>Ultra #5 Exposed! By John Evans, jevans@alum.mit.edu. >>Updated 12/23/05 by John Evans, again. Because the first one was outdated. >>Notice that the older comments have one > sign and the newer have two. >Beware the Radish >http://www.chaoseed.com/btr/ >>This is now: http://www.chaoseed.com/btr/ NOTE: All names in this story are in 'Western' order...personal name first, family name second...with two exceptions: 1) Norikazu, and 2) anywhere I screwed up. >More about Norikazu later in the story. ===== Sakura looked in the mirror, and tugged on her headband. "A bit like this...no, wait...ack! The ends are uneven! I have to retie it..." Muttering to herself, she untied and then carefully retied the white cloth strip, looking back and forth between the mirror and a large poster of Ryu as she did so. There was a knock at the door. "Ano, Kasugano-san?" "Yes, what is it?" she called, frowning in concentration. "Package for you!" Sakura sighed, and finished tying. "All right, just a minute..." She walked to the door, and opened it to find a young gaijin guy with a ponytail and small goatee, wearing an Ultra staff uniform. He grinned and held out a box. It was the flat kind clothes often came in. >I couldn't resist. This messenger guy? He's me. Young gaijin guy with a >ponytail and small goatee, a concise description of what I look like... >>Yep, shameless self-insertion. I really don't know why I did this. The >>thing is, this was in the very early stages of Ultra. A lot of stuff wasn't, >>shall we say, set in stone. Basically I was trying stuff to see what worked. Sakura frowned. "What's this?" "I dunno. Apparently, it arrived anonymously." "What if it's a bomb or something?" "Security already went through it, they say it's safe." Sakura stared. "They *went through it*?" A small sweatdrop broke out on the messenger's head. "They didn't read the letter or anything..." Sakura sighed. "Well...I guess it couldn't be helped." She took the package and peered at it. "No return address or anything..." >>Well, would you like someone checking YOUR mail? "Yeah. Well, good luck on your match tonight!" He bowed and walked off down the hall. "...Oh...uh, thanks!" Sakura called after him, and closed the door. There was a letter attached to the front of the package, obviously meant to be read before looking inside... Dearest Sakura: I have watched you from afar, for so long; your grace and beauty are incomparable. I first learned of you watching the Beta tournament; it tore my heart when you were defeated by that 'Ukyou' person. But I was overjoyed when I heard that you weren't letting your defeat get you down, and had entered the new Ultra tournament. I cheered myself hoarse when you defeated that boor Kunou, and I look forward to the day you are the Gamma Division Champion. I also look forward to meeting you, and...but that can wait. Maybe you'll think it too forward of me, but this package is a gift for you; I hope you will appreciate it. If not, I hope you will not look too poorly on me... --Your Secret Admirer >To tell the truth, I really had no idea who wrote this letter. I figured some >later author would specify it. Although nobody has seemed to have touched >it...However, I *did* think it was actually some person sincerely writing >this letter, and it wasn't just a big hoax on Kasumi's part. >>Yes, to my knowledge nobody ever took up this thread. Sakura sat for a while after reading the letter...her face rather red. This was a new experience for her. Only last week, David had expressed his feelings for her...tentatively. And that was pretty much the extent of her actual romantic experience. (Whatever private thoughts she might or night not have about Ryu notwithstanding...) But this...the letter was at once explicit and suggestive. Sakura put her hands to her cheeks... Then she looked in the box. >>Yes, lots of ellipses. I'm afraid it's a habit of mine. It's gotten slightly >>better over the years... ===== David raised his hand to knock on the door to Sakura's room...then paused. His acute senses were picking up the sounds of yelling and crashing inside the room. Since the sounds reminded him of what had happened between him and Sakura two weeks ago, David decided to forego wishing Sakura luck for the night, and went back to his dressing room to get ready. >More on the contents of the box later. ===== "Thank you for taking the time out to deliver that," Kasumi said, smiling softly. "Anything for you, Kasumi." >I think mainly I put this in so people wouldn't bring the messenger guy back >and say *he* was the one who wrote the letter and stuff. And, of course, >if Kasumi wants it delivered anonymously, no one will question that... >>...not that it seemed to matter anyway. ===== LIVE! FROM THE ULTRADOME! THE BIGGEST SPECTACLE IN ANIME AND VIDEO GAME SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT AND IMPROFANFIC! IT'S TIME FOR... { M A G I C A L C R O S S O V E R } { F I G H T I N G F E D E R A T I O N } { .-----------. } { | U-L-T-R-A | } { `-----------' } { http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic } Episode 5 : Tuesday Night CHAOS!!! Written by John Evans (jevans@datablast.net) Ultra started by Stefan Gagne >That's my old email address, my current one is up at the top of this fic... >And the old ImproFanfic URL, the current one is http://www.improfanfic.com/ >>By the way, check out the logo; it says 'Magical Crossover Fighting >>Federation Ultra'... ===== Malcom McDowell's voice rolled out from the Ultradome speakers. "Ready for a bit of the old...ultra-violence?" >I actually looked on the IMDB entry for Clockwork Orange to get the exact >wording on this quote. (obsessive? me? nah...) "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!" Hiroshi yelled into his mike. "And welcome to this week's edition of Magical Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting Federation ULTRAAAAAAAAA!!!" >>...however, the title of the story always had 'Troubleshooting' somewhere >>in it. More on this topic with Ultra #27 Exposed!. A massive cheer shook the walls of the Ultradome. Daisuke suppressed a yawn. "We've got a great show for you tonight!" Hiroshi continued, lapping up the applause like spilled Yoo-hoo. "But first, a few words from our wonderfully divine sponsor...KASUMI TENDO!" 'My Heart Iidasenai' began to play over the speakers, and an even more massive cheer rolled through the Dome as Kasumi strolled down the walkway to the ring. She smiled warmly at the legions of fans, many of whom were holding up signs with legends like 'OH MY GODDESS!' and 'KASUMI 1:1'. (The Japanese fans had picked up on that sort of thing after watching the Ultra broadcast from America last week.) >In #4 Ultra went on the road to the US. And I'd rented King of the Ring 1998 >for research for this chapter (as I say in the credits section), and I >thought the whole sign thing had a whole lot of potential... >>Oh yeah, I was also a wrestling newbie at this point. Yep. "When you get a >>new hammer, everything looks like a nail." Still, least it was in keeping >>with the style of the story. >>Also in this vein, I gave everyone theme music. 'My Heart Iidasenai' is the >>theme to the Oh My Goddess! OAV series. I like the song and I think it's a >>good fit for Kasumi. Plus, Inoue Kikuko voices both Kasumi and Belldandy... >>and sings the song (along with Hisakawa Aya (Skuld) and Touma Yumi (Urd)). Kasumi reached the edge of the ring and ducked between the ropes, then took a microphone from one of the turnbuckles. "Minna-san...Konban wa!" She smiled at the wave of cheers, and held up her hand. When the applause died down, she continued. "We've got an exciting show for you tonight, and I hope you'll all enjoy it. You may notice that we're trying a few new things this week, but I assure you that it's only to make things more entertaining. Now...is everyone ready to have *fun*?" The loudest cheer yet resounded through the stadium. Kasumi beamed. It was so nice how everyone seemed to enjoy this competition... ===== Washu wiped her brow. It was almost done. Then they'd see...they see who was *really* the universe's number one genius scientist. She put her hand to her mouth and allowed herself a laugh. "OOOOOHOHOHOHO!!!" >I wasn't using Washu, but I wanted to at least remind people she was around. ===== "Now, before we get started with tonight's matches," Kasumi continued, "I wanted to point out a couple of new features. First, there are emergency exits in the back of the Dome, two on each side," she pointed at the exits and little signs over them glowed, "and if something really messy happens your seat cushions can be used as flotation devices. And one other thing: I don't want to see any of you leaving any trash on the floor!" She waggled a finger admonishingly. >Yes, this