel heat. >Wrong, meaning that "more woman than you'll ever get" was wrong, given that >Morrigan is snuggling up to him. "...WOW!" Hiroshi said. "...What an incredible match!...I guess Marlo is the winner...but I don't think we've heard the last of this rivalry!" "When do we hear the last of ANY rivalry?" Daisuke asked rhetorically. >When indeed? "But yes, that was quite an exciting match. So exciting, in fact...that we need another break. So watch these subliminal messages, and we'll be right back." >Subliminal messages meaning commercials... ===== Jack sighed and shook his head, as he walked along the corridor. "SQUEAK!" "I agree, Mr. Duck, that could have gone better," he said. "That Ranma is just so annoying, somehow." He rubbed his chin. "SQUEAK!" "Really? A goatee?...no, too cliche. Even with Paul Wight shaving, there are still too many wrestlers with them. Anyway, at least Marlo is winning, >At the time I wrote this, Paul Wight (the Big Show) had just shaved off his >goatee... and the cause of Controversy is being advanced!...Something's still missing, though." He opened the door to S&V's private room, startling Jesse and James. "...Boss! Er, hi!" James said, quickly getting to his feet as Jesse tried to unobtrusively straighten out her shirt. "We, uh, we--" >Okay, the point is that they're fooling around. Making out. Whatever term you >want to use. I *like* the idea of Jesse and James as a couple, okay? "Shut up," Jack said, frowning. "I'm not in the best of moods. You're supposed to be Sex AND Violence, so why don't you go out there and earn your keep?" >...Sex AND Violence, instead of just Sex. Jesse stood up as well. "...You mean...now, Jack?" "Yes! NOW!" He pointed. "Get out there and challenge someone!" "SQUEAK!" Mr. Duck agreed (or maybe not, only Jack knew for sure). "...Yes, sir! Right away, sir!" Team Rocket scrambled out the door. "Hm. Maybe that will help." Jack sat down in his chair, and considered. "...Nah. They'll probably job again. What do you think, Mr. Duck?" "SQUEAK!" Jack blinked. "Hmmm...now, that *is* an interesting idea..." >What was this idea? >Actually, even I don't know. ===== "And we're back," Daisuke confirmed, trying to scratch his head through his costumek. "So, what's up next on the card, my good friend and fellow announcer?" Hiroshi fluttered his wings. "Well, let's see. Now, we--" "Prepare for trouble!" "And make it double!" Music sting. Daisuke rolled his eyes. Team Rocket posed at the top of the top of the entrance ramp, spotlights focused on them. "To--" "--PROTECT THE WORLD FROM DEVESTATION!" the women in the crowd yelled. "TO UNITE ALL PEOPLES WITHIN OUR NATION!" A deep masculine chant from that half of the audience. >I personally love this sequence. James, Jesse, Hiroshi and Daisuke shared a sweatdrop. "TO DENOUNCE THE EVILS OF TRUTH AND LOVE! TO EXTEND OUR REACH TO THE STARS ABOVE!" "Eh-HEM!" Jesse yelled. The audience cheered. "Team ROCKET," she said loudly, glaring, "BLAST OFF at the SPEED of LIGHT!" James stared at the audience. Jesse blinked, and looked at him. His eyes were sparkly. "Jesse...Jesse, they really like us!" he exclaimed. Jesse smacked him in the back of the head. "The heck with this! James, just get down here to the ring!" She started to walk down the ramp. "...SURRENDER NOW OR PREPARE TO FIGHT!" Hiroshi yelled gleefully. "Meeeeeowth, that's right!" Meowth said, popping up from under the ring. And there was much rejoicing. (yaaay.) Jesse fell face-first to the floor, then pushed herself up to her elbows. "YOU'RE next after this match!" she yelled. Hiroshi rubbed the back of his head and laughed nervously. "...Well, it seems the crowd likes to chant along with people," Daisuke said. "As should be no surprise to anyone who watches the World Wrestling Federation. In any event, Team Rocket is now making their way to the ring." >That's a total truism. ^_^; Jesse stood in the ring motioning for a mike, while James stood on the apron with Meowth, and the crowd started to boo as they remembered the Pokemon fighters were heels. >Kinda like the New Age Outlaws. At one point they were supposed to be heels, >but the crowd would chant along with stuff they said. Odd. "For some reason, it seems like Team Rocket hasn't been getting much respect around here!" Jesse yelled. The crowd laughed and jeered. "So tonight, we're going to do what we do best! Come on out here, you little Pokemon punks! Yeah, you know who you are!" "It sounds like Team Rocket is challenging Ash and Misty," Daisuke said. As familiar theme music struck up on the speakers, the crowd cheered. "And it looks like the challenge has been answered!" Ash and Misty walked out from the back to a large pop. Misty smiled and waved at the cameras, while Ash seemed to be looking around uncertainly. Misty nudged him. "Come on, Ash! This is supposed to be fun!" she said. Ash sighed. "I know, Misty. But..." "Come *on*. Stop worrying about Pikachu. We have to beat Team Rocket here." They made their way to the ring, and Misty climbed in first. "Well well well," Jesse said, smirking, "Hello again, little *girl*." Misty frowned, then suddenly grinned. "Hi again, obasan!" The crowd roared. >"Obasan" literally means "aunt". This is a rather well-worn anime joke, >actually. Misty is implying that Jesse is getting on in years. "Uhoh," Daisuke said. A vein popped out in Jesse's forehead. "Uh...Jess..." James said. "WHAT did you call ME?!?" She wound up, and threw. "Arbok, GO!" "And the match is on!" Hiroshi said. ===== LAMBDA MATCH #2: TEAM ROCKET vs. ASH and MISTY >Okay...I got a lot of deserved criticism for this fight. It really wasn't all >that exciting. For some reason I wasn't really inspired. See, in this chapter >I tried to throw together all the fights I could, use as much of the roster >as I could...and some things got a bit...shortchanged. >The whole fight revolved around Mukumuku being used as a Pokemon, since I had >just gotten Suikoden 2 recently when I wrote this. I know that idea at least >gave someone a chuckle, so...at least it wasn't a total loss... "Starmie, go!" Misty threw a ball of her own, and a huge crystalline starfish appeared in front of the giant purple snake. "Arbok! Glare attack!" The Arbok drew itself up to its full height, spread its huge cobra hood, and HISSED menacingly. The starfish, however, seemed unimpressed. "Starmie! Water gun attack!" Water spurted from one of the Starmie's arms, splashing against the snake. "...It seems Starmie was unaffected by the...big snake's menacing look!" Hiroshi tried to enthuse. "You don't have much experience calling Pokemon matches, do you, Hiroshi?" Daisuke asked. "Well, neither do you, Daisuke," Hiroshi said irritably. "True, but I know better than to try anyway." >But that was a good joke, wasn't it? ^_^; "Hah! You think that will defeat me?" Jesse scoffed. "Arbok! Bite attack!" The snake looked at her and hissed nervously, tongue flickering. Jesse glared at it. "Arbok! I said BITE ATTACK!" The Arbok cowered and nodded, and launched itself at its opponent. "Now *that's* a glare attack," Hiroshi said, shortly before Jesse turned her glare on him. "...I don't believe it!" Daisuke said. "It worked!" Sure enough, Arbok had one of Starmie's arms in its mouth, and was shaking it back and forth. "...Ack!" Misty acked. "Starmie! Return!" She held out a Pokeball and drew the starfish back, then turned to her partner. "Ash! Get out there!" Ash blinked, and shook his head. "Huh?" "Get out there and FIGHT that thing!" Misty yelled, hauling Ash bodily into the ring and climbing out. Ash looked up into the menacing face of Arbok. He sweatdropped. "...Uh...Bulbasaur, go!" Ash threw a ball, and the dimunitive plant-lizard popped out, looking determined. Then it looked up at the Arbok, and also sweatdropped. "Arbok! Poison Sting attack!" Jesse yelled, grinning. "Way to go Jesse! Way to go!" James and Meowth danced with fans on the apron. "Team Rocket seems to be in a pretty good groove tonight!" Hiroshi said excitedly. "What an exciting match!" Bulbasaur was busily dodging the poisonous projectiles its opponent was breathing. "Good work, Bulbasaur!" Ash called. "Now use your Razor Leaves!" "BulbaSAUR!" Bulbasaur hunkered down, and a stream of swirling leaves blasted the rearing snake Pokemon, sending it to the floor with comically spinning eyes. "...Oh no! Arbok, return!" Jesse held out a Pokeball and a red beam of light pulled it back. "Here Jesse, use Wheezing!" James handed her another Pokeball. Jesse blinked. "James...your Wheezing..." She turned, and they looked into each other's eyes... >This was a rather heavy-handed attempt to imply romance between them. >Oh well. ^_^; "HEY!" Ash yelled, stamping his foot. "There's a MATCH going on here!" Team Rocket jumped. Jesse cleared her throat and threw out the Pokeball. "Wheezing, go!" The conglomerate pollution entity burst into existence, moaning its name. "Sludge attack!" A stream of viscous brown gunk spewed from the Wheezing's mouth. "Bulbasaur! Vine whip!" Ash yelled. The Bulbasaur dodged the sludge and began to smack the collection of pockmarked spheres around with its tentacles. "No!" Jesse cried. "This can't--" "Jesse." Jesse blinked, and turned to see James looking at her. "Don't you remember? Grass Pokemon are weak against Flying types!" Jesse's eyes widened. "You mean..." She suddenly grinned, and turned back to the ring. "Wheezing, return!" Then she pulled out yet another Pokeball. "And now...MUKUMUKU, GO!" A red beam of light shot into the center of the ring, revealing...a squirrel, wearing a cape. "MU!" "...uh...Daisuke?" Hiroshi asked. "Don't ask me, I just announce," Daisuke said. "...Mukumuku? What..." Ash pulled out his Pokedex. "Mukumuku, ATTACK!" Jesse yelled. With a "MU!" the squirrel LEAPED into the air, BOUNCED off a rack of lights high above the ring, and then SLAMMED back down into Ash's Bulbasaur... then landed back in front of Jesse. "...What the hell was THAT?!?" Hiroshi squawked. "...Bulbasaur! Vine whip!" Ash shouted desperately. Bulbasaur whipped its tentacles forward...but Mukumuku jumped PAST them and bounced off of Ash's face before slamming back down into his Pokemon. >The whole point is that Flying Pokemon are strong against Grass Pokemon. >Whee. "...Gaaah! Ash?...Ash!" Misty jumped up and down on the ringside, waving at Ash...but he was down, as was Bulbasaur. "...Ash is knocked out, along with his Pokemon!" Daisuke said. "The winners, believe it or not...Team Rocket!" "YAHOOOO!" Team Rocket jumped up and down in the ring and hugged each other (well, not Meowth), as the crowd expressed their dissatisfaction with the winners. "...Wow!" Hiroshi said. "What an upset! Due to Team Rocket's new... Pokemon, I guess!" "Seems a bit fishy to me," Daisuke said, "but then, what else can you expect from Team Rocket?" ===== "...Siegfried, have you seen Mukumuku around anywhere?" Ayda asked, frowning. "Neeeeeeeigh." >These are two characters from Suikoden 2, you see. ===== >I love this commercial. Though it wasn't technically my idea. ^_^; Ritsuko pressed herself against the wall. "They're almost here," she said calmly. Misato nodded, readying her weapon. "I'm ready." "Shhh!" She held up her hand. Tentative footsteps could be heard. Tension was thick as the steps got closer...and closer... Suddenly a figure appeared in the doorway, and Ritsuko and Misato fired. It screamed and ran back, dropping files. The two women pursued, only to run into a hail of foam discs as Shigeru and Makoto returned fire. Maya put her hands on her hips. "Mou! You people and your toys!" She was immediately pelted with foam pseudo-death. "Nerf. God's in his Heaven, all's right with our balls." >This is supposed to be the announcer, speaking while we see a picture of the >Nerf weapons lying on a plain white background. >And then we cut to... A plastic ball bounced off of Gendo's temple. He reached under his desk and pulled out a pump-action disc launcher. ===== Daisuke stared at the monitor. "...And we're back, from...commercials," he said. "Hey, that was a pretty neat spot," Hiroshi said. "Didn't you like it, Daisuke?" He waved his sparkly wand. >Reminding the people of the costumes so I can use them in a joke later. "And on that note," Daisuke said, "we're proud to bring you our first Omega match of the evening. This is our first ever Omega tag team match." "NOT ONLY