was inspired by airline stewardesses. I still don't know how I got >the idea of having Kasumi say it, but...it worked well, I think. >>Once again, this is the "throw it against the wall and see if it sticks" >>theory. "You can take Kasumi out of the home, but you can't take the home out of Kasumi," Daisuke muttered to himself. "Now, for the first of our improvements, we now have a ringside pit orchestra!" Spotlights picked out a full orchestra situated on one side of the ring. This was odd enough in itself, but upon closer inspection it became clear that all the 'musicians' in the orchestra were actually humanoid robots. >This is the orchestra from the Robot Carnival Opening. I really, really like >Robot Carnival. As is probably apparent if you've read the whole chapter... >>Yes, I AM a Robot Carnival fanboy. There was some scattered applause, and puzzled murmurs. Kasumi blinked. Well, they'd see how entertaining it was soon enough. "Well, minna-san, I know you came here to see some exciting, friendly competition..." Another wave of cheers started. "So, everyone...enjoy!" Kasumi left the ring and walked backstage, to thunderous applause. "Kasumi Tendo, ladies and gentlemen, give her a hand!" Hiroshi shouted. "They are, Hiroshi." "Well, she deserves even MORE! WOOHOO!" Daisuke sighed. "Anyway, we have lots of great stuff for you tonight. No less than--" "DAIsuke!" Hiroshi exclaimed. Daisuke blinked. "Nani?" "You're not building up to it right!" "All right, fine. You do it." "All right, I WILL!" Hiroshi stared into the camera intensely. "Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you to Tuesday Night CHAOS!!!" Once again, the announcers were nearly deafened by the audience's reaction. Daisuke covered the mike with his hand. "What's so chaotic about Tuesday Night?" he muttered to Hiroshi. "Well, come on, we had to call it *something*!" "Ah." >Actually, I kinda like the way 'Tuesday Night CHAOS!!!' sounds. >>You need to say it like it was on a monster truck commercial. "That's right fans and friends," Hiroshi continued at his customary volume level, "Tuesday, named for the Scandinavian god Tiw, bringer of victory in battle!" >This is true. At least, in English it is. But most days you can say something >like that...Wednesday, named for Woden, god of death and madness...etc.... >>I like Norse mythology. One might even say I was a Norse mythology fanboy. Daisuke rolled his eyes. "Getting back to the show...we have no less than *eight* matches in store for you tonight, with title defenses in all three divisions." "YES!" Hiroshi cried. "Exhibition matches, grudge matches, a FLAMING STEEL CAGE MATCH, and maybe even a surprise or three! PLUS! The debut of an astonishing new fighter! I know all you guys out there will love her because, and I'm not making this up, she FIGHTS...TOTALLY...NAKED!!!" An explosion of cheers from about half the audience met this announcement. Daisuke took the opportunity to cover the mike again. "Are you sure about that? This does sort of have to be a family show..." Hiroshi shrugged. "Kasumi-sama told me specifically, in those exact words. Totally naked." The two announcers paused as the words 'Kasumi' and 'naked' floated through their minds, then they simultaneously shivered and decided not to go there. >That's still one of my favorite jokes. ^_^ "Anyway," Hiroshi said, recovering, "Let's get this show on the road, and go to our new ring announcer, Touga Kiryu, for our first Gamma Division match!" "Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the first fight of the evening," Touga called, flashing his bishounen smile around the arena. Wild applause and lots of squeals from young girls answered him. >Touga's from Revolutionary Girl Utena. He's a star Duelist (i.e. sword >fighter), is very attractive and bishounen, and is something of a 'player'. >>I thought it would be cool to introduce more ring crew, support characters, >>that sort of thing. And I'm also something of an Utena fanboy. Now it was Hiroshi's turn to cover his mike and turn to his partner. "Does something about that guy's voice seem familiar to you?" Daisuke only shrugged. >He's also voiced by Koyasu Takehito, the same guy that voices Daisuke. >>I'm also something of a Koyasu Takehito fanboy. "And now, it is my pleasure to introduce our first two competitors!" "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC began to play over the speakers. "First, from right here in Tokyo, the rising star of the high school fencing world...the Blue Thunder, TATEWAKI KUNOOOOOOOO!" >>Oh boy did I scour the net in an attempt to find a good song. Not that I've >>ever actually HEARD it, but at least the title fit. Kunou appeared at the top of the walkway, his wooden sword held high, and started to walk slowly toward the ring. A fair amount of applause and cheering met his entrance. Suddenly the robot pit orchestra swung into motion. As the conductor waved its baton, the musicians played along with AC/DC. After two bars, fireworks started to shoot from the instruments, to explode over the ring in thunderous blue explosions. >Thunderous? Blue? Blue Thunder? Get it, eh?... >Also note that in Robot Carnival, the robot orchestra shoots explosives out >of their instruments. I figured it wasn't much of a stretch to have them >shoot fireworks. The crowd went wild. Kunou stepped between the ropes and into the ring. He held his bokken over his head and turned in place. Somewhere in the back of the arena, a bunch of guys started chanting "THUNDER! THUNDER! THUNDER!". Kuno waved the bokken in their direction, redoubling the applause. >>Oh man, that's gotta be from watching WWF tapes. "And his opponent," Touga continued when the applause had quieted a bit, "From Venice, California, the star of innumerable martial arts movies..." 'Prepare Yourself' began to play over the speakers, with the vocals turned down so they wouldn't intrude on Touga's narration. "...The movie star with the Iron Fist...JOHNNY CAGE!" >>Twoflower and I share some common roots in Mortal Kombat fandom. He was, of >>course, the creator of...*dun dun DAH* PONG KOMBAAAAAT! (Seriously, it was a >>a dead-on parody and a pretty fun game.) Johnny Cage strode down the walkway in his ever-so-cool shades, smiling and waving. A loud mix of cheers and boos greeted him. The robot orchestra launched green and white balls that hung in the air for several seconds, mimicking Cage's ki projectiles. >>This is all fictional anyway so why not go all out in describing weird >>little effects like that? At least they don't all hate me, Cage thought to himself. He entered the ring and waved to all corners of the arena, then looked to size up his opponent, who was staring at him grimly. Suddenly a snappy hip- hop beat started to play, and the competitors looked around in confusion. o/~ Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin, I came to win, battle me that's a sin. I won't ever slack up, punk you better back up. Try and play the role and yo the whole crew'll act up... o/~ "And now I'm proud to introduce our referee for the Gamma and Lambda matches tonight," Touga yelled into his mike. o/~ If you've got the feeling, jump and touch the ceiling. Muggs lets the funk flow, someone's talkin' junk, yo, I'll bust him in the eye and then I'll take the punks home. o/~ "A veteran of the Magical Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting Tournament Beta, and beloved star of dozens of video games..." o/~ I came to get down! I came to get down! So get out your seats and JUMP AROUND! o/~ "From the Mushroom Kingdom, please welcome MARIO!!!" Mario appeared and bounced down the walkway to the beat. o/~ Jump around! Jump around! Jump around! Jump up, jump up and get down! o/~ >Yes, I do have a weakness for puns. ^_^; The crowd went insane. Almost all of them were, as will probably come as no surprise, jumping around. Mario reached the ring and took the mike from Touga. "Hello-a, Tokyo!" he called out in his quaint Italian accent. The audience roared. "I'm-a very happy to-a be here...but, since I'm-a only the referee, I won't make you-a listen to me talk. So on-a with the match!" Mario returned the mike to Touga and took up a position near the side of the ring, waving to the crowd. >>The accent's IC. Really. "The following match is scheduled for one fall with a thirty minute time limit!" Touga yelled. "And now...let the match BEGIN!" He vaulted neatly over the ropes, leaving the fighters and referee alone. >There's this one Utena scene where Touga is in a boxing ring, and he vaults >over the ropes onto the ground. That one bit kept sticking in my head, so I >kept having him vault over the ropes... Cage took off his shades and stowed them in a pocket, then adopted a battle stance. "Let's dance!" "As these fighters both have 