THAT," Hiroshi hyped, "but it will be a battle good and evil! Light and darkness! Honorable offense and turtling!" >Turtling is a particular fighting game tactic that often annoys people. "...Yeah," Daisuke said. "Specifically, it will be a battle between two teams; representing NERV/Shadowlaw, Asuka in her Eva-02 and Rei Ayanami in her Eva-01," he paused to roll his eyes as Hiroshi sighed, "and on the opposing side, two fighters which each have a grudge of one half of this alliance: Shinji Ikari, and Ifurita." "Could you be any more unenthusiastic, Daisuke?" Hiroshi griped. Daisuke raised an eyebrow. "Why, yes, Hiroshi, I could." >I love those two lines. Hiroshi shuddered. "Let's just go straight to our Omega battlefield... Tokyo-3!" ===== Rei Ayanami stared out over the buildings of Tokyo-3. She breathed softly, in and out. Feeling the pulse of her Eva beneath her. Emptying her mind of thought, in preparation for the arrival of her opponent. Watching, and waiting for the time to strike. It was time. "finally, rei ayanami has come back to tokyo-3." >I came up with this line. And I'm damn proud of it. Back in NERV HQ, Misato blinked, then leaned forward and spoke into a microphone. "Rei, you've been here all day." "hai." Misato blinked again, then looked back at Ritsuko, who rolled her eyes. "I think Wonder-Doll's broken," Asuka snickered from her Eva. "Good work, Rei," Gendo said. "Prepare for battle." "hai." Rei took a moment to survey the surroundings again. A row of lights separated her Eva from Asuka's. About ten Eva-strides away was another row of lights. Two hovering figures flickered into view in front of the row of lights. Rei tensed. "we shall have fun eating ice cream." Misato blinked. Ritsuko looked bewildered. Fuyutsuki sweatdropped. Rei checked her book. "...wai." >And this is the famous Damien [Bird] line. Credit where credit is due. Daisuke looked over at his partner. "You made some changes to Rei's trash talk book, didn't you?" Hiroshi blushed. "But...but..she sounded so *cute*!" "Am I the only sane one here?" Asuka muttered rhetorically. Goku appeared in the middle of the battlefield. He looked at each of the combatants in turn. "This is an Omega tag team match," he stated, words echoing through the Ultradome as well. "Only one member of each team can be engaged at any time; the other fighter must stay behind their line of lights. To exchange, you must physically touch your partner, and then you have five seconds to move behind the lights, or risk disqualification. Are there any questions?" >I love thinking up new weird little rules and such. I got a kick out of this >match. I don't quite know if anyone else liked it as much as I did, though... "I have one." "Shut up, Hiroshi." >Another great throwaway joke, if I do say so myself... Goku looked around at the competitors. "Well, then...let the match begin!" He vanished, leaving the field to the fighters. ===== OMEGA MATCH #1: REI/EVA-00 and ASUKA/EVA-02 vs. SHINJI/EVA-01 and IFURITA Shinji looked at his partner. "Can I fight first?" he asked. Ifurita looked back at him for a moment, then nodded and flew behind the lights. Shinji turned to face his opponents. "Rei! Asuka!" he called. "You don't have to fight me like this!" "Engage the enemy, Rei," Gendo said. "hai." Eva-00 pounded forward and lunged, progressive knife hurtling through the air to be stopped by an AT-field. Eva-01 exploded into being and kicked its opponent in the stomach, sending Rei stumbling backward. "Come on, Rei!" Shinji said over the radio channel. "Come on, Rei!" Hiroshi cried, waving little fans with Rei faces on them. >Loosely based on a Dragon Half joke... Eva-01 roared, and stomped forward. It leaped into the air and fell with a vicious double axehandle punch. Eva-00 raised its forearms and caught the blow, feet sinking into the earth. >Now that I think about it, it's really not that different from a Lambda >match. I hope I was able to portray the scale and hugeness of the combatants. "I know you're a real person, Rei!" Shinji cried. "I know you're not just my f...that man's doll! You can think for yourself." Suddenly Eva-00 lashed out with a low kick. Fortunately, however, Eva units were not anatomically correct, so Eva-01 just stumbled backward. Eva-00 got up. "i am an ass girl and like to kick it doggy style, so suck it." As Hiroshi applied a tissue to his nose, Rei launched her Eva into a >That's a mangling of some Degeneration X catchphrases... huge somersaulting kick which connected with Eva-01's shoulder. As Shinji reeled, Rei thrust her knife again, lodging in her opponent's AT-field. "Rei," Shinji pleaded, "please!" "Shut up, Shinji!" Asuka suddenly yelled. "Calm down, calm down," Misato said, glancing worriedly between the monitors. "Just concentrate on the battle..." "Finish the enemy, Rei," Gendo said. "hai." "Rei..." Suddenly Eva-00's knife jerked forward. Then it began to slide inward toward the other Eva's heart. "...What's going on?!?" Hiroshi exclaimed. "Shinji's defense is weakening!" >Shinji's AT-Field is weakening, as explained in the later scene with Kaoru. Eva-01 ground back a step. "Rei!..." The deadly point of the knife edged closer... Shinji broke and ran. "Ifurita!" he yelled, diving past the lights. Ifurita calmly tapped the speeding Eva on the shoulder with her staff, then flew out into the field. Rei set herself. "Rei!" Asuka yelled. "Tag me in! I want a shot at this flying mannequin!" Ifurita stopped to hover a few scant meters from her opponent, then aimed and let loose an energy blast which the Eva avoided by diving to the side. Eva-00 sprang to its feet and jumped at the robot, slashing its knife, but Ifurita dodged in midair and let another bolt fly. "Rei!" Asuka yelled. "Damn it, tag me in!" "...Rei, tag out," Gendo said. Eva-00 backed away from the flying android. Ifurita stopped, waiting. Rei backed her Eva away, all the way to the line of lights. She reached her arm back and Eva-02 slapped her hand, then ran into the field. "All RIGHT!" Asuka yelled. "Time for some REAL ass-kicking!" Windows all over the city vibrated and shattered, as Eva-02 pounded forward. Ifurita flew towards her opponent as well, and their paths intersected-- There was a huge flash of light. Daisuke braced himself...then blinked, and looked at his partner. "Aren't you going to say...'Oh no' or 'what happened'?" he asked. "...Oh...I was concentrating on the camera showing Rei," Hiroshi said, grinning nervously. "Ah, of course." >That was intended to be weirdly anticlimactic. The cameras recovered, revealing Eva-02 and Ifurita standing nearly at opposite ends of the battlefield. Ifurita looked blackened, and her hover seemed shaky... ...but Eva-02's left arm was lying on the ground. Hiroshi opened his mouth. "If you use the word 'disarmed'," Daisuke said. "I will hit you." >Notice he used that word in my previous Ultra chapter, #5. Hiroshi closed his mouth. Then, after a moment, he said, "It looks like Ifurita is...DISASSEMBLING EVA-02!" Daisuke hit him. Eva-00 stuck its knife arm past the row of lights and slashed at Ifurita, who dodged and shot another energy bolt. Suddenly Goku appeared between them. "Hey! HEY!" he yelled, and the combatants froze. "No combat with out-of- match partners! I'm not going to warn you again!" He glared. At the opposite side of the battlefield, Eva-01 bent down to look at the prone Eva-02. "Asuka..." Eva-02 threw its head back and roared. Gendo smiled. >That just gives me chills, even now. I can only hope it affects other people >the same way. ^_^; Ifurita turned to see Eva-02 charging it. "Oh NO!" Hiroshi yelled. "Asuka's going POSTAL!!!" Asuka yelled something that was probably incomprehensible even if you spoke German, and lashed wildly at Ifurita with Eva-02's one good arm. Ifurita dodged, and again, then was clipped and went spinning away. Eva-02 pounced and snatched Ifurita out of the air...then slammed her down onto the ground. And then the Eva collapsed. "Asuka, tag out," Gendo said. Hiroshi's eyes threatened to explode. "Wow, a big desperation maneuver by Asuka pays off," Daisuke said. >I hope that didn't break the tension too much. Eva-02 began to crawl back to its line of lights. Eva-00 waited, still, hand outstretched. Then, after a moment, Ifurita rose from the crater. She seemed to be missing a leg, part of her staff was broken off and hanging by wires, and a violet glow radiated from the side of her stomach. She turned to face Eva-01, standing behind the lights with arm desperately flung forward. "Ifurita!" Shinji yelled. Ifurita floated a few feet forward...then stopped. "Your power is weak," she stated. "You cannot win this battle." Then she turned, to face Eva-00, stepping past the lights. The Ultradome was quiet. >Now *that's* tension. "Finish her off, Rei," Gendo said. "hai." Eva-00 jogged forward, knife held behind, then whiping forward in a quick slash. Ifurita dodged and gouged a hole in the Eva's shoulder with her staff. The Eva clenched its fists and a hexagonal energy field shimmered into existence... To meet an identical one. "Technique #2632, Absolute Terror Field," Ifurita intoned. She aimed her staff, but the Eva pressed forward...and a small explosion blossomed on the android's side. The AT-fields flickered, and suddenly Ifurita was hurtling downward to impact the earth again, throwing up a huge cloud of dust. Eva-00 reversed the grip on its knife. >See, I wanted Ifurita to be able to perfectly replicate the AT-Field >technique. That would have interesting implications for her. The point here >is that she was already damaged, and thus trying to counteract Rei's AT-Field >with her own caused some of her systems to overload. "Rei!" Shinji cried. "NO!" Eva-00 stabbed downward into the ground. A cloud of dirt and a spray of white energy flew into the air... The Eva stood up, leaving its knife buried. "The winners," Goku said, "Rei and Asuka!" "Good work, Rei," Gendo said, as the rest of the NERV personnel watched the screens slack-jawed. "hai." Daisuke looked over at his partner. "So...how do *you* feel about this win?" Hiroshi sat stock still...then suddenly his eyes got really big and sparkly. "Oh, Rei," he said, choking back sobs, "don't worry! I'll free you from your evil cage someday!" Daisuke sweatdropped. >And a final little tension-breaker there. ===== "Not much of a battle," Sephiroth commented. "..." Akuma said. >See, I wanted to try and mention...well, everyone I could. So... "Pitiful, to see mortals attempting to challenge gods." "I challenge anyone." "So you say. Pass the popcorn, mortal." "Here, weakling." Sephiroth and Akuma continued to watch the monitor. >I like that scene. Short scenes like this often seem funnier than longer >ones. The reason is that once you have things set up, you can resolve it in a >very small space. Therefore the small scenes seem to concentrate a lot of >humor into one space, even though it was all set up earlier. >This happens in Do-Gooders a lot too. ===== "Wow!" Hiroshi said. "I'm glad we had that break...I don't know how much more HEART-POUNDING ACTION I can take before I EXPLODE!" "And you know he means that literally, folks," Daisuke said. "And now we >Remember how Hiroshi died, right? They're both now clones, I believe. bring you--" Suddenly the ControversialTron flickered and turned to a test pattern. Daisuke blinked. "Uh...hold on. Something seems to be up with our Ti--uh, ControversialTron. Just a sec..." He put a hand to his ear. "What is it, Daisuke?" Hiroshi asked. "I'm getting a report from my *sources*...that say something strange is going on with the ControversialTron," Daisuke failed to illuminate. >This is a poke at some WWF episode where the announcers kept going on and on >about mysterious "sources" that gave them information... "...I see," Hiroshi said. "Yeah...and it looks like right about now we'll see--" >And here Twoflower's scene begins. I redid all the spacing and stuff to make >it consistent with the rest of my chapter, but I didn't change any of the >words. Twoflower just kinda wrote it whole and sent it to me. Static. Blurring white and black eddies of screwed up transmission, flickering, shifting... Soft, pleasant fireside chat style music echoed, as a fuzzy camera tried focus on a card being held up in front of it. In purple crayon, someone had written: And Now, A Personal Moment With Your Favorite Clown Prince Of Mischief, Xelloss Shifting to purple, defocused and fuzzy. Purple hair. Xelloss adjusted the camera, then stepped back and away from it, smiling for the millions... and millions of Ultra fans at home. He stood in a disheveled room, loaded with electronics diagrams on chalkboards and piles of equipment. "Hello, all you nice people!" he greeted, flashing a V for victory sign. "Why, it seems I've picked up a new hobby as a media pirate and taken over this broadcast! It's amazing what seventy four dollars can get you at Radio Shack. But don't worry, sports entertainment fans, I won't be long, and then you'll be back to enjoying all matters of eye-pleasing bloodshed and violence. Where am I, you ask? Ah...that is a secret. It would be a glorious waste of time to try looking, I'm afraid. Besides, there are more important things to discuss. More interesting things to hype..." The Mazoku winked...and snatched a poster from out of frame, holding it up. Emblazoned in the techno lettering common on the show was: ULTRARAGE GAMMA 'Sponsored by the Himitsu Business Consulting Services' (Our Motto : "The reason why your company is failing is a secret") "Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you...the NEXT event you will likely be forking over thirty of your hard earned dollars for!" Xelloss proclaimed. "Due to Jack's negligence, as he has been so busy being, well, Jack, nobody made the arrangements for the pay per view coming up in just four short weeks. This will not do. So, I've stepped in and taken over for that particular night." He pressed a button on a nearby soundtrack machine, and five seconds of wild, crazed applause followed. He clicked it off before proceeding. "No no, no need to thank me. I'm just doing my part to keep the fans happy. And Jack? I trust you'll show at Madison Square Garden with the Ultra cast of wacky characters for the night. After all, if you don't, your ratings will fall as the fans turn against you and no godhead will save you from the almighty Nielsens...oh, my word! The godhead! I had completely forgotten about that. Were you looking for...THIS?!" And he reachedintohispocketandPULLEDOUTA...yo-yo. "Oh, sorry, wrong pants," Xelloss joked, flicking the yo-yo a few times. "In all seriousness, it's still quite hidden, and no, you won't find it before the show. But that's okay. I told you before that I would let you challenge for the godhead at Gamma, and I'm a man of my word. Therefore, I'm rather pleased to announce the MAIN EVENT at UltraRage Gamma...The Supreme Being Showdown!" Xelloss nudged the camera, panning it over to a work table, where an Ultra Action Ring Playset was set up, complete with action figures. He picked up a Controversial Jack With Kung Fu Grip And Really Sharp Hair and placed it in one corner... "Yes, it'll be YOU, Controversial Jack, God of Chaos in one corner. No 'champions', this time, I'm afraid you'll have to put on your best power tie and get your hands dirty. And your opponent, you ask?..." Another action figure was added, in the opposite corner. "Kasumi Tendo, God of Neatness! Yes, Kasumi herself will be your opponent. BUT WAIT! Aren't there OTHER gods or potential gods who would just LOVE to get a shot at the title? Why, yes! Look!" ...and then Xelloss dumped a small bucket over the ring, raining plastic figurines down into one heaping pile. A lot like the aftermath of a normal overdone Ultra main event. "Who am I to discriminate against the Orochi, just because he's naughty? Oh no no, HE gets a shot at the godhead as well. And then there's that nice young man Gendo Ikari, well, he'd love to have a third impact and become a god, so why not let him try his best? And M. Bison, god of organized crime, would enjoy stepping up in the world--even if he has to step on the head of his new partner. Plus there's that poor young girl that was slighted last time around, Lina Inverse, I think Lina-chan deserves a chance. And finally, what kind of a main event would this be without the god of futility himself, Dan Hibiki? And look at the special guest referee! What a fabulous purple hairstyle he has!" Xelloss giggled as he grabbed figures and bonked them together randomly, playing around. "It'll be great! One huge Omega rules battle royale in the finest tradition of Ultra! Just think!! Kyaa! You can't face my Shinku Gadoken! Nooo, stay good, Kasumi, stay good! Orochi, you got in the way of Lina's food and now must die! Yeah! KILL! KILL! KILL!! Ah...ahhah. Heh. Sorry, got carried away..." He regained some composure, and moved the camera away, leaning in close to get really personal with us. "That's right. Jack vs. Orochi vs. Gendo vs. Bison vs. Kasumi vs. Lina vs. Dan. That's a lot of versus, but I think I can referee it. Of course... if any of them NO-SHOW the fight, due to injury, or incapacitation or crippling or being tied up and thrown in a closet...I'll just have to replace them with another hopeful at the event. The show must go on, after all! Good luck, boys and girls! Especially since you'll be watching your back between now and then...and that's the bottom line, because Xelloss says so! We now take you back to Ultra, already in progress. Have a nice day!" With a wink and a smile, Xelloss yanked a cable out of the wall, and the pirate signal cut to black. >And such is the end. He didn't really recommend I do anything in particular >before or after the scene, just have it in there. ===== Hiroshi and Daisuke stared. After a moment, Daisuke muttered into his headset, "Cut to commercial and get me some damn earplugs for this crowd." >The point being that the crowd was very loud. Make up your own Ultra loudness >superlative and put it here. ===== >So after that I wanted to cut away, give everyone a chance to calm down, and >make the reader think a little. Lina's jaw hung open. "Oh, my," Aerith said. "Lina-san? Are you all right?" >Notice that Lina is dead, so she's in Heaven with Aerith. I think. "...I..." "That was quite a shock," Aerith continued. "...What do you think?" After a moment, Lina shook her head. "What? That's...that's gotta be a joke? Hasn't it?" She laughed, sort of. "Me? A god? And Xellos is behind it? It's..." "...Actually a lot like him," Aerith commented. Lina considered. "...Yeah, you're right. ...But still!" She shook her head again. "I'm not...I couldn't be a god! I'm human! I *like* being Lina Inverse the travelling black sorceress!" >I've always wondered how much this scene might have influenced Twoflower's >ultimate decision on the godhead... Aerith smiled. "You're very wise, Lina-san." "No I'm not," Lina snapped. "That's the whole point!" "Still," Aerith continued, "this will give you a chance to fight Orochi again." Lina blinked. Then...she cracked her knuckles. "Oh, YEAH. I am there." She frowned. "Speaking of which, what about Naga and that Schneiderman guy? Aren't they finding some magic balls to bring me back to life?" >See, my dermatologist is named Dr. Schneiderman... "Oh, yes. I'll see if I can look in on them." Aerith walked over to adjust the interdimensional TV. While she did so, Lina sighed, and looked off into space...idly playing with her hair. "A god..." ===== Naga drained her glass. Naga put her glass down on the counter. Naga looked around. Naga did not see Dark Schneider. Naga concluded the best course of action was to wait some more. "Bartender! Another!" Tifa rolled her eyes. "Yes, miss..." "Miss?" Naga put her hand to her mouth and "OOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOO!!!" Which was probably why she was the only customer. "I'm not just simple drinker! I am Naga, the Black Serpent, chief rival of Lina Inverse!" >That was...a rather dumb mistake on my part. She hasn't been the Black >Serpent for...many chapters. ^_^; >Anyway, this scene was to keep reminding people of the Dragon Balls, and try >and make things come out so the final one would be found at the PPV. "Hai, hai, you've told me so," Tifa said, pouring another drink. "Many times. Many, many times..." "Hey, Tifa." Tifa looked up and smiled at the man entering the bar. "Hi, Bean. Can I get you something?" "Nah, we got a match soon." He frowned. "You didn't forget, did you?" "Oh, no. Just didn't feel like warming up yet." She rolled her eyes at her customer. "Although maybe I should have..." Naga let loose another laugh, just for the hell of it. "OOOOOHOHOHOHO!!!" She smiled, blinked, and squinted at Bean. "...Uh...are you Dar'Schneider?" Bean sweatdropped. "Uh...no." "...Oh. ...Have you seen him?" "...No." "...Oh. ...Me neither." Naga pondered for a moment, then drained her glass and slammed it onto the table. "Bartender! Another!" "Aiyah," Tifa muttered. ===== "...And we're back live with Ultra," Daisuke said. "Wow. Quite an earthshaking announcement from Xelloss. What do you think, Hiroshi?" "Not just EARTHSHAKING, Daisuke!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "MINDboggling, STUPEfying, aSTONishing, [insert your own superlative here]! I can't wait to UltraRage Gamma!" >Try saying those with the capitalized syllables louder. "Then use the restroom now," Daisuke said. >Okay, lame joke, but... Hiroshi glared. "Anyway...I'm going to pick Dan for the winner!" Daisuke blinked, and coughed. "*Dan*? Are you nuts?" "No!" Hiroshi proclaimed. "In fact, I bet the fans agree! Hey!" He stood up and faced the audience, wings and tutu fluttering. "Hey! How many DAN FANS we got in here?!?" Judging by the way the roar blew Hiroshi off his feet, there were quite a few. >Everyone loves Dan, right? "...oh, great," Daisuke said. "Dan as God. Terrific. Wonderful." He considered. "Well, I guess he couldn't be worse than Jack." "I HEARD THAT, DAISUKE!" Daisuke jumped and looked around wildly...then spotted Jack's grinning visage on the ControversialTron. "But I don't really mind," Jack continued. "Frankly, I don't CARE what you and your hyperactive partner think of my reign of chaos! Hey, the fans like your announcing, so I won't bother to draw and quarter you!" He stuck Mr. Duck in the camera. "SQUEAK!" "Exactly! So let me say that I'll be ready for Xelloss' little event at Madison Square Garden, and I can take ANYTHING that secretive little freak can throw at me!" >What was it Mr. Duck said? Damned if I know. The audience, predictably enough, cheered. "...uh...yeah," Daisuke said. "But ANYWAY!" Jack screamed. "It's now time for our special TRICK OR TREAT MATCH!!!" The fans gave a big pop (#23: "Hey, a gimmick match!"). >That's another one of my favorite jokes in this chapter. For those non- >wrestling fans, a gimmick match is...well, a match with a gimmick. Where the >object is not really to pin your opponent, but to do something else. Climb a >ladder, escape a cage, grab an uncooked turkey, something gimmicky. >(I bet you think I'm joking about the turkey.) "So what's this match all about, Jack-sama?" Hiroshi asked. "I'm GLAD YOU ASKED, Hiroshi!" Jack's teeth gleamed. "As you can see, >That's *almost* a catchphrase for Jack...almost... we're here in this storeroom deep in the bowels of Ultra..." The camera pulled back to show a big room, empty except for a bunch of lights, a few extra cameramen, and...presents. Big giftwrapped boxes in eyegouging color schemes, of all shapes and sizes; from tiny wedding ring size to huge wrestling ring size, and everything in between. "And scattered throughout >That "ring/ring" sentence bears a bit of rereading, to make sure you get >it... this room are...items," Jack continued. "Now...the thing about this match is that it's a regular Lambda match with two extra stipulations:" 1) "First, all competitors are in the room at the same time, so there's none of that racing to tag and house afire crap that you usually see. As soon >Those are wrestling commentary terms referring to the way tag team matches >usually go. as ONE fighter is down for a ten count...THEIR TEAM LOSES!" 