0-1 records," Daisuke noted, "the defeated warrior will gain the title of 'Biggest Loser in Ultra'!" Both fighters fell face first onto the mat, twitching. ===== KUNOU VS. JOHNNY CAGE. GAMMA MATCH 1...FIGHT! >You'll notice that that 'match title' right there isn't like the other ones >in this story. That's because Johnny Cage's presence makes this match more >Mortal Kombat-ish. Kunou was the first to recover, being much more used to facefaulting than the American. "Beware, knave," he proclaimed, "for the vengeance of the Blue Thunder is swift and sure!" Kunou thrust several times in quick succession, but all his thrusts were deflected. "Ha! You're about as good with a sword as Chee Hong...and I kicked his ass in the first half hour of Iron Fist II!" Cage taunted. He leapt over Kunou's sword with a jump kick, but Kunou danced back and kept his distance. >Chee Hong is just a name I made up. I wanted some way for Cage to taunt >Kunou, but...not one of my best lines, I guess. >>Translation: Damn, that was bad, why did I write it? Oh yeah, 'cause I was >>fairly new to this whole writing thing. Yep. "And yet, outside your movie sets, your skills are sadly lacking!" Kunou yelled back, lunging in with a side strike which Cage blocked with a forearm. "See Cage wince there?" Daisuke put in. "Kunou's training lets him put a lot of power behind those swings." >See how Daisuke gives information without me having to describe every little >detail? It's an important skill for writing an Ultra chapter. >>More on this (WAY more) in Ultra #27 Exposed!. Suddenly Cage dodged to the side of a thrust and lunged forward, connecting with a punch to Kunou's shoulder. Kunou jumped back in what was almost a stagger, the tip of his bokken weaving. "Go back to school, kid!" Cage yelled, grinning. "Wow! What a battle of egos!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "I haven't seen this many taunts since Dan fought his own clone!" "The fighters are still feeling each other out, gauging their relative capabilities," Daisuke noted. "You'll notice that Kunou has a reach advantage with his bokken, but has trouble defending in close. This match could go either way!" The two fighters stared grimly at each other, Mario still watching them closely. Then Kunou let out a battle cry and pulled his bokken back to swing. But Cage rushed in-- "Too SLOW!" Hiroshi yelled. "It looks like Kunou's--" "THUNDERSTRIKE!" The aura of electricity built up around Kunou and flew forward, incidentally through Johnny Cage on its way. >That's basically from the first Ranma Super Famicom game... >>...which I own, and played on my SNES. Pretty fun. Kunou is not a pushover >>in that game. However, I don't think Kunou says "Thunderstrike". He might >>say something in Japanese, but don't quote me on that. "Oh my GODDESS!" Hiroshi screamed. "An incredible bluff on the part of Kunou! But Cage is getting back up...what will Kunou do now?" >Hiroshi always goes 'Oh my GODDESS' through this chapter...because of >Kasumi, of course. Touga grinned to himself. This was the 'rising star' of the high school fencing world? He wouldn't last five minutes as a Duelist... >Actually, that might not be true. Hard to say, since Utena is more dramatic >than Ranma. But it's a good demonstration of Touga's character. >>Unfortunately it really doesn't matter, because he wasn't actually a "real" >>character. I just now realized how blatantly I sidestepped the "one new >>character" rule...I mean it was really "one new fighter", but looking back >>I kind of doubt I was following the spirit of the rule. >>Oh well, I don't think it mattered in the end, 'cause very rarely did other >>people pick up on the characters I introduced. "Not bad, kid," Cage said. "But how about this?" He flicked his wrist, and suddenly a ball of green energy was flying through the air. Kunou didn't react in time and staggered backward, flailing his arms wildly. "Hey! That's a foul!" a feminine voice from the crowd shouted. >This is, of course, Kodachi. ^_^ >>And yes, I am a Kodachi fanboy as well. You'll start to see a theme here. Cage looked around in confusion. "What? I thought that sort of thing was legal around here." "Perhaps you weren't aware," Kunou said grimly, "that you have to say the names of your techniques when you perform them." >I just did this because it was funny. ^_^; Fortunately, nobody else continued >it... "What? You gotta be kidding me! Ref?!?" "I'm-a sorry," Mario said, "but they're-a right. I'll let it go-a this time, but start saying the names a-now." Cage stared at Mario, then at Kunou. He frowned. "All right, then, if that's how it goes..." He paused for a moment. "...Uh...Green Flame!" He lobbed another ball high, which Kunou ducked. "Green Flame? What kind of name is that?" the same voice from the crowd called. >See? Funny. >You have to remember Ultra was in its formative stages at this point... >>Boy, was it ever. Looking back, I really don't like this whole bit. >>Fortunately it was treated as comic relief, which gives ME great relief. >>(Not that I intended it as more than comic relief...really, it was just a >>joke.) Cage glared at the audience, trying to find the speaker. "Well, EXCUSE me, but I never had to HURK!" He staggered forward as Kunou smacked him in the head. "Do you think so little of me that you look elsewhere during our match?" Kunou yelled. "Impudent fool!" Cage glared back at his opponent. "All right, NOW I'm mad! SHADOW KICK!" Suddenly he was sliding across the ring toward Kunou, trailing green images behind. Kunou was knocked backward to the ropes on the other side, but recovered quickly and launched a counterattack. Cage shrugged off a couple of thrusts, slipped past Kunou's guard and landed a heavy uppercut, sending Kunou flying into the air. "EXCELLENT!" Hiroshi jumped. "What the HELL was that?" >More Mortal Kombat references. When you uppercut your opponent, Shao Kahn's >voice will often say 'EXCELLENT!'... >>Ah, I still love that, appropriate or not. EXCELLENT! Kunou staggered to his feet. "Ah, I see it now! You have demons aiding your efforts!" >Though mostly it was to set up for that line, which Eduardo Dilag suggested, >I believe... >>Shao Kahn might be called a demon with some accuracy, actually. "SHADOW UPPERCUT!" Kunou went flying again. "Cage is laying the smack down!" Hiroshi yelled. "He's so mad, he's not even responding to Kunou's taunts!" "It looks like the match is just about over for Kunou-sempai," Daisuke said. "Without some last-minute miracle..." "Hey Mr. Referee! Bowser's kidnapping Princess Toadstool!" Mario spun around. "What? WHERE?!?" >Hidden Fight: Kodachi vs. Mario. >>More on the 'hidden fights' later. A ribbon shot out from the audience, entangling Cage's legs just as he was about to launch another Shadow Kick. "An opening!" Kunou cried, and pulled all his stamina into a last strike. His bokken blurred as a sunburst pattern exploded in the background, and a little '39 HIT COMBO' appeared in midair. >That's a random Capcom fighting game thing. When the effects cleared, Cage, strangely enough, was still standing, but in a rather wobbly fashion. "FINISH HIM!" Kunou started, and looked around. Nobody else gave any indication of knowing what was going on. He turned back to Cage, blinked, and gave him one last smack with the bokken. Cage fell down. "KUNOU...WINS!" >Definitely Mortal Kombat there. >>The blending of styles is amusing. At least I think so. Mario walked over, a suspicious look on his face. He stared at Cage, then at Kunou, and finally took Kunou's hand and raised it over his head. "The winner...TATEWAKI KUNOU!" The crowd went wild. ===== "An INCREDIBLE match, ladies and gentlemen!" Hiroshi cried. "A stunning upset by Kunou, to gain victory and avoid the title of Biggest Loser in Ultra, a distinction now held by Johnny Cage!" "And that match was so incredible," Daisuke continued, "that I have a feeling we'll be hearing more about it in the future." >That was supposed to mean that a grudge was starting... >>HINT HINT NEXT AUTHOR oh never mind. >>See, I just hate to see ideas wasted. Even if they're not good ideas. That >>was sort of a blessing and a curse when I wrote impro-style stories. "Perhaps, Daisuke, perhaps. But now it's time for an event which I know you'll all love...the FLAMING STEEL CAGE EXHIBITION MATCH!" Hiroshi beamed at the wave of cheers. >I'll talk more about the thinking behind this match at the end of the >chapter, with Twoflower's 'Editor's Note'... "If you'll look above the ring, you'll see the steel cage being lowered as we speak," Daisuke said. The camera view switched to one of the ring, where a steel cage was indeed being lowered over the ring. It was about five meters high, and left about a meter of space around the outside of the ring. "As you