2) "Anything in the boxes is legal to use in the match...in *whatever* way you see fit!" At this point, Jack stopped waving his arms and orating, and put his face right up close to the camera. "Now...I'm sure you're all wondering what's *in* the boxes. Well, it's quite simple," he said, eyes gleaming. "Some of the boxes contain...Treats! And some of them contain...TRICKS!" Jack laughed maniacally as the crowd roared its approval. "Hey, this might be interesting," Daisuke said. "INTERESTING, Daisuke?" Hiroshi frothed. "It's--" But we never got to find out what Hiroshi thought it was, as Jack >There's that joke form again... interrupted. "SO! Without further ado, let me introduce...Ataru and Happosai, TEAM HENTAI!" The audience dissolved into confused murmurs, punctuated with some boos, which increased as Team Hentai entered the room and mugged for the camera. "And their opponents!" Jack continued. "Weighing in at astoundingly mismatched sizes which I could tell you if I felt like it...PIKACHU aaaand BLANKA!!!" An okay cheer met the bestial duo. A big 'awww' went up as Pikachu scampered into view and looked cute, but it was quickly squashed as Blanka lumbered into frame and roared. "OKAY!" Jack waved his arms wildly, just because. "Let the battle... BEGIN!!!" >Writing Jack is like writing humor. Sometimes it just doesn't work. But >sometimes it really, REALLY works. >This chapter, just about everything worked. ===== LAMBDA MATCH #3: ATARU and HAPPOSAI vs. PIKACHU and BLANKA Ataru and Happosai looked at each other, looked at their opponents, looked around the room...and bolted. "And Team Hentai buggers off!" Hiroshi said. >Probably thinking of Holy Grail there... "No, wait," Daisuke said. "It looks like they're unwrapping that green box. The big six-foot-tall one, with the protruding front..." He sweatdropped. >i.e. the one that might hold a five/six-foot humanoid with a large front. >(I suppose I should have used metric measurements...) "Stand back, boy!" Happosai called. Ataru backed away, and Happosai gave the wooden crate underneath the wrapping paper a kick. It flew apart to reveal... A huge water faucet. >or a water faucet. "What the heck?" Hiroshi asked. That seemed to be the general reaction of Team Hentai. Ataru pulled the handle and water gushed out onto the two. "Yeah, it's a faucet," Ataru confimed, spitting out water. "Pi! PikaaaaCHUU!" Pikachu scampered forth and did its thing, electrifying the pair. The audience roared with laughter and Blanka simply roared, at the sight of the singed perverts. Then they shook it off, nodded to each other, and ran off in opposite directions. "Pi! Pi, pika!" Pikachu ran over to its partner and spoke rapidly in Pikachugo. Blanka nodded and started to pursue Ataru, while Pikachu scurried after Happosai. "Team Hentai's strategy seems to be to open as many boxes as possible!" Hiroshi said. "Strange," Daisuke said. "I wonder if they know something we don't..." Happosai elected to stop in front of a huge package that towered over him. "Bigger is better," he cackled, and blurred over it with his mad martial arts skeelz. The package fell open to reveal... A ten-meter string of black stone spheres. With eyes. "Rrrraaaa," it growled. "That's...That's an ONIX!" Hiroshi exclaimed. >The Pokemon. Note that it's basically invulnerable to Electric attacks. Pikachu stopped in its tracks. "PIKAAAA!" It ran the other way. The Onix looked at Happosai, who pointed at Pikachu, then lumbered after the electric Pokemon. The lecherous martial arts master chose a smaller package to unwrap, revealing a big bag of PikaChow. He rolled his eyes, and looked around for something else. >Note: PikaChow. Like special food for Pikachus. "Meanwhile," Daisuke said, "Ataru seems to not be having much luck." The camera switched just in time to see Ataru slam facefirst into a big chartreuse package. He slid down to the floor as Blanka stalked up behind him, growling. The box, however, fell open to reveal. Hiroshi's eyes bulged. "Oh...my...God." "...What?" Daisuke said. "It's just a couple of black ladders." "Those aren't just black ladders, Daisuke!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "Those are...THE GOTHIC LADDERS OF DOOM!!!" Daisuke blinked. >This is a reference to No Mercy 1999, the Hardyz/Edge & Christian ladder >match that was really wild. The ladders were black and gothic-looking. Ataru grabbed one of the ladders and swung in crazily at his opponent. Blanka caught the ladder and pulled it out of his hands, then swung it up and then down, catching Ataru between two rungs. He then proceeded to swing the ladder around, Ataru yelling all the way. >This is basically pulled from that match. "INCREDIBLE!" Hiroshi yelled. Daisuke made another mark on a piece of paper in front of him. "Look at the sheer strength of this wild fighter!" >Daisuke is marking down how many times Hiroshi says "INCREDIBLE!". Blanka released the ladder, which smacked Ataru into the Onix. The rock- type Pokemon shook its head, then grumbled and slithered away. Pikachu paused to wipe its brow. Meanwhile, Happosai was opening another roughly human-sized package to reveal... A beige-ish humanoid creature with brown clothes and flapping ears. "Meesa love you!" All four competitors took a moment to stomp the creature into the floor. >Yes, Jar Jar Binks...the only reason I put him in was so I could have the >line at the end of the scene. "And the world is done a great service," Daisuke said. "But wait, what's this? I think Ataru might actually be holding his own against Blanka!" Ataru had taken several electrical bursts from his opponent, and had opened another random gift to reveal an arcane-looking staff. While some fighters might have tried to figure out how to draw out its magical powers, Ataru was simply swinging it rather wildly at Blanka, who had drawn back to look for an opening. >This was pretty random. I had no special idea of what this staff was. "I guess Blanka didn't hear about Ataru's resistance to electrical attacks," Hiroshi said. "...But look! Now Pikachu is opening a package!" Happosai ran over to the Pokemon as Pikachu opened a box about the same size as itself and Happosai to reveal... A superdeformed guy with a green jacket, swim cap and red Speedos. "...it's a little SD guy," Daisuke said. "Anyone recognize him?" >And now, from the Really Obscure Joke Files, it's Nagare from Shiritsu >Justice Gakuen Nekketsu Seishun Nikki 2. Colloquially known as Rival Schools >2. He's a swimmer, you see. ===== Sakura sat bolt upright. "Nagare!" Shermie looked at her and blinked. "What?" Sakura froze, and then slowly slouched again. "...Nagare. A man I met... in my previous life." Shermie looked at her for a few more moments, then nodded. "I see." She looked back to the television. Sakura tried to calm her racing heart. >Just reminding everyone that these characters are here. Also, Sakura probably >knows Nagare, since she's in Rival Schools 2 as well. ===== "Pi! Pika, pi! Chu! Pika, chu!" Pikachu was pikachuing animatedly at >"pikachu" also being a verb to refer to Pikachu speaking. the SD swimmer, while Happosai looked on in bafflement. SD Nagare looked at Happosai, then back at Pikachu, and nodded. Suddenly all three were dancing in unison. They twirled, leaped, and spun...and then Happosai was thrown back into yet another package, which opened to show a bag of BlankaChow. Pikachu waved as Nagare walked away on his stubby legs. "...that was...odd," Daisuke noted. Hiroshi nodded. >If you've played Rival Schools 1 or 2, you'll know that you can call upon >teammates in battle to do team-up attacks. This is a description of Nagare's >team-up attack. It's kind of like a swimming water-dance thing, only on dry >land. It's as odd as it sounds. >And the point here is that Nagare is SD...so he, Happosai and Pikachu are all >the same size. Therefore the team-up attack works. Sorta. Meanwhile, Blanka had Ataru by the ankles and was more or less literally wiping the floor with him. Finally he wound up and *threw* the young pervert at his master, sending them both sailing over the BlankaChow and into a >Note: BlankaChow. Food for Blankas. Or something. roughly 20-inch-monitor size box, to reveal... >Like, a box the size of one you might get a 20-inch monitor in. (Should have >used metrics...) Morrigan. The arena fell silent. Morrigan stood up and...*stretched*. "MORRIGAN-CHAAAAAAAN!!!" Team Hentai rocketed forward into a storm of nasty tentacle revenge maneuvers. >Okay, this is inspired by the Darkstalkers anime. I watched it and there was >this part where Morrigan had lots of black tentacle-things extending from her >back and she used them to destroy...something. A bunch of robots, I think. >And this made me think it was like...Female revenge for all the tentacle porn >anime. Thus...tentacle revenge maneuvers. "...Morrigan lays the SMACK down on Team Hentai!" Daisuke said around his tissue. As the crowd went berserk, Morrigan finished off the two comedic heels, then waved to the opposing team, blew a kiss to the camera...and left. "...Wow," Hiroshi said. Daisuke looked at him, grinned evilly and asked, "So how does she compare to Rei?" and chuckled when his partner jumped. "PIKA!" Pikachu scampered around victoriously, and Blanka roared. But then there was an explosion. "...Egad!" Hiroshi said, just for variety. "What's happening now?" The explosion cleared to reveal a red glow, and in the middle of it... Happosai. >See, he really is a powerful martial artist with a huge battle aura. When >he's not distracted. "...I went through all this just to get a glimpse of a pretty girl!" he yelled. "And now it's all SPOILED! You two will PAY for this!" he squeaked. Ataru rose up behind him like a zombie. "Yeah!" he coughed. They started forward. "Rrrrarr!" Blanka edged back nervously, and Pikachu looked around wildly. Spotting a nearby package, it tore it open furiously to reveal... A bag of PervertChow. >And the final part to the joke. "Free pair of panties in each bag of >PervertChow!" Pikachu blinked...then its eyes lit up. "PiKA!" Tearing the bag open, it rummaged inside and pulled out the free pair of panties, then tossed them at the hentai. Happosai blinked, and then his eyes sparkled. "PANTIES!" He leaped into the air and grabbed them, then went into a perversion trance. Ataru looked at his partner. "...Um...sensei? Uh..." He looked back, at the bestial grins of Pikachu and Blanka. Ataru sweatdropped. Hiroshi winced and grimaced. "Yeeeagh! That's GOTTA hurt!" >I didn't feel I needed to explain that bit any more. "I think that wraps this one up," Daisuke concluded. "The winners, by defeating Ataru...PIKACHU AND BLANKA!" The crowd went wild, as Pikachu posed on top of Ataru's beaten form, and Blanka roared in the background, and a final package fell over to reveal the obligatory kitchen sink. >Gotta have one of those, right? "Wow!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "What a match!" "It was certainly...Jack-like," Daisuke said. "Wow. That was so...wild, I think we'll have to go to commercial again. We'll be right back, after this!" "...meesa itai," a voice said. >And *that* was the line I wanted to include. ===== "Well, I think Jack-sama will be pleased," James said, grinning. "Oh, yes indeed! We showed those brats this time!" Jesse said. "Finally, Team Rocket will get some respect!...Hey, look at that!" The duo stopped to see two Pikachu talking animatedly with each other. One was definitely the Pikachu that had just finished the Trick or Treat match. The other...had a bitter expression on its cute little face. >It's Pikachu and Dark Schneider-turned-into-a-Pikachu. (Darchu.) "Well, this must be our lucky day!" James said. "Two Pikachu, all for the taking! Come on, Jesse!" Team Rocket advanced. The Pikachu saw them. The bitter one scowled, and Pikachu tapped it on the shoulder. "Pi! Pikachu! Chu, pika, pi pika chu!" The other pikachu stepped forward, eyes blazing. An aura of energy seemed to gather around it. James blinked. "Uh, Jesse...have you ever seen a Pikachu do that before?" Jesse considered. "Well--" But we never go to find out if she had, because at that moment the Pikachu >There's that joke form again... yelled "KACHUPIIIICHU!" and a huge bolt of energy slammed down from the ceiling and fried Team Rocket. >This is supposed to be Dark Schneider casting "HALLOWEEN" in pikachugo. >(Oddly appropriate, isn't it?) "Pi! Pika, chu!" Pikachu slapped its fellow Pokemon on the shoulder encouragingly, and they scampered off. Jesse coughed smoke. "...uuugh...looks like Team Rocket's...oh, to hell with it." >I enjoy doing the unexpected like that. "Medic..." James called weakly. ===== "And now, it's time for the Shadowlaw Crime of the Week! Shadowlaw! We're everywhere, so get used to it!" >This is based on a WWF thing; companies sponsor various recaps of previous >action with themed names. The most famous is the Lugz Boot of the Week (Lugz >makes shoes or something). And they show a little edited clip of something >that happened this week and will often be important to what's coming up next. >This "Crime of the Week" bit wasn't important to what came next, but I >really, really wanted to have an "X of the Week" segment in my chapter. The >"Crime" is supposed to be something particularly heelish. The "We're >everywhere, so get used to it" is supposed to be the Shadowlaw slogan. I >don't think that bit quite worked, but... Hiroshi almost sweatdropped. "Uh...maybe. ...Well, nevertheless, Ken has been badly beaten, and we probably need--WAIT A MINUTE! What's going on?" A flare of purple energy appeared next to the unconscious form of Ken. The fans near the guardrail drew back as it grew in size and intensity, and with an eye-twisting flash it vanished, leaving behind a pair of young fighters. "The PSYCHO SOLDIERS!" Hiroshi yelled, as a huge wave of boos and screams of outrage swept the Dome. "No! They can't do this!" Sie and Athena were consumed in purple fire and vanished just as Ryu and Gambit got to ringside...taking Ken with them. >If you go back and look at the first time this happened, I edited the text a >bit, paring it down. The point is that I wanted this to seem like an edited >version, like they always show on the Boot of the Week and stuff. "That was the Shadowlaw Crime of the Week! Remember...Shadowlaw! We're everywhere, so get used to it!" >I guess it really only makes sense if you've seen one of the things on a WWF >show...^_^; ===== Hiroshi and Daisuke stared at the monitor. "Uh...Daisuke..." "...Yes, Hiroshi?" "...Do I really sound like that?" Daisuke opened his mouth, but decided not to bother. "Coming up next, we have another Omega match...this one, a rematch beween Sephiroth and Mega Man, specially requested by the One Winged Angel." "Whee!" Hiroshi waved his sparkly wand, and with a flash, there was a bowl of cereal in front of Daisuke. Daisuke stared at it, and then at his partner. >Twoflower: "And maybe his wand actually does stuff!" "What the hell did you just do, Hiroshi?" he asked. "...Uh...I dunno, really," Hiroshi said. "But eat up! After all, clones need fiber!" >This was an in-joke between Ultra readers for a while, I think it actually >first appeared in "print" in Ultra vs. WWF #1..."Clones need fiber", that is. ===== Sephiroth floated above the city. It was a strange city. Somehow it reminded him of Midgard, with its tangle of futuristic streets, buildings and walkways...but it was much cleaner, and somehow more alive. People in strange costumes gawked at him, and military-looking men in light blue uniforms and metal masks babbled in their foreign language to him. >This is Bregna. Most of the action in Aeon Flux takes place here. He let the wind play with his hair, and smiled. Yes, it was an interesting city, even the tower shaped like a cigarette lighter. And somehow it smelled to him of secrets...betrayal. Darkness. >I think I got it described pretty well. Perfect. A small portal opened, and Mega Man emerged onto the roof of a nearby building. "You're my opponent again?" he called. Sephiroth tilted his head back and laughed to the heavens. "Oh, yes, boy. Yes indeed." He looked at the robot and his smile disappeared. "Fine, then," Mega Man said grimly, readying his blaster. "I'm ready!" "No, you're not!" Sephiroth snapped, and flew forward. ===== OMEGA MATCH #2: MEGA MAN vs. SEPHIROTH "And Sephiroth starts things off!" Hiroshi said. "Bringing the fight in close!" "But Mega Man's having none of it," Daisuke said. Mega Man had jumped down from the building and was firing cannon shots on the way down. Sephiroth spun elegantly, avoiding the bullets, and landed. Mega Man narrowed his eyes, and gripped his cannon. Suddenly his armor was red and yellow, and he blasted out a wave of fire. Sephiroth was engulfed in the flames. "...And Mega Man scores a hit!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "AAAAAGH!" Sephiroth yelled. He flew up a few meters, thrashing as his suit burned. "AAAAAGH!" "...Sephiroth seems at a...disadvantage," Daisuke said, blinking. Mega Man switched back to his normal Buster Shot and fired off a few rounds...catching Sephiroth square in the chest. "ARGH!" Sephiroth arghed, and crumpled to the ground. "Agh...oh...the pain..." Mega Man blinked, and stepped forward. "Er..." "No, I can't take it," Sephiroth said, writhing. "Oh, help..." Hiroshi and Daisuke stared at each other. "Uh..." Hiroshi started. Goku appeared, and started the count. "1...2..." "Oh, argh." Sephiroth continued to thrash, though the fire was out. Mega Man blinked in bewilderment. "...9...10," Goku said, seeming reluctant. "Mega Man wins." He vanished. "...And...Mega Man with a...victory over Sephiroth!" Hiroshi tried to enthuse. "Something didn't seem quite right there," Daisuke said. He looked at the prompter and rolled his eyes. "But we can't talk about it now, because it's time for yet another set of yummy commercials." ===== Back in scenic Bregna, Sephiroth opened his eyes. He looked right and left, and then stood, dusting himself off. "Is it done?" he asked. His erstwhile opponent blinked. "Uh...yeah..." Mega Man said. "Good." And Sephiroth...smiled. >Yes, this was all Twoflower's idea. The fight itself was so-so, but I think >it was adequate. ===== "And we're BACK!" Hiroshi yelled, back in his groove and fresh from emergency reconstructive surgery on his larynx. "Hold on to your seats, >Read that again to make sure you don't pass it up. He had surgery during the >commercial break. 'cause we've got a LAMBDA TITLE DEFENSE right HERE!" "Yeah, wouldn't want your seats to get away," Daisuke said. Hiroshi looked at him. Daisuke sighed. "Sorry, do your thing." "Right!" Hiroshi looked intently at the camera. "First, the challengers. Representing Orochi and the Void...SHERMIE and YASHIRO!" The Orochiteers ambled down the ramp to the boos of the crowd, as strange experimental music scrabbled from the speakers. Shermie waved and bounced to >I like the experimental music thing for the Orochi. Kinda like...I can't even >remember the guy's name, but just random sounds and stuff. Meaningless noise. >I think it's appropriate. the audience, while Yashiro just glowered. They reached the ring apron and exchanged a few words which the microphones didn't catch, and then Yashiro climbed inside. "Looks like Yashiro will be starting things off for the Disciples of the Void," Hiroshi noted. "This team looks to be in fine form tonight!" "Well, Shermie certainly does," Daisuke said. Hiroshi stared at him. "What?" Daisuke said. "I got urges just like you." >I always try and give characters depth. "Daisuke..." Hiroshi sighed. "Never mind. Now for the current, reigning Lambda Division Champions of the WOOOOOOOORLDS...TIFA and BEAN!" The crowd exploded as Tifa and Bean entered. Tifa smiled and waved at the cheers, while Bean stayed close behind her, nodding to the fans. "Hm. That's interesting," Daisuke murmured. "What is it, my fine furry friend?" >He's still in the tanuki suit, you see. Very SMB3-ish. Daisuke shot an annoyed glance to his right. "I was just going to say, it looks like this team, especially Tifa, may *not* be in such fine form." "Really?" Hiroshi looked. Upon further inspection, Bean seemed to be almost hovering close to his partner, and Tifa's smile seemed...brittle, somehow. There was a definite pale cast to her face, and shakiness to her movements. "You may be right, Daisuke," Hiroshi agreed. "Something seems to be troubling Tifa. ...And after a bit of discussion, Bean is starting things off for the champions! ...And this match is going to start right about...NOW!" ===== LAMBDA MATCH #4, TITLE BOUT: SHERMIE and YASHIRO vs. TIFA and BEAN Bean beckoned to Yashiro. "Come on!" The Disciple obliged, rushing forward with a punch. Bean blocked with his forearm and threw a return punch, which Yashiro ducked, taking advantage of the opening to strike Bean in the stomach. Unfortunately, his fist bounced off a wall of muscle. Bean grinned, and kneed his opponent in the face, sending Yashiro staggering back. "Not bad," he said, "but not that good, either." "Wow!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "Bean and Yashiro have a similar, brawling- oriented fighting style, but Bean's attacks are having a lot more effect than Yashiro's are!" "Yashiro's going to have to think of something else," Daisuke noted. "Oh, wait, look at that." 'That' was Bean being grabbed by the throat and hurled across the ring. "CHOKESLAM!" Hiroshi shouted. "I dunno if that quite counts as a chokeslam, Hiroshi," Daisuke noted. >This was some move that I think was mentioned in the FAQ, but I wasn't sure >it was really what I thought it was...but, well, eventually you just get to a >point where you have to wing it. "WORK WITH ME, Daisuke!" And the crowd went wild. "But whatever it was, it's not stopping Bean!" Bean indeed did get up, although he seemed to be moving a bit slower, and traded more blows with Yashiro. "Yashiro seems to be wising up," Daisuke said. "More technical moves, almost reminiscent of a Capoeira style!" Hiroshi stared. "You made that up." "No, actually, this time I didn't. See?" Daisuke held up an FAQ which said 'NANAKASE YASHIRO, Fighting Style: Variation of Capoeira'. >Yes, this is real. "...Anyway, both fighters are in a bad way!" Hiroshi subject-changed. "Yashiro has got some good hits in, and even with Bean being, well, Bean, he's being worn down! Some tags have gotta be made!" Yashiro danced back and tagged in Shermie, who climbed over the ropes with a smile. "Oh, what a big man you are," she said. "I hope you'll be gentle." "...Eheh," Bean said. "Bean! Tag out!" Tifa said, jumping up and down a little (which the cameraman made sure to get a good shot of). >Hm, second time I've used that joke this chapter... "Yeah, good idea." Bean reached back to tag Tifa in, and-- [[ J T V ]] >JTV is a takeoff, of course, on the WWF's GTV. I liked it, so I made sure to >put it in my chapter. "What? JTV's back on the air!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "What exciting revelation do they have for us tonight?" "Can you not be *quite* such a mark, Hiroshi?" Daisuke muttered, as the ControversialTron revealed... >Mark, meaning, he gets all excited and enthusiastic and this stuff... ===== Tifa, and a young man with spiky yellow hair. "But Tifa, just--" "NO!" Tifa yelled. Her face shone wet. "I don't want to DEAL with this now, OKAY? I don't want to deal with YOU! Just...just go! Get out of here!" "But--" "I said GO! Why not go back to your wonderful dead AERITH? I'm sure she'd be glad to take you back!" She rubbed her face, and turned away. "Just don't come back here! I...I don't ever want to see you again!" Tifa walked out of frame. "...Tifa..." The man took a stepped forward and raised his hand...then let it drop. >The spacing, like the Crime of the Week, is supposed to represent an image of >an image, sort of thing. ===== There was silence for a moment. Then, it was broken by Tifa's footsteps on the entrance ramp. >Okay, the thing about this... >I wanted to push this angle this way, because I like this romantic angst and >stuff. I *enjoyed* this angle. I wanted to have it develop and continue. >The problem was that I wasn't *quite* sure I had all the facts and backstory >correct. I had this feeling that I was making some terrible mistake and >contradicting something that had happened before. >However, I went ahead and did it anyway. >And of course this was one of the big things that this chapter was torn apart >about on the message board. So of course my laziness...Well, it came back and >bit me in the ass. >So, I really don't have any excuse for this...and I guess that's all I have >to say. Bean stared after her. "Tifa!...aw, *crap*! Now she's..." He sighed. Then, after a moment, he blinked. "Wait..." Bean turned around to get a close-up view of one of Shermie's high heels. Hiroshi found his voice. "...And Tifa has *abandoned* Bean to face *both* of the Disciples of the Void! "That's it for 'im, then," Daisuke said. Shermie followed up her hip-stretching kick with two more, and then LEAPED onto Bean's shoulders-- "SHERMIE SPIRAL!!!" Hiroshi spasmed. "That's IT! Bean's done for!" >That's where