might recall, this is a 'grudge match' specially sanctioned by Kasumi-sama herself," Daisuke continued, "to allow David to fight with Gambit over the heart of Sakura, even though David is not currently an Ultra competitor." As he spoke, the camera panned around the audience, bringing into view signs held up by audience members displaying such witticisms as "OROCHI 0:0 - THE VOID AWAITS", "TOTURI 3:16", "ULTRA-VIOLENCE", "WE WANT RYU", "NIPPON ICHI", "PIKA PIKA PIKACHU" and "PI 3:14". >Sign jokes: >Orochi has the whole Void thing going, so his sign is '0:0'. In a later >chapter Twoflower has his 1-800-COLLECT parody ad which uses the same idea. >Toturi 3:16...Rich Wulf posted a Rokugan 90210 chapter which had Toturi >acting rather Steve Austin-ish. Then Brian Kallenbach (listed in the credits >section) said the story made him want to go to a WWF event with a 'Toturi >3:16' sign. If you don't understand who Toturi is, he's from Legend of the >Five Rings...more on that with Norikazu. >>Rich Wulf was a guy who wrote these hilarious Legend of the Five Rings >>parodies on the L5R mailing list. He was so good he was eventually hired as >>a writer for the L5R RPG. >We Want Ryu...I was wondering when someone would break down and bring Ryu in. >Nippon Ichi is something Mai says in her win pose. Or is it her start pose? >Whichever. A bit more on this with the match she's in later. >The others should be self-explanatory...(I just put the Pi one in because, >well, I'm me.) "So Hiroshi...do you have any idea what's up with these '3:16' signs?" Hiroshi shrugged. "It's some American thing. ...Oh, the competitors are entering the arena!" >>Yep, they're all parodies of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's "Austin 3:16" thing. "From New Orleans, America," Touga called out, "a member of the mutant superhero team known as the X-Men...Please welcome...GAMBIT!" "Born on the Bayou" by Credence Clearwater Revival pumped out over the speakers, as Gambit strolled down the walkway to the ring, his staff jauntily slung over his shoulder. He waved pleasantly at the crowd, which gave him a warm welcome. >>Yeah, I really hunted for those songs. I know my mom likes Credence >>Clearwater Revival, though, so what the heck. "I guess the crowd's forgiven Gambit's behavior in the very first Lambda match," Daisuke commented, "or at least forgotten it." "Or they don't blame him," Hiroshi put in, remembering the touch of Morrigan's hand... "...Yeah, perhaps." Daisuke allowed himself a sweatdrop. >Gambit allowed himself to be distracted by Morrigan, which resulted in him >and Wolverine losing a Lambda match... A melancholy bass line started to pulse from the speakers. "And now, his opponent," Touga continued, "A mystery man, veteran of the Beta Tournament... DAVID!" >Unfortunately, I'd never played the game David appears in. So I frantically >reread Beta and winged it... David appeared at the top of the arena and walked toward the ring. His face was very pale. There were a number of reasons for this; he was working himself into his usual pre-fight tension, and he was worried about having to fight with a staff...and then there was the song. David knew it well, but couldn't figure out why they'd chosen it for him... o/~ To rise, to fall. To hurt, to hate. To want, to wait. To heal, to save...o/~ >This is the song listed in the credits, 'Scarred' by Dream Theater. I'll >explain why I chose it for David in just a bit. >>And yes, I'm a Dream Theater fanboy. The two of them, and Touga, were standing outside the steel cage. "Now, just to be sure we're clear on the rules," Touga said, "no weapons or possible weapons of any kind are allowed, except the staves." He stared at Gambit for several seconds, and finally the mutant reached into a pocket of his coat and took out a deck of cards, which he handed over with a shrug. Touga grinned, and opened the door. Gambit stepped smartly into the ring, David following a bit slower. "This match is scheduled for one fall, thirty minute time limit...and... BEGIN!" Touga yelled, as attendants locked the door to the cage. On the word 'BEGIN', the robot orchestra played two bars of Chopin's Funeral March. On the last note, a lone firework shot from the brass section up to the roof of the cage. When it hit, fire spread from the point of impact until the entire roof of the cage was aflame. >You all know the Funeral March, I'm sure..."BUM...BUM...ba BUM...BUM...ba >BUM...ba BUM...ba BUM!" o/~ ===== NON-LEAGUE EXHIBITION MATCH: GAMBIT VS. DAVID "Well, this should be a GREAT match!" Hiroshi enthused. "Don't you think so, Daisuke?" "Not really." Hiroshi looked pained. "While Gambit can't use his mutant powers, unless he wants to blow up his staff, he's still much more trained and experienced than David. I don't think this match will last very long." In the cage, David hefted his staff nervously. Gambit grinned at him. "Don' want to fight? I can' say I blame you." David glared back. He *did* want to fight...that was the whole point. He wanted to smack this arrogant bastard down for what he'd said to Sakura. He just didn't want to be permanently hurt, was all... "Hell, no pain, no gain," he muttered, and lunged forward. Gambit casually blocked, and slipped his staff past David's to poke him in the stomach. Actually, it was more like a pound than a poke. David staggered back, gasping. >>Sometimes I can visualize fights well, sometimes I can't. This one was sort >>of okay, I guess. "I don' think you have much skill with the staff," Gambit commented. "How unfortunate." He smacked David in the head a couple of times. David struggled to keep upright. "I won't forgive...what you said to Sakura," he wheezed. Gambit paused, and raised an eyebrow. "Well...you, non, but perhaps she did, eh? I don' see her in here fightin' me." David winced, as he remembered how Sakura had chewed him out after his proclamation... "I was just bein' friendly, anyway. Not like it was obvious she was, ah, taken...if you see what I mean." Suddenly the sound of a tolling bell rang out from the loudspeakers. Hiroshi looked around wildly. "What the...It's the OROCHI! What's he doing here?" Daisuke suppressed an urge to roll his eyes. >>Just like the Undertaker, heh. This whole thing is definitely inspired by >>the WWF, especially the Undertaker abducting/brainwashing people into his >>"Ministry of Darkness". The Orochi floated down the walkway toward the ring, to a wave of boos. He reached the cage, and...stood there. David tried to clear his head. What was going on? He seemed to have lost track of events after those last few smacks to the head. He blinked, and managed to realize that he was hanging onto the ropes, staring at the Orochi outside the cage...the Orochi? The Orochi stared back. Someone had put the song back on...or was it only in his mind? It finally got to the chorus... o/~ Blood, heal me...Fear, change me. Belief will always save me... o/~ David put his staff to the floor of the ring and pushed, levering himself to a standing position. Suddenly he was bent over by a fit of coughing. When he turned around, Gambit could see blood on his lips. o/~ Blood, swearing...Fear, staring. Conviction made aware! o/~ >Those two lines are why I chose the song. >Incidentally, David is being revealed as being descended from one of the >Orochi bloodlines...specifically, that of Wind, like Goenitz. The blood on >the lips is a clear sign of the Riot of the Blood. >>I got all this stuff about the Orochi bloodlines from a great FAQ. Listed >>in the credits at the end. "Eh...you all right, kid? I didn' think I..." Gambit's words died when he saw David's eyes. A wind sprang up, blowing out the fires on the cage. >Wind, see? "Uhoh," Gambit muttered. David leaped forward. The staves met with a rining sound. Gambit blocked and danced backward. David seemed to be a lot faster now, but fortunately not any more skilled. If he could use that to his advantage... >>Whoa, crap! Now we're in Gambit's viewpoint! That was clumsy. I wanted to >>be in David's viewpoint earlier to show his confusion, but now I wanted to >>be in Gambit's to emphasize David's weird "mutation"... Gambit feinted low, then clocked his opponent in the head again. David howled and waved his staff, and a gust of wind forced the Cajun back a couple of meters. "Wait 'til Ororo hears about you stealin' her tricks," Gambit muttered to himself, and moved forward...but then stopped. David was holding his staff like a...sword? As Gambit watched, a current of almost-visible air started to swirl around the staff in a pattern which was somehow familiar... >Okay, I'm not sure anyone got this, so I'll explain...You know all those >anime things where people swing their swords to create 'vacuum waves' that >cause damage to things? Well, this is the same