Shermie sits on the opponent's shoulders, with their face in her >crotch, and twists her body to painfully twist the opponent's neck. At least, >I think that's what it is. "Pleasure and pain," Daisuke noted. "What a combination." Hiroshi stared at him. "What?!?" Daisuke snapped. "I'm sure LILITH knows what I'm talking about! Eh, Hiroshi?" Hiroshi turned paler (which, given his usual clone complexion, was a pretty good trick). He glanced at the ring. "The winners...and NEW! Lambda Division CHAMPIONS! SHERMIE AND YASHIROOOO!" >And thus the Orochi faction gains one of the belts. Yashiro raised his arms as Shermie waved to the crowd and ran through a few dance steps, holding the Lambda belts. The audience expressed a huge amount of disapproval, and even started throwing things at the pair. Shermie used the soda cans and seat cushions for lightning bolt target practice. >She uses lightning a lot in her fighting, actually. "And the crowd--ow! The crowd doesn't like this one bit! HEY!" Hiroshi stood up and yelled at the fans behind him. "WATCH YOUR AIM, MORONS!" "I guess there's one good thing about this costume," Daisuke said, as a soda can bounced off his fluffy tanuki head. >That's another of my favorite jokes... "We'll be right back," Hiroshi said, casting one last murderous glance behind him, "with more Ultra action, after this!" ===== >Time to start shilling the PPV! "Weeks in the making." Ranma bashes Marlo with a baseball bat. "Months of suspense and excitement." Gendo stares at the camera as the Shadowlaw logo pulses on a screen behind him. "Concentrated...forged..." Ranma and Marlo rotate around each other in Bullet Time(tm). "Into one SOLID NIGHT of intensity!" Dark Schneider holds up a gleaming Dragon Ball, grinning evilly. "SEVEN FIGHTERS! ONE INCREDIBLE TITLE! IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS!" "ULTRA RAGE GAMMA! IT'S COMING!" Ataru smashed into a turnbuckle right in front of the camera, gasping "URG!!!" >I can't quite understand why more people didn't do this "URGH!" sort of >thing... ===== "WOW what a commercial!" Hiroshi shilled. "UltraRage Gamma will be a slobberknocker!" "I thought that was, like, trademarked or something," Daisuke mused. >Jim Ross says it a lot. Hiroshi threw him an annoyed glanced. "Anyway, we're back with Ultra, and--" Suddenly the distinctive strains of One Winged Angel started to drift from the speakers, prompting a big cheer from the female fans as Hiroshi looked around wildly. "Wait! That's Sephiroth's music! Is he---YES! It's Sephiroth!" Sephiroth walked out from the back and raised his Masamune in salute to the murmuring fans. Under his arm he carried a plastic garbage can, with lid. "Sephiroth is coming down to the ring, carrying a garbage can," Daisuke said. "Hm. IHABFAT." Hiroshi blinked at him. "Huh?" "I Have A Bad Feeling About This." >That's a Star Wars Trading Card Game card. Sephiroth climbed into the ring, dragging the can with him. He set it on the ground and gestured for a mike, which a flunky in a headset promptly handed to him. Looking impassively around the arena, he began to speak. "I have grown tired of losing on this pathetic," his lip curled, "'sports entertainment' show. I did not come here to participate in an endless stream of freak humiliations. I came here to become a GOD!" Sephiroth raised his sword again, and the crowd's murmurs got more pronounced. "...I think I know what you mean, Daisuke," Hiroshi said. "But," Sephiroth continued, "I can be generous as well. From now on, if any of my fellow Omega competitors insist on scoring a pointless little win to make these simpletons cheer for you...I will 'do the job' for you." His eyes glittered. "If you think you can...pay the TRUE price for your victory." >"do the job" is, of course, wrestling slang. And this whole concept was >thought up by Twoflower, as it says in the credits. And then Sephiroth pulled the lid off the garbage can, upended it, and poured out a stream of Mega Man parts. "It seems Mega Man was not quite able to pay the bill," Sephiroth said gleefully over the building outrage of the crowd, "but I hope he enjoys his... 'win', nonetheless!" He tossed his head and looked around at the fans, on their feet...and then disappeared. >Actually, to be honest, I don't really know what the "price" is... "...I don't believe it," Daisuke said, as the crowd howled around him. "It looks like Sephiroth has..." There was a flash of pink light. "One side," Washu said, as she strode up to the ring, climbing between the ropes. "...Washu-sensei!" Hiroshi jolted out of his paralysis and jumped out of his seat, startling Daisuke. "I gotta...Washu-sensei!" >She's still around too. Everyone got that? "Ah ah ah...Washu-CHAN!" Washu said, shaking a finger at Hiroshi as he and a cameraman joined her in the ring. "Now, let's see here..." Machines snaked out of the air, and Washu's fingers danced over the wires, sticking them here, connecting them there... Mega Man's eyes opened. After a moment, they lit up. "...aaaaaahhh...awwwhhh...ahhh, damn! That sucked!" he said. Then he >I can't quite remember if this was a Dogma thing. Was it even out when this >was written? Hm... blinked. "Oh...Washu-sensei. ...What's up?" "Mega Man," Washu said gently, "I have some bad news." Mega Man blinked again...then looked left, right, and down. "Wait a minute...where's my...AAAAAGH! I've been DISEMBODIED!" Washu slapped him, >I think it's obvious that I like puns like that by now... and he blinked again. "Thanks. I needed that." "Don't worry, my boy! I'll have you fixed up in no time!" Washu turned and winked to the camera. "...Thanks, Washu-sensei," Mega Man said. "I owe you. ...Um. But could you turn me off until I'm...you know, together? This feels...weird." The head sort of rocked from side to side uncomfortably. "Sure thing. Say goodnight, Mega Man," she said. "Goodnight, Mega Man," he replied obligingly. A flick of the switch, and his eyes closed again. >It's not old...it's a *classic*! Washu gathered the parts into another dimension, and then stood up, as did Hiroshi and his cameraman. "So...he'll be all right?" Hiroshi asked. "Are you kidding? He'll be better than ever!" Washu grinned. "After all, I am the number one genius scientist in the entire universe!" She turned and posed for the crowd, who cheered madly. "And there you have it!" Hiroshi said to the camera, nearly crying. "Washu-chan saves the day again! ...And we'll be back with more Ultra, right after THIS!" ===== >Commercials here, not that I could think of any. I divided Ultradome scenes >up with commercials and backstage scenes. >Notice that each backstage scene is short and to the point, and all it really >does is fill in some details that make the experience of the part more >interesting. You could read the whole chapter without any of the backstage >scenes, in fact. >I only point this out because I saw a discussion on the MB about backstage >scenes in recent Ultra parts. Back when I wrote this, it wasn't an issue. Kaoru knocked lightly on the door. "Shinji-kun? Can I come in?" "...yeah." The young angel opened the door, and closed it softly behind him. Shinji, slumped in a chair, raised his head and looked dully at Kaoru. "...I noticed you had a problem during the fight," Kaoru said. "...Yeah." Shinji looked down...then looked up again with a bit of light in his eyes. "Kaoru-kun...do you know what went wrong?" Kaoru was silent for a moment. "...Yes, I think I do," he said. "...Well?" The angel sighed. "Do you know what an AT-field is?" Shinji frowned. "It's...well, no." "It's what separates humans into individuals." He turned and took a few steps as if he would start pacing, then looked back at Shinji. "Magnified by the Eva unit, true, but at heart it's the urge to be yourself, to be apart from others." There was silence for a few more moments. "...I...see, I guess," Shinji said. "So...what happened today?" Kaoru smiled, sadly. "Today...you tried to get your friends to join you. It was such a human thing to do...but you were opening your heart to them." Shinji's eyes widened. "You mean...because...I was trying to be together with them...and the AT-field was trying to be apart from them..." "You couldn't do both at once," Kaoru concluded. >Psychology stuff again. Shinji rose. "But that's not fair!" he said. "I have to fight, but I can't abandon Rei and Asuka!" He advanced on Kaoru. "What can I do?" Kaoru shook his head. "I'm sorry, Shinji. I may have already said too much..." "What? Kaoru..." Shinji put his hands on Kaoru's shoulders. "Please! I need to know!" Kaoru suddenly seemed to grow transparent, and faded from view. "I'm sorry..." Shinji let his arms fall. "Kaoru..." ===== "...And we're back once again!" Hiroshi said. "Wow, this Ultra is wearing me out...but we're not done YET! Coming up right now we've got an Omega title defense!" "As you probably recall," Daisuke recapped, "Gally won the Omega belt in the Gauntlet last episode. But now Orochi has finally come out of hiding to challenge for the title." "And this one should be a war!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "So let's GET IT ON!" ===== Gally stepped out of the portal, and looked around. She was in a nameless place on some nameless world somewhere...or maybe just in a back corner of Earth. The terrain was nearly desert...tough, barely-green scrub clung to the ground, and a few lone, twisted trees were visible. Mountains edged the horizon all around, though she stood in the middle of a vast flat plain with the sun beating down harshly. >I couldn't think of a nifty location, so I just went with a basic semi- >desert. Which in her mind translated to: No cover, no weapons, no obstructions, no protection. The fight would be straightforward. Even before the second portal appeared she was facing it in a combat stance. Out stepped a scrawny-looking guy, in a trenchcoat...but his eyes glowed purple, and wisps of energy played around his form. "Ready, [girl]?" the Orochi called, flexing one hand. "Ready," Gally responded, emptying her mind. ===== OMEGA MATCH #3, TITLE BOUT: GALLY vs. OROCHI >This is where I used an essay Damien [Bird] wrote about Gally to figure out a >way for the Orochi to defeat her. What I came up with should be obvious. Orochi rose into the air, wind stirring up dust around him. Gally shifted her eyes to compensate as much as possible, and launched forward. Her first kick was dodged, and she sprang back off the ground, clipping the Orochi with a plasma-encased fist. He spun around in the air, dispersing most of the force of the blow, and flew after her as she flew far back. Cursing the overshot, Gally flipped and landed facing the Orochi again. She threw out a quick flurry of punches and kicks, two of which connected but didn't seem to do much damage, then leaped up as the Orochi floated away from her. >Tense, isn't it? "...And there's TOO MUCH ACTION TO CALL!" Hiroshi yelled, breaking the hush that had fallen over the arena. Daisuke nearly jumped out of his chair. "Damn, Hiroshi, did you find some coffee again?" he gasped, clutching his chest. Gally landed again and surveyed her opponent. She had landed several blows which would have destroyed any human, but while the Orochi's coat was in awful shape, he was still floating serenly, purple flames crisscrossing his form... "Oh, damn," Gally muttered. "Your flames are hot," the Orochi intoned. "But I can withstand them. Can you withstand this?" He threw out his arm, and a huge purple spark hit the ground where Gally had been an instant ago. The Orochi chuckled and flew upward again. "Come on, [worm]! Come up here with me!" >I had this feeling that given the Orochi's mastery over flames, Gally's >plasma attacks wouldn't hurt him much... "The Orochi is using his flight to its full advantage!" Hiroshi said. "It looks like Gally's in trouble!" Gally suddenly flew upward to her opponent again. The two fighters became blurs of black and purple, and then the battle angel fell to the ground again. "I tire of this," the Orochi said. Gally gritted her teeth and jumped again...and then flailed as the air caught her and spun her around. "Do not [trifle] with those who wield the power of the [VOID]!" A huge whirlwind sprang up, dust obscuring the cameras, while purple flashes seared the screen... Then the wind died down. After a moment, Gally hit the ground...with several distinctly separate thumps. "...Not AGAIN!" Hiroshi yelled. Goku appeared on the screen, and the Orochi floated down next to him. "The winner," he said, "the Orochi." He turned to look at the avatar of nihilism. "You've won. Now go." The Orochi raised an eyebrow, then laughed and vanished in a flash of blackness. "...And the Orochi has won the Omega belt," Daisuke said quietly. "With a decisive victory over Gally." >And therefore the second belt. "Daisuke..." Hiroshi slumped in his chair. "I know, Hiroshi. I know. Just remember...Washu-sensei will fix it." Daisuke squeezed his partner's shoulder. Hiroshi sighed. "I know. ...Well. What an incredible victory, by the Orochi! And now--" He blinked and shuffled through his notes. Daisuke rolled his eyes. "And now it's time for our Gamma title defense, featuring Sakura 'Evil' Kasugano vs. Mistaa Satan." "...Oh, yeah!" Hiroshi said, finally finding the page he was looking for. "This oughta be great!" "Unless it's not." Hiroshi glared, and opened his mouth, when strange staticky tones pulsed from the speakers, and black flower petals began to drift into the ring. Suddenly space was ripped apart, and Sakura was in the ring, back in black. "Sakura looks...prepared," Daisuke said. "And evil." "Yeah, well, I thought that was obvious." Hiroshi was about to reply when that funky music played and the newly bald and attitudinal Mr. Satan strode down the ramp. "MR. SATAN!" Hiroshi cheered. "The champion arrives!" Mr. Satan vaulted into the ring and the fighters faced each other. "And this match is ON!" ===== GAMMA MATCH #3, TITLE BOUT: SAKURA vs. MR. SATAN Sakura leaped in and kicked. Mr. Satan took the hit to the shoulder with barely a grunt and made a grab, but Sakura danced back and spun in a roundhouse. This time her foot connected with Satan's jaw, and he fell back. >As far as I know, Mr. Satan is basically a brawny power wrestler. I haven't >seen that far in DBZ, so I don't really know for sure... "Sakura is wasting no time!" Hiroshi said. Mr. Satan rallied and charged forward. Sakura slickly dodged, but he ran past her and bounced off the opposite ropes, coming back-- "..." Sakura grunted, and threw a fireball, engulfing Satan in flames. Then she jumped forward and set off a nasty combo of attacks. "INCREDIBLE!" Hiroshi yelled. "Sakura is demolishing Mr. Satan!" "I guess Mr. Satan's wrestling knowledge isn't helping him," Daisuke noted. "Sakura just seems too fast for him." Mr. Satan fell back, managing to take several attacks on his bulky forearms. He suddenly lunged forward and grabbed Sakura around the throat. Not bothering to try and break his grip, Sakura pounded him on the thighs and abdomen with kicks. The wrestler reeled and tried to throw Sakura across the ring, but she landed on her feet and bounced right back up-- "SHUNPUKYAKU!" >I believe that's her Hurricane Kick-ish move. "I can't believe it!" Hiroshi bleated. "Sakura is--WAIT A MINUTE!" "No minutes, no waiting," Daisuke deadpanned. >That's a reference to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I think that line >might only be in the BBC television series. Great stuff. "Someone's coming down the ramp!" Hiroshi said, ignoring him. "It's... It's DAN!" "OYAJI!" The crowd howled as the pink figure pounded toward the ring. Sakura paused, threw a look over her shoulder...then looked back at her opponent. There was a black blur, and suddenly all that could be seen were flashes of Satan writhing in pain between ominous moments of darkness, as thunderous impacts echoed through the arena. Then, just as suddenly, it was over, and Mr. Satan fell, covered in a shower of black cherry blossoms. Sakura brushed some hair away from her face. >Whoo, tension. I was *on* when I wrote this... "OYAJI!" Dan rolled into the ring and clenched his fist, tears streaming down his face. "I wish to forgive you for these heinous actions, but until you return to us, I cannot! For the honor of Saikyo-ryu!" Suddenly there was another flash of blackness, and Shermie and Yashiro stepped out into the ring. "...Aiiieaaggh!" Hiroshi yelled. "Sakura has beaten Mr. Satan for the belt, and now the Disciples of the Void are in the ring backing her up against Dan's challenge! But--wait! Look!" Two female figures appeared from the back and ran down to the ring. "It's Yohko and Hsien-ko! Sworn to defeat the Orochi, here to help out!" >Cue the huge brawl! Dan jumped at Sakura, but Yashiro intercepted him with a punch. He bounced off the ropes, and Shermie grabbed him and threw him at Sakura, allowing the three to bat him around in the ring until the Ghostbusters jumped inside to engage the Disciples. "And there's CHAOS in the ring!" Hiroshi shouted. "What will--OH GOD NO!" >I know that "OH GOD NO!" is from something, but I can't quite remember >what...I don't *think* Jim Ross says it...hm... There was a flash and a boom, and a bloody figure raised its arms in the ring and howled. "IORI! IORI'S FREE AND IN THE RING!" The four Orochi minions proceeded to explode upon their opponents, basically wiping the floor with them. "HALT!" Yet another girl appeared at the top of the ramp, accompanied by a bunch of little robots...and one big one. Daisuke grabbed Hiroshi and covered his mouth before he could get fatally excited. "It's Tron Bonne!" he yelled into the mike. "The head of security has come to keep order!" >Notice that: Daisuke is keeping Hiroshi from exploding with excitement. "[ENOUGH]!" There was an explosion of blackness and everyone's vision went dark for a moment. When it returned, Dan, Yohko and Hsien-ko were sprawled outside the ring. Standing inside, looking somewhat battered, were Sakura, Shermie, Yashiro, Iori...and the Orochi. "Let this be a [LESSON]!" the Orochi boomed, without need of a mike. "[I] control this spectacle! Your precious belts are in the hands of [my] forces!" At this point he, Shermie, Yashiro and Sakura all raised their championship belts. "And we will get [everything] we desire!" He stared straight into the camera. "Soon enough, [ALL] will return to the [VOID]!" There was another flash of blackness and a howl of dark wind...and the ring was empty. "...I can't...I can't believe what I've just seen!" Hiroshi said, after Daisuke released him. "Orochi and his fighters have the titles of *all three* divisions! Can anyone stop him?" He wiped his brow. "We may find out... after this!" He exhaled, then turned to his partner. "...Thanks, man." "Hey, if you died again, who would I announce with?" >Hiroshi's thanking Daisuke for not letting him get fatally excited. Hiroshi raised an eyebrow. "Maybe Sana-chan's feeling better." "Don't make me reconsider my decision, Hiroshi." ===== Make up your own commercials and imagine them here. It's easy, and it's fun! >At this point it was late and I was pressed for time. I needed *something* to >break up the two scenes, but...no idea what. So...I threw something in. ===== "And now it's time for some ULTRA-VIIIIIIOLENCE!" The crowd, though somewhat in shock from the last match, managed to field a respectable pop as Jack walked down the entrance ramp. "Oh, hell yeah!" he yelled. "Let's give it up! Come on down, you wacky competitors! Hiroshi, darn it, do your job!" >Jack is sorta doing Road Dogg here. (A WWF wrestler.) Hiroshi blinked, and squinted at the prompter. "Uh...yeah! Introducing, for our Hardcore matchup...first, the challenger, Wolverine!" Wolverine appeared at the top of the ramp, growling and snarling for the crowd, as Controversial Jack seated himself beside Hiroshi. "Hey, boss," Daisuke said. "How's it going?" >I believe I was thinking of Vince McMahon coming down to announce with Jim >Ross and the King. Of course, Vince was in fact an announcer for many years. "It's going CONTROVERSIALLY!" Jack said. "THANK YOU for asking, Daisuke!" >Incidentally, I've read this chapter aloud, just myself in my room...Well, >maybe not this whole chapter, but this final scene. It's LOTS of fun. "SQUEAK!" "Please, Mr. Duck, not in public. But anyway! Go on, Hiroshi!" He prodded the announcer. >What did Mr. Duck say? I don't know, you tell me. "Uh, right, and the champ--ow! The champion of the Hardcore Division... >See, Jack's prodding him. LILITH AENSLAND!" Lilith bounced down toward the ring, waving to the cheering fans. "This is, once again, a Hardcore match," Daisuke noted, "for the Hardcore Championship belt! So let the match..." "NOT SO FAST!" Daisuke, Hiroshi, Wolverine, Lilith, and in fact all the fans turned to look at Jack as he stood up behind the announce table. He grinned every which way, and said, "This is no ordinary match! I wanted something a bit more Controversial for our Ultra main event tonight, sooooo...This is now the HALLOWEEN HARDCORE BRAWL!!!" The crowd cheered expectantly, as the fighters exchanged looks. "Uhoh," Daisuke muttered. "And the rules of a Halloween Hardcore brawl are quite simple!" Jack said. "It's just like a regular Hardcore Brawl! ANYONE can come in to fight, and ANYONE can win! Sorry, Wolvie, Lil-chan, but we've had ENOUGH one on one for tonight! The last person standing gets...THAT AWESOME BELT!" He broke off and basked in the applause. "...So what makes it a Halloween Hardcore Brawl?" Hiroshi asked. "I'M GLAD YOU ASKED!!!" Jack screamed. "Since this is Halloween Hardcore >See, *almost* a catchphrase... night, filled with the spirit of ghosts and ghouls and candy and dark things and other nutty stuff like that..." He paused for a tiny moment. "EVERYONE who wants to fight in the Brawl...MUST BE IN COSTUME!" And there was much rejoicing. (yaaay.) >See, the whole point is to imply that since Hiroshi is in costume, he might >get involved in the match. This stipulation and the announcers being in >costume, those ideas developed concurrently. (Twoflower thought up the >costumes...he didn't think up the *idea* of being in costume.) Hiroshi blinked. "What the hell?" Daisuke said, and then "Oh, brilliant, sir, just wild!" as Jack turned to glare at him. And then Jack tilted his head back. "If ya SMEEEEEEELLALALALALALA...what CONTROVERSIAL JACK..." He looked at the camera and raised one eyebrow. "...is booking." >Parody of the Rock, duh. ^_^; Then he sat down and the bell rang. ===== HALLOWEEN HARDCORE BRAWL: WOLVERINE vs. LILITH vs. ...? Lilith immediately *poofed* magically, and was suddenly wearing a cute lil' schoolgirl sailor fuku. She winked and waved to the cameras and cheering lolicon fans, then grinned at her opponent. >Lolicon meaning, uh, Lolita Complex. I'm serious. "Well, Wolvie-kun, it looks like you can't fight without a costume!" "I don't think so!" Wolverine growled. "I'm always in costume! Come on!" "Ah ah ah ah," Jack scolded from behind the announcer's table. "The idea is to get people into silly getups! You always wear that fashion disaster! Go find something else or you can't fight!" Wolverine turned to glare at him. Then...he turned, jumped out of the ring, and ran into the back. >The point being, you have to dress up as something. "Well...I guess if no one else shows up," Daisuke said, "Lilith retains the title by default." "Oh, come on!" Jack scoffed. "Where's the fun in that! HEY! GET OUT HERE, YOU WIMPS!" he yelled into his mike. Lilith walked to the ropes and waved to the table. "Hi Jack-sama! Hi Hiro-kun!" She winked. "How do I look?" Jack gave a thumbs up, and Daisuke nudged his partner. "I think the lady asked you a question." Hiroshi started, and glared to his left. Daisuke grinned. "Well, hell!" Jack said. "I guess we'll have to declare the winner to be--" "AAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEAARGGHHH!" Nasty-sounding squeals of music emanated from the speakers. "...Oh no, not another Orochi entrance!" Hiroshi wailed. "...Oh, wait, it's..." Daisuke broke out laughing. "It's Shingo!" he gasped. Shingo raised his arms at the top of the ramp and howled as best he could, dressed in an outfit that looked to be stolen right from Iori's dressing room, complete with trailing strap-things and bloodstained front. Then he grinned and walked down the ramp, waving to the fans. "Shingo! Dressed as Iori!" Hiroshi crowed. "Hey, cool costume! I give it two thumbs up!" Jack held two thumbs up. "Now let's see some VIOLENCE!" Shingo vaulted in the ring and looked at Lilith. Lilith smiled and waved. Shingo smiled back...then ran forward. "STEAMING DEMON!" >This is a random parody of Iori's "Burning Demon" move. It was intended as a >throwaway joke. Lilith dodged. "SOUL FIST!" "And the battle is underway!" Hiroshi said. "Hey, this is just like a Gamma match!" Jack snapped. "Guess I'll have to help. Hey, morons! CATCH!" Jack grabbed a chair and threw it into the ring. With a loud CLANG, it...impacted with Shingo's skull. "Whoops, my bad." >Now, watch closely: No real action is described besides the initial flurry of >attacks and the chair hitting Shingo. "...uh...Shingo is...down!" Hiroshi said. "But--wait! Here comes Wolverine again!" Wolverine appeared at the top of the ramp wearing an eyepatch and a striped shirt. "...uh...what the heck is he?" "Yo ho ho, bub!" Wolverine snapped, and vaulted in to engage Lilith. "Now where were we? >He's a pirate, of course... Lilith giggled. "Right about here!" And she threw a Soul Fist. "All-around poor costume by Wolverine," Jack said. "I give him three thumbs down, but I guess he can compete, since he made the effort." "...Jack-sama, could you let go of my thumb?" Daisuke asked. >Three thumbs down, so he borrows Daisuke's... In the ring, Wolverine did what he did best: he charged, slashing. Lilith danced back and slipped away, and Wolverine shredded the ropes, then spun to block a fireball and trade punches with the diminutive succubus. Then some nifty techno-Chinese-ish music started up. "And another competitor comes out!