thing...David is causing wind >to swirl around his staff in such a way that it imitates the blade of a >chainsaw. He does this because a chainsaw is the only weapon he's ever used. David lunged with his staff. Gambit blocked with his, and sparks flew. David pressed the attack, his eyes wild. All of Gambit's attacks were deflected, by staff or gust of wind. Finally David struck with such force that Gambit's staff was wrenched from his hands. He lunged forward, picked Gambit up...and threw him straight into the air. Gambit smacked against the roof of the steel cage. He was held there for long moments by the swirling wind...then he dropped to the mat. David dropped to his knees, his expression vacant. Attendants unlocked the cage and rushed in. They swarmed past the dazed David and loaded Gambit onto a stretcher, and hustled him out. Mario walked in and took David's hand, raising it over his head. "The winner...DAAAAAVID!" ===== "Well, that certainly was quite a match," Daisuke said, walking toward the ring. "I wonder if we can...Uh, Mr. Orochi, sir, a word?" He walked up to the God of Hate and held out his mike. "What, human?" >>What, no brackets? Guess those came later. "...er...I heard that you had agreed not to interfere in any fights..." "I did not interfere," the Orochi said emotionlessly. "I felt one of my Harbingers awakening, and came to witness it. Anything that young man did in the ring has been inside him all his life." The Orochi floated past Daisuke, who didn't really feel like standing in his way, and exited the arena. >This is contrasted with Naga, who was kidnapped and subjected to evil power >by Orochi to make her a Harbinger. As I said, David is descended from one of >the Orochi bloodlines. >>That may qualify as a retcon, but who really cares? It's fanfic. That's what >>you do in a story with the Orochi, you make someone descended from Orochi >>blood. "...Well," Daisuke continued, "Let's see about the competitors themselves. Uh...Mr. Gambit?" He managed to sneak between a couple of medical attendants to get a mike to the supine mutant. "Don' call me Mister, kid...you gon' make me feel old." Gambit chuckled weakly. "I had worse before. I be back soon, you see. Now le'me go to the hospital. If I be lucky, they have lots of pretty nurses..." The attendants wheeled him away. >I was too nervous to actually say Gambit was injured. I left it so the next >author could say he was, but it didn't happen... Daisuke looked back to the camera. "As you can see, ladies and gentlemen, Gambit is certainly confident that he'll soon be back in action, even though the extent of his injuries is as yet unknown. Now, let's see if we can get a word with the winner..." Daisuke walked to the ring, ducking under the rising steel cage. David was sitting in the middle of the mat, still looking out of it. Sakura was sitting next to him and looking on concernedly, but not saying anything. Daisuke ducked between the ropes and approached. "Er...David? Can I..." Sakura wheeled on him. "No, you can't!" she yelled. David blinked, and seemed to come back to himself. "Sakura?..." Sakura turned back to him. "David? I'm here..." David shook his head a little. "I...feel weird. Confused." "Well...you just won the match against Gambit." Sakura blushed just a little. "I did?...I don't...remember that." He looked around. "I'm still in the ring?" "It's only been a couple of minutes since the fight," Sakura said. "You were just sitting there...we weren't sure whether to move you, or what." David looked at her. "Were you...worried about me?" She looked down, and blushed a little more. David smiled...and then blinked. "Wait...when's your match?" "*My* match? What about *you*?" "I'm fine, really. Uh, Daisuke-san, when's her match?" "As soon as we get set up for it," Daisuke replied. "Well, I should get out of here and let you use the ring, then," David said. He pushed himself to his feet, leaning heavily on his staff. "What? No! You can't! You just--" "Sakura." David grinned. "I'm fine. Really. After all...I won." He winked, and she blushed yet again. "All right," he called, "you all clear out, so Sakura can kick ass." He walked gingerly out of the ring. Daisuke faced the camera. "A moving scene," he said, not really sounding like he believed it. "Now, back to you, Hiroshi." >>Daisuke is so awesome. ===== "Well, as I'm sure you noticed, my partner Daisuke is out on the beat, interviewing fighters and other interesting people!" Hiroshi beamed at the camera. "And since he's going to be doing that for the rest of the night, I'm going to be assisted by a special guest announcer! Please welcome, from the Emerald Empire of Rokugan, the Phoenix Clan Seer...Isawa Norikazu!" The camera pulled back, to reveal a pale man in a formal orange and red kimono, sitting in Daisuke's chair. He cleared his throat, and spoke into the microphone in front of him. "Uh...thank you, Hiroshi-san. It's...well, it's good to be here." >Okay, Isawa Norikazu is from Legend of the Five Rings, which is a collectible >card game and RPG set in Rokugan, the Emerald Empire...A setting loosely >based on medieval Japan (VERY loosely). His name gets written family name >first because that's how it appears on all the cards. Norikazu is a Seer who >has been going insane from all the prophetic visions he's been receiving... >Although I didn't really write him as insane here, just nervous... >>Now here's the real trick. L5R has a continously evolving storyline. At the >>time I wrote this, great upheavals were happening. Like I said, Norikazu was >>going insane. I guess this must have been about the time of Crimson and >>Jade, roughly... >>And at the time, I was, yes...an L5R fanboy. "Great! So...we've got some time before the next match. Why don't you tell us a little about yourself." Norikazu tugged at the neck of his kimono. "Uh, well...I'm a seer for the Phoenix Clan." "And what does that involve?" "I, uh, have visions and make prophecies. I also hold a rave every now and then." >There's a card called 'Norikazu's Ravings'. ^_^; I stole this joke from Rich >Wulf again...he had a Rokugan 90210 story where the characters went to the >Phoenix Clan stronghold to see Norikazu, and ended up finding him at >'Norikazu's Rave'. >>Those stories were so hilarious. "Wow, that sounds interesting. Got any prophecies for us tonight?" Norikazu gazed into the distance, and his eyes unfocused. "Today...is the day of chaos. The day of the thirteen. Thirteen conflicts shall there be, four hidden and nine public. Battle...darkness...sex...CHAOS!" He jumped out of his seat and stared into the camera. "The end begins TONIGHT! NOTHING can save us!" he screamed. "Nothing, all nothing, and only nothing..." He sat back down and gazed dully at his microphone. >See, I *wanted* to have thirteen fights...because that's my lucky number, and >because the story was posted on the thirteenth of whatever month it was...but >I realized there was no way I was going to be able to write that many fights. >So...I took some of the other conflicts and called them 'hidden fights'...A >bit forced, maybe, but... Hiroshi stared, his eyes big and sparkly. "WOW! That was AWESOME!" A small sweatdrop broke out on Norikazu's head. ===== "Ikari, what do you make of this?" Gendo Ikari sat in his office, surrounded by the 'SEELE n AUDIO ONLY' screens (they couldn't afford video teleconferencing). Professor Fuyutsuki stood behind him. >The 'SEELE 1 AUDIO ONLY', SEELE 2 AUDIO ONLY' etc....If you've seen much >Evangelion, you should have seen them... >>n varies, you see. There's a running gag with budget here. "It seems there's been an upheaval in Heaven's administration," he said, not moving his lips. "The new management seems to be reconsidering the plan set down in the Dead Sea Scrolls." "Are you saying there's a new God? That's ludicrous. How could such a thing be true?" another voice asked. "Are you asking me to guess the will of God?" Gendo asked. "That does fit your job description." "I think the girl was legitimate. If not God, close enough as makes no difference." "This whole thing is insane," another voice put in. "God doesn't just come down and tell you to hold off on things for a while. God sends down Angels to smite your works." "No, the Angels were here to show us the way." "No, they were challenges for us to overcome!" >I wanted to have some Eva stuff in this chapter, so to make sure I had >everything straight I went to a few web pages that tried to explain >everything in the series...and got rather confused. >The result was those last three lines. Why were the Angels there? Who knows? >I'd spent too much time researching on the web to care anymore...^_^; >>Yeah, trying to understand Evangelion is a Herculean, if not Sisphyean >>effort. "Quiet!" That was definitely Lorenz, head of SEELE. "Ikari, do we continue with the project or not?" "If we continue, the consequences she enumerated will come to pass," Gendo replied. "If she finds out." "How do you hide from God?" "How indeed?" Lorenz said. "Ikari, we will be in touch." The screens winked off. Fuyutsuki leaned down. "I think it worked...they'll want you to continue the Instrumentality Project." >In other words that's me making sure everyone knows Gendo was manipulating >SEELE. >Hopefully it didn't come off as heavy-handed... "Don't move, Fuyutsuki, we haven't budgeted for it." >Hidden fight: Gendo vs. SEELE. >>Just a small little bit of comic relief there. ===== "So Norikazu," Hiroshi said, "what was that about thirteen fights?" "Well...there will be nine 'matches' tonight," Norikazu replied, "and four other hidden conflicts." "Hidden conflicts? What are those?" "I don't know. They're hidden." >I pointed out two already, and will point out the other two when they appear. Hiroshi stared at him. "Look, it comes and goes, okay?" "Okay...but there are only eight matches planned." Norikazu sweated. "Uh...Hey, aren't they starting now?" >>"Excuse me, could I just distract you for a brief moment?" >>--Kryten, Red Dwarf "Ladies and gentlemen!" Touga yelled, holding up his hand. "It's time now for our second Gamma match of the evening!" As might be expected, quite a few cheers greeted this announcement. An odd electronic beat pulsed from the speakers. "From Russia...the mistress of the whip...give it up for SOFIA!" As 'Whip It' swung into full gear, Sofia strode down the walkway, high- fiving the outstretched hands on both sides. Near the ring she moved to one side of the walkway and ran her face along the line of hands, licking them. This sparked a huge two-part cheer; joy from the fans nearest the walkway, and envy from everyone else. >>And yes, I'm a DEVO fanboy. >>...well, actually, I am NOW. I wasn't back then, oddly enough. Sofia entered the ring and waved to all corners, then smiled wickedly at Touga. Mario rolled his eyes. Touga grinned, and held up his hand again. "And her opponent, from here in Japan...SAKURA KASUGANO!" A familiar theme played over the speakers as Sakura zooomed down the walkway and into the ring, skidding to a stop. >>That is RIGHT from the video games. "All right! I'm READY!" she exclaimed, adopting a battle stance. "Let the battle...BEGIN!" Touga jumped out of the ring. ===== GAMMA MATCH 2: SOFIA VS. SAKURA Sofia burst out laughing. Sakura blinked...and sweatdropped. "Hey! What's so funny?" "Oh...nothing, little girl." Sofia giggled. "...I'm not a little girl!" Sakura snapped. "Oh, please. With your cute little uniform and your cute little headband. You should go back to school before you get hurt!" Sakura started to fume. "So what if I'm younger than you are! I can still fight!" Sofia yawned. "Oh, I'm sure you can. But hitting someone isn't all *that* difficult. With the right training, anyone could do it." Sakura blinked. "...So...what are you saying?" Sofia turned to Sakura and smiled...and wicked gleam in her eye. "I'm saying that there's no way you can be as sexy as me. That's the sort of thing you either have or you don't." Hiroshi's jaw dropped. "This is going to get weird," Norikazu noted. "Is that your expert opinion as a seer?" "Don't *you* think it's going to get weird?" After a moment, Hiroshi nodded. >Twoflower said that matches could be anything the contestants agreed on... >they didn't have to be physial battles. Kinda like the Splinter vs. Kasumi >staring contest from Beta. That's the kind of thing that just seems like a >challenge to me, so... >>Yeah, you don't leave a clause like that lying around where I can exploit >>it. Sakura was alternating between red and pale. Sofia sighed. "Well, I guess if all you want to do is fight..." She unrolled her whip apathetically. "...No!" Sofia raised an eyebrow. "...No?" "I can beat you on any terms you can name!" "Whatever Ranma has, I think it's spreading," Hiroshi said. >>There was a running joke on the Ranma ML that Ranma would try to do >>anything if it involved martial arts, even "Martial Arts Breastfeeding". "Really. Well, then..." Sofia turned to the audience. "How many of you think...*I'm* sexier?" She winked, and a huge cheer went up. Sakura swallowed...then turned to the other side of the ring. She put one finger to her chin, and rose petals swirled around her. Her smile became ever-so-slightly seductive. "How many of you think...*I'm* sexier?" The cheer was large, but definitely smaller than Sofia's. Sofia put her hand to her mouth and laughed. "OOOOHOHOHOHOOO! Give it up, little girl!" Sakura spun at her, fury in her eyes. "All right...that's IT! You wait right here, and I'll be back!" She jumped over the ropes and ran down the walkway, disappearing backstage. >This is another Hidden Fight: Sakura vs. herself...i.e. she debates with >herself whether she really wants to win or not, and finally decides to wear >the black leather fuku. Sofia blinked. Not quite what she had expected, but... Suddenly Kasumi appeared at the side of the ring. She climbed between the ropes and started to talk softly to Sofia. "Well, this is an unexpected development!" Hiroshi said. "Leaving the ring is not a disqualification, so the match is still going on! Is Kasumi making some sort of arrangement to continue the match at some later time?" "Yes," Norikazu said. Hiroshi glared at him. "Only time will tell!" he said, loudly. Kasumi took the microphone from Touga and held up her hand for attention. "Minna-san, we're going to postpone this match until later this evening." "Told you," Norikazu muttered. "In the meantime, so you all won't get bored, we're going to hold our Omega Division Title Match...Shinji Ikari vs. Sephiroth!" The huge cheer was interrupted by the sound of a bell tolling. "TENDO!" The Orochi floated down the walkway toward the ring, as gasps and murmurs ran through the crowd. Kasumi smiled. "Yes, Orochi-san?" The Orochi was almost put off by Kasumi's calm demeanor...but not quite. "First you deny me the right to destroy Shinji Ikari, and now you call off my match with Sephiroth? I am rapidly losing patience with your 'rules'!" "I'm sorry, Orochi-san, but I've decided that Sephiroth's title challenge is more important." Oddly enough, she really *did* seem sorry. >This was mostly me thinking up a rationalization for writing the fights *I* >wanted to write. ^_^; Twoflower okayed it, though... The Orochi stared at Kasumi for long moments. She smiled back. Finally, he broke the silence. "Then I demand a match with the woman who insulted me in our previous match...Lina Inverse!" Kasumi turned to look at the video wall. "Lina-san, is that all right?" Lina's image appeared. "Will I get a rematch with that big monster, for the title?" "Of course. You won one match already, so you can challenge for the title whenever you like." >That was something Twoflower said to me in a private email, so I wanted to >make sure everyone *else* understood it too... >>Hmmm. I seem to recall this match was a very recent repeat. Not a good >>idea, that, and it bothered me even then. "All right then, I'm ready!" She winked and gave a V sign, and her image disappeared. "Orochi-san, we'll fit the match in later this evening. You be sure to be ready." The Orochi hung in midair for several moments. Suddenly, he flared with a crackling purple aura for a brief instant. Then he turned and floated back to the exit. "...It's just a guess," Hiroshi said nervously, "But I think that was the Orochi's way of saying that he's *always* ready." >I was trying to write Orochi as a really *evil* villain in this chapter. But >later authors made him a comedy-heel type...ah, well... >>Actually, I believe that statement is no longer wholly accurate. "What'd I say? Nine matches, right? Who's the man." "All right then, minna-san," Kasumi continued, "Let's go now to the dimension where the first Omega match of the evening will be held!" ===== Shinji stared dully at the floor of the locker room. "Shinji-kun, are you...Shinji-kun? You're not even in your plug suit!" "I'm sorry, Kaoru-kun...I just..." >This is another Hidden Fight: Shinji vs. himself (i.e. his doubts). >Incidentally...as I understand it, Kaoru's name is written in katakana, with >the archaic 'wo' character...that's why you'll occasionally see it spelled >'Kaworu'. However, if you watch Eva and listen, they *pronounce* it 'Kaoru'. >Therefore that's the spelling I used. >>See previous comment about Evangelion referencing Greek mythology. >_> Kaoru sat down next to Shinji. "I don't blame you for being confused. There certainly are a lot of things to be confused about. ...What is it tonight?" "Well..." Shinji exhaled. "I was supposed to fight the Angels...and protect everyone. And I