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "Who is...It can't be! CHUN LI?!?" >I believe someone mentioned they thought I was actually introducing Chun Li >for a moment. I found that quite amusing. ^_^ A woman in a familiar blue outfit and hair-covers posed at the top of the ramp, kicking...only the hair was green. "No, it's Morrigan!" Daisuke said. "Morrigan dressed as Chun Li!" >This is inspired by the weird little cut-scenes in Puzzle Fighter... Jack put his fingers to his mouth and whistled. "Oh yeah, baby! Great job! Two thumbs and lots of other stuff up!" >I *really* hope I don't have to spell this one out... "SQUEAK!" "And a beak too!" Morrigan blew the announce table a kiss, and jetted toward the ring. "What a--" Hiroshi checked his Sheet-O-Wrestling-Cliches--"volatile situation! Morrigan and Lilith, Team Aensland, in the ring with Wolverine, and Shingo may not even be out yet!" >I absolutely love that joke, especially since Jim Ross says "volatile >situation" so often...^_^ Morrigan landed in the ring. Lilith and Wolverine back away from each other and looked at her. >Missed a couple of letters there... "Come on, sister," Morrigan said. "Let's take this guy out and then, if you want, we can compete for the belt." Wolverine growled and slashed his claws together. "You'll never become a fighter like that, kid!" Lilith looked uncertainly between the two. "It seems like Lilith doesn't know what to do!" Hiroshi said. "Maybe she's got you on her mind," Daisuke snickered. Hiroshi blanched. Suddenly Lilith frowned (cutely). "No! I can do this myself, oneechan!" she proclaimed. "I wanna be hardcore on my own!" She picked up the chair, and she and Wolverine jumped at the larger sex demon. >Lilith cements her face role. "INCREDIBLE!" Hiroshi yelled. "Lilith has ATTACKED Morrigan, with the help of Wolverine! What could possibly happen next?!?" >That's one of those questions you just don't ask. At that moment the Pokemon theme music started up, prompting a big cheer from the crowd and a big groan from Daisuke. "You *had* to ask, didn't you?" he asked his partner. Hiroshi rubbed his head nervously. Out came a young man with blond hair, in jeans, jacket and cap, with a bit of cloth tied around one eye. He waved to the crowd, and then a big green guy walked about behind him, raised his arms, and roared. "It's Bart and Blanka!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "No, it's Bart and *Rico*," Daisuke corrected. "They look a lot alike, but it's Team Fatima dressed as Ash and Blanka." "Lame," Jack sniffed. "But allowable. Half a thumb up." He pulled a meat cleaver from somewhere and brought it down on the announcer's table with a THWOCK! "AAAAAAGHH!" "Relax, Hiroshi!" Jack chuckled. "I wouldn't *really* cut your thumb off! At least not until I figure out how to make them grow back." "...Yeah, thanks," Hiroshi said, shivering. Jack looked over at Daisuke. "Has he found some coffee?" "Could be, he's been like this all night," Daisuke said. "But back to the action...It seems as though Wolverine and Morrigan are the main conflict, with Bart, Rico and Lilith around the fringes of the action. Oh, and Shingo is being trampled underfoot." >Notice again how not much action is really described for a while. Instead the >announcers summarize it. >I keep calling attention to this because I think in this chapter I got it >working really well... Wolverine and Morrigan danced back and forth, trading attacks. Rico suddenly lunged forward and punched Wolverine in the back, making him stumble into a flying uppercut wingblade by Morrigan, which blasted him right over to Bart for a chair to the face. "WHOA!" Hiroshi whoaed. "Wolverine, not surprisingly, seems to have been judged the most dangerous, and is TRIPLE-TEAMED into oblivion!" While Bart was laughing over the prone mutant, Rico grabbed him from behind and threw him bodily over the ropes into the announce table, which broke in half. "YEEEAAAAHHH!" Jack screamed, jumping out of his seat, and the crowd screamed with him. "THAT'S hardcore! ECW! ECW!" He pulled some lighter fluid out of a pocket and began to squirt it over the moaning prince. >ECW is known for having people crash through flaming tables. Or something. "...Uh...Jack-sama," Daisuke said. "I think you're supposed to light the table *before* they crash into it." "...Really?...Oh well." Jack waved his hands irritably and some Lego-men started to drag Bart away. When he was clear, he waved his hands and the table was repaired. "So, what's going on now?" >Okay, so the "What's going on now?" was maybe just a little unsubtle... "It looks like Rico and Lilith are attacking Morrigan," Daisuke said. Morrigan was actually looking hurt, as Rico's power attacks and Lilith's fast strikes wore her down. With a surprisingly agile leg sweep from Rico, Morrigan fell, and Lilith stood over her and laughed...leaving her open for a chair shot from behind. "Rico DOUBLE-CROSSES Lilith!" Hiroshi yelled, with almost an edge of fear in his voice. Daisuke blinked and peered at his partner. "Oh yeah! Controversial, baby!" Jack cheered. He threw a couple more chairs into the ring, but they were largely ignored as Lilith stood up...eyes blazing. "...You MEANIE!" she yelled. "GLOOMY PUPPET SHOW!" And suddenly Rico was on a little stage. "It's sexual, baby," he growled. He rotated his arms and sort of ground his hips. "And I wanna give it all to you. All right." >The Gloomy Puppet Show is this thing where Lilith puts her opponent on a >stage and makes them dance or something. It's hard to explain, read an FAQ... >Rico is imitating Mark Henry, "Sexual Chocolate", who at the time of this >Exposed writing, has been relegated to the Ohio Valley Wrestling Association >for more training before he appears on WWF TV again. Then he fell over. "...the winner!" Daisuke said, after he closed his mouth. "And...still Hardcore Champion! Lilith!" Lilith bouncied. "Wai! I'm hardcore!" She ran over to one side of the >I believe this was picked up as a catchphrase, which I think is cool. ring and waved to the insanely loud fans, then ran back to the side with the announcer's table. "Wai! Hiro-kun, I won!" She blew a kiss. "You stud, you," Daisuke said, nudging Hiroshi. Then he blinked as his partner stood up...and picked up his chair. >Oh no! Is Hiroshi going to try for the belt himself? Lilith blinked. "Hiro-kun?...Waah!" As Hiroshi threw his chair, she ducked, and it flew past her to bounce off Morrigan's shoulder. Lilith immediately spun and gasped...then gritted her teeth. "GLOOMY PUPPET SHOW!" Morrigan immediately wrapped her arms around her torso. "Eeeeee! Oh, how can I be wearing this?" she exclaimed in a falsetto. "I feel so EXPOSED!" >I was actually a bit pressed for inspiration there, so I did a random thing >that was supposed to be exactly opposite Morrigan's character. I think it >worked okay... Daisuke and Jack cracked up as Morrigan fell over. Then Jack turned to Hiroshi with a gleam in his eye. "Why, Hiroshi-san. You're in costume too. Does that mean you'd like to be in this match?" Hiroshi blinked, and looked at Jack, and a big sweatdrop appeared on his head. "No! No, I forfeit!" he stammered, waving his arms. >The point is that Hiroshi really *was* in the match. He joined with that >chair shot. Except that he then forfeited, so Lilith won. "...Hiro-kun...HIRO-KUN! WAI!" Lilith jumped out of the ring and GLOMPED onto Hiroshi. "You helped me win the belt! I'm so HAPPY!!!" "...Daisuke! Help!" Hiroshi cried. "Then the winner is Lilith-chan!" Jack exclaimed, handing her the belt. Daisuke shook his head, as Karin ran out to check on Shingo. "Oh, man. ...Hm. Actually, I think we ran over." He looked into the camera. "That's >Yeah, I kinda ran over what I thought I'd write... all the time we have tonight, I'll see you next Ultra. For me and Hiroshi, this is Daisuke saying...so long!" ===== Washu looked at the table holding Mega Man parts. Then she looked at the one holding Ifurita parts. Then she looked at the one holding Gally parts. Washu sighed. It was going to be a long night. >One last little finishing scene... ===== ][ ULTRA EPISODE #26 RECAP: ][ JOHNNY CAGE def. KEN (w/help from SOFIA), now 1/5 ][ KEN KIDNAPPED by PSYCHO SOLDIERS ][ HAOHMARU and KUNO def. MAI and ANDY, now 3/0 ][ RANMA has new ENTRANCE MUSIC ][ MARLO def. RANMA (w/help from MORRIGAN), now 3/1 ][ CONTROVERSIAL JACK walks in on JESSE and JAMES >See that? ][ TEAM ROCKET def. ASH and MISTY (w/help from MUKUMUKU), now 3/3 ][ if you can READ THIS, you DON'T need GLASSES >See *that*? ][ REI and ASUKA def. SHINJI and IFURITA, now 2/1 and 3/3 RESPECTIVELY ][ XELLOSS hijacks the CONTROVERSIALTRON ][ NAGA finds no DRAGON BALL this chapter ][ PIKACHU and BLANKA def. TEAM HENTAI in a TRICK OR TREAT MATCH, now 1/1 ][ JAR JAR BINKS STOMPED into the GROUND >And that? ][ PIKACHU and DARCHU punk TEAM ROCKET backstage (no status change) ][ Shadowlaw Crime of the Week: KEN KIDNAPPED ][ MEGA MAN is 'jobbed to' by SEPHIROTH, now 3/0 ][ SHERMIE and YASHIRO def. TIFA and BEAN to win LAMBDA BELT (w/ help from JTV), now 2/1 ][ BRACKETS presumably used to mean SEASON TWO >Is that what they mean? ][ SEPHIROTH SLICES and DICES MEGA MAN (no status change) ][ SHINJI has TROUBLE with AT-FIELDS ][ OROCHI def. GALLY for OMEGA BELT, now 2/3 ][ EVIL SAKURA def. MR. SATAN for GAMMA BELT, now 7/2 ][ OROCHI taunts FACES >Taunt taunt taunt... ][ LILITH wins HALLOWEEN HARDCORE BRAWL to RETAIN HARDCORE BELT, now 3/0 ][ NEXT SCHEDULED AUTHOR: Ilmater ===== Author's note: Damn, that was fun. >When I was writing it, it was. Afterwards, though...well, that's in the past. Lots of people to thank. First, 2F, for being such a cool guy. And for writing the really nifty "Xelloss hijacks the video screen" scene. And, much as I would love to take credit for it, coming up with the "Sephiroth jobs to Mega Man idea" (yes, the whole chopping up bit and everything). And just basically giving nifty suggestions. Also, I'd like to thank Damien Roc for his Gally essay which I twisted to evil purposes, and also his idea for Rei's "we shall have fun eating ice cream" line. And also some people on #improfanfic whose names I forgot...or maybe the same person: I got the Nerf commercial idea and the "audience chants along with Team Rocket" idea from there. Sorry, whoever you are, they're awesome ideas. And finally, I'd like >Unfortunately, I just can't remember who that was... to apologize to my dermatologist, Dr. Schneiderman, for using his name in this story. There were also a whole bunch of reference to other stuff (mainly WWF) but I'm not going to go through them all, sorry... >Well, actually, I kinda went through them all...ah well. Thank you. John Evans, jevans@datablast.net Beware the Radish >As mentioned, that's not my correct email address. >And there was no date on this chapter. Hm. I wonder when I started putting in >dates...it was just around Halloween 1999, though. >That's all for that one, then.