could do that...but now there aren't any more Angels, and I'm in this fighting federation? It just doesn't make any sense!" Kaoru smiled. "Life is hard to make sense of, sometimes. The way things are now...instead of killing, you're entertaining. Personally, I think that's a lot better." Shinji laughed, a little...then looked at Kaoru gravely. "But what about all the times...when I'm in the Eva and it goes berserk? I feel all this... anger. Is that really a good thing?" "Shinji...hate and anger are part of humanity, whether you like it or not. And they have their place. It's best to just accept them and try to learn from them." Kaoru smiled. "You're such a nice guy, I know you'll do fine." Shinji looked down and blushed, just a little. "Now, come on, let's get you undressed." >Nice quote to take out of context there, don't you think? >No one followed up on that angle, though... >>I thought all the fangirls loved that pairing. Oh well. ===== Daisuke stared out across the featureless sands. Why me, he thought. >Because I wanted to have Norikazu guest announce, of course. A hole opened in the sky. A lone figure floated through...garbed in black, with long gray hair. In his hand was a *very* large sword. "From the laboratories of the city of Midgaard," Daisuke said into his mike with no large amount of enthusiasm, "The Man With No Soul...Sephiroth! (Who writes this stuff?)" >I do. Eheh. Well, I noticed that most of the WWF stars had 'epithets', so I >tried to think of some for the Ultra characters. None of them really stuck, >though. But that's okay, I tried...(Actually, 'The Man With No Soul' is kind >of lame, looking back...^_^;) >>Yep, afraid so. But I made the effort, at least. Another, much larger hole opened nearby. The Evangelion Unit 01 stepped ponderously through...very big, very mean, and very purple. >>You know, I like that sentence. The twist at the end makes it seem really >>weird. Which is good. The longer you think about it, the less sense it >>makes. "And from the confines of Tokyo-3...The Ender of Worlds, Evangelion Unit 01! Piloted by Shinji Ikari. Hiroshi, you're doing this next time." Daisuke jumped through the portal and found himself in Tokyo-3. >I like 'The Ender of Worlds', though...it's quite accurate too... >>Daisuke visits Tokyo-3! Whee! >>Not that it really mattered. The two combatants stared at each other. Then, Sephiroth swiped his sword through the air. "Come on!" ===== OMEGA MATCH 1: SEPHIROTH VS. EVANGELION UNIT 01 AND IKARI SHINJI "Sephiroth vs. Eva! What a matchup!" Hiroshi enthused. "Got any bets on the outcome, Norikazu?" "Words will decide this battle," Norikazu intoned. "Words?" "Words." "What kind of words?" "Big words." Hiroshi blinked. >And if you've read the chapter you know what those words are. Shinji frowned to himself. "Sephiroth. Why does that sound familiar?..." >The sephiroth (or sefirot) make up the Tree of Life, a mystical diagram which >is part of Hebrew mysticism. Gendo has a diagram of the Tree of Life on the >ceiling of his office, and it appears a few other times in Evangelion as >well... Sephiroth cut loose with a large fire spell, enveloping the Eva in flames. When they died out, however, the giant thing was unscratched. "Misato-san? How did he do that?" Shinji called. "Is he an Angel?" Back in Tokyo-3, Ritsuko typed on a keyboard as only she could. "He's not human; part of his DNA is something else, but it's not Angel." >It's Jenova, of course. >>FF7 continuity is kind of complicated. Just trust me. "Be careful, Shinji-kun!" Misato called. "All right...let's go!" Shinji yelled. He pulled up his super-size paintball rifle and let fly. Sephiroth weaved through the air, easily avoiding the pellets, and cast an ice spell. The ice broke harmlessly around the Eva, its S2 engine keeping its body temperature constant. "Hmmm," Sephiroth hmmmed, dodging paintballs. "This one's tough. Let's try something a bit bigger." He raised his sword... "Huge energy surge!" Maya yelled. "Track and identify!" Ritsuko commanded. "Dame desu! Energy type unknown!..." >'Dame desu' is pretty much Maya's catch phrase in Evangelion, of course... >>It roughly means "No good!". Whenever some new alien thing threatens Earth, >>Maya's the one who has to break the bad news that they don't know what the >>%$#@! is going on. ===== Two hundred years ago... A dark power surfaced, between Mars and Jupiter. It clawed at a chunk of rock, changing its orbit...pulling it in, towards the Sun...and the Earth. For two centuries the rock hurtled along its altered course...drawing ever closer to the green third planet... ...Until finally, their paths crossed. >I wanted to try and think about what would actually be required to get a >meteor to smash into the Earth...and I came up with the idea that you'd have >to start it on its way a long time ago. Therefore the magic goes back in >time. That's why the Meteo/Comet spell takes so much energy. >I looked at an astronomy web page and did some rather simplified calculations >to come up with the 'two centuries' figure. That page is listed at the end, >in the credits... >>The funny thing is, to cast that spell all you need is the right Materia, >>which is easy to miss but really not that hard to get in the game. And once >>you have it, using it is routine. So despite all the effort involved in >>moving asteroids around, it's really an ordinary thing from an FF7 >>viewpoint. ===== Meteors rained down on Shinji. "That was cool," Hiroshi noted. >All that two centuries build-up and the result is just 'That was cool'... >well, that's Hiroshi for you... "He's tampering with the HEAVENS!" Norikazu ranted. "Has he no respect for the Celestial ORDER? He must be DESTROYED!" >Legend of the Five Rings people take that sort of thing rather seriously. Shinji clutched the control handles of his Eva, breathing hard. "He's got some powerful attacks...but he hasn't touched me yet!" Shinji pushed on the handles, and the Eva stomped forward. "All right then," Sephiroth said, "the direct approach." The Eva swung at Sephiroth with its right hand. Sephiroth dipped under the punch and cut the Eva's left arm off. >Notice that the Angels can always damage the Evas through hand to hand >combat. More interesting than just gunplay, I think. Shinji howled and clutched his arm. >>Shinji always feels the pain of his Eva sympathetically. At which point >>Misato always tries to snap him out of it by saying... "Shinji-kun! That's not your arm! SHINJI-KUN!" Misato yelled desperately. >I keep wanting to write a fanfic where Shinji's Eva gets sliced in the >crotch. "Shinji-kun! That's not your [censored]! SHINJI-KUN!" "MY GODDESS!" Hiroshi yelled. "Sephiroth has just DISARMED Eva Unit 01!" Groans and showers of peanuts met this comment. >Showers of peanuts often greet puns in Spider Robinson stories... Shinji screamed, his eyes insane, and twisted at the controls. The Eva started to flail around with its one arm. >Uhoh! Shinji's goin' postal! "My love for you is ticking clock, BERSERKER!" >...what? >>Clerks reference. mmyep. "Does anyone else hear rumbling?" Misato asked, frowning. Sephiroth laughed madly. "Fool! And so it ends for all who would WHULF!" The Eva had actually managed to hit Sephiroth, smacking him into the sand. "And Sephiroth is DOWN!" Hiroshi yelled. "But probably not out!...wait, I hear rumbling too..." Sephiroth rolled to a stop...and, after a moment, pushed himself up on his arms. "Lucky shot," he snapped, spitting out sand. "But now..." >>"But now...you will see..." >>(See Ultra #27, Exposed!.) He blinked, and looked behind him, just in time to see the giant tank tread. "What the HELL is that?" Hiroshi, Misato and about 10,000 fans said. A huge vehicle, as tall as the Eva but much more massive, rolled over Sephiroth's impact site. It looked like a building on tank treads...but it seemed to built in the shape of...letters. "Robot Carnival?" Hiroshi read in astonishment. >In the episode summaries, Twoflower called this 'one of the most unusual >cameos in Ultra to date'. I take that as a compliment. ^_^ >>Fanboy, yep. >For those of you who might not have seen Robot Carnival...the 'Opening' >segment shows this huge rolling mechanical thing (fortress?) shaped like the >words 'ROBOT CARNIVAL' on tank treads, which rolls over and destroys a >helpless village. The Robot Carnival halted. It let out some whistles of hot gas...then broke apart, the letters falling down in that stately way usually reserved for buildings...although one 'O' did roll almost to the feet of the Eva. >Oh, and in the 'Closing' segment it tries to roll up a dune, overheats, and >collapes, the 'O' rolling some distance away. "Oh, my...I guess I forgot to mention the natural hazards of that dimension," Kasumi said over the cheers of the pit orchestra. >I mentioned the pit orchestra was from the Robot Carnival, right? After a moment, Hiroshi recovered. "Well, it seems like the Robot Carnival is going to be deemed a natural hazard, and not an attempt at interference in the match--" "Words. I told you." Norikazu sniffed. Hiroshi's stare got ever-so-slightly crazed. "--and so the judges are going to pronounce Shinji and Eva the winners! They keep the belt!" "The winners...Shinji Ikari and Evangelion Unit 01!" Touga yelled, just to make it official. ===== "I do not appreciate your interference in my match," Kunou growled. His sister giggled. "Oh, come now, dear brother. He was about to defeat you." "Then I would have lost honorably!" "Well, perhaps I shall just go and confess to the authorities then, hmmm? I'm sure they'd be glad to make you the Biggest Loser in this federation!" Kunou scowled. "I knew you'd see it my way! Now, do you know where Naga the White Serpent's dressing room is? I really want her autograph! OOOOOHOHOOHOOO!" >Nobody followed up on that angle either. Ah well... >>Or did they? Maybe they did, I forget. This would be known in the wrestling >>business as "teasing a face turn" for Kunou. ===== "Welcome back to Ultra!" Hiroshi yelled, riding a sugar high like a surfer on a wave or a T1. "It looks like we're ready to restart that postponed Gamma match between Sofia and Sakura, so let's get right to it!" >I have a feeling that joke didn't quite work. I was aiming for 'like a surfer >on a wave or a (web) surfer on a T1'. Ah, well... "Ladies and gentlemen, our competitors have agreed to a special match this evening!" Touga proclaimed. "A contest of beauty and charm, to determine the Sexiest Woman in Gamma Division!" Mai, Morrigan and Lilith sniffed. "Good thing they didn't say 'All of Ultra'," they said, more or less simultaneously. A strange tune with lots of heavy breathing started to play over the speakers. "And as neutral judges in this match, please welcome, from Lambda Division...Team Hentai!" As 'Come to Butt-head' played, Ataru and Happosai stood up and waved to the crowd from their ringside table, eliciting mingled laughter and boos. "They love us, sensei!" Ataru crowed. Happosai cackled. >>Yes, that was a real tune that was a "spinoff" of the show. Dear me. Touga touched his earphone. "I've just received word that Sakura will be returning to the arena shortly..." Sofia could be seen to be smirking. "...And here she comes now!" Sakura raced down the walkway and into the ring, skidding to a halt in front of Sofia. "All right! NOW I'm ready!" A big 'ooooh' went up from the crowd. Sakura had on a black leather fuku. >This is what was in the box delivered to Sakura at the beginning of the >chapter. It's supposed to be a replica of the one she wore in the Beta >tournament, when Akuma made her eeeeeeeevil. ===== GAMMA MATCH 2 (CONTINUED): SOFIA VS. SAKURA Sofia's jaw dropped. Where the hell had she gotten that? "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea," she muttered. "The competitors have five minutes to...ah...perform!" Touga yelled. "At the end of that time, the judging will take place! Ready...GO!" "Hah! Not so cocky now, are you obasan?" Sakura taunted. The crowd roared. >'obasan' means 'aunt'...used to address older women... >>...and very, *very* often used in anime as an insult toward women. Sofia turned pale. "...what did you call me?" "Obasan, obasan! I saw your file--you're almost *25*!" Sakura put one hand on her hip and flounced. "Can't compete with me!" Hoots and whistles from the audience. >Got that age from some Toshinden FAQ... "Why, you little..." Sofia clenched her teeth. No, I can't let her get to me, she thought...I have to channel the anger. She took a deep breath...and smiled. "What a *naughty* litle girl you are," she said, uncoiling her whip. "I think you need to be *punished*!" A loud roar of approval from the audience. Hiroshi would have said something, but he couldn't manage to close his mouth. "Eeeee! Oh no, please don't punish me!" What the hell am I doing? Sakura thought. Is it these clothes, somehow?... Sofia flipped her whip through the air, eliciting a crack. "Now, now... stand still, this is for your own good!" ===== "Okay, you guys ready on the censor there?" Nabiki called. "Ready Nabiki-san!" the reply came. >This accomplishes two things: I got to introduce Nabiki and I got to not >write the actual Sofia/Sakura fight...I wanted to not write it for three >reasons: First, I wasn't sure I would be able to do it justice ^_^;, second, >I didn't want to make this chapter too 'mature', and third, I wanted to leave >what was happening up to the perverted imaginations of the readers. >Tantalizing, isn't it? "Great...looks like they might need it soon, depending on how long those five minutes stretch out." She pressed a button, changing the image on the monitor in front of her. "Definitely some good shots for the commercials coming up." >The 'chocolate pudding (price)' spot. "Already on it, Nabiki-san!" "Awesome." Nabiki lounged back in her chair and watched the screens. "Hello, Nabiki-chan." Nabiki looked up. "Oh, hi...um...oneechan." She still couldn't of her sister as God. Fortunately, Kasumi didn't seem to mind. But then, she never seemed to mind much of anything. "What brings you to the video room?" Kasumi smiled her Kasumi smile. "I just wanted to check in on you, and see how things were going." >"And do a bit of exposition while I was here. ^_^" Nabiki smiled. "It's going great." Her expression took on a tinge of embarrassment. "...Um...thank you. Again, for giving me this job..." "Oh, Nabiki-chan, don't be silly. If I can't make my sister happy, what good is all this power?" Being used to this kind of reasoning from Kasumi, Nabiki just smiled. "So are you going to get rid of Ranma, to make your other sister happy?" Kasumi smiled some more. "Oh no, Akane doesn't want Ranma to go away. Don't worry, I've got plans for them too." She looked at the monitors. "Oh, my. Where did they get that chocolate pudding?" >What does Kasumi have in mind for Ranma and Akane? Nobody seemed to follow up >on that angle, either... >>That was a miniature Ranma fanfic, right there. "Oh no, Akane doesn't want >>Ranma to go away." "Koji, get a price on the pudding," Nabiki called, without bothering to look at the monitor. >Koji was later put into Do-Gooders... "Yes Nabiki-san!" "Seiji, how's the censor situation?" >Seiji of course appears in Dark Times and/or Nightmare Fighter Yumeko, which >hadn't been written at the time this chapter was written...(Not the *same* >Seiji, of course...or is it?) >>When looking for Japanese-sounding names for characters, I frequently turn >>to a reliable source...anime credits. I can't remember what job Horibuchi >>Seiji performed, or what anime(s) he performed it for, but he is now >>immortalized in my personal pantheon of names that often get reused. "Not...quite necessary, yet. And I think the time is almost up." "Great. Wouldn't want to deprive anyone of their viewing pleasure." "Well, I should be getting back...it looks like the ring will need some tidying up." Nabiki turned back to the monitors, and waved idly. "Drop by anytime." Kasumi beamed. It was so nice seeing Nabiki so happy! >>Hm, was I the one who put Nabiki into this position? Honestly, I can't >>remember. Either way I was doing a heck of a lot with this chapter... ===== "Time!" Touga called. Hiroshi tugged on his collar. "I think I speak for everyone in this room, when I say...wow." Norikazu mopped his brow. "I would have phrased it a bit differently, but 'wow' captures the essence." Touga climbed into the ring slowly, avoiding stray pudding splatters. He stared. Sofia and Sakura were facing each other, breathing hard. Both their costumes were torn and stained with pudding. They glared at each other. Ataru and Happosai were deep in discussion at their ringside table. "Well...the judges are conferring," Hiroshi noted, pouring icewater on his head. "They'll probably reach a decision soon. So...I think my favorite part was definitely the pudding. How about you, Norikazu?" >>The bit with the icewater is supposed to creep up on you and make you go >>"Wait, what?". "Feathers. Definitely the feathers." Hiroshi nodded, and reached for another pitcher. "The judges have reached a decision!" Touga proclaimed. A huge cheer went up, but quickly died away to silence to hear the judges' decision. "After thorough, careful and exacting analysis," Happosai said into the mike, "We, Team Hentai, hereby award the title of Sexiest Woman in Gamma Division, and also the victory, to...SAKURA-CHAN!!!" A huge roar swept the dome, almost drowning out Sofia's cry of "WHAT?!?" Ataru took the mike. "The reasoning behind this decision is as follows; while Sofia is certainly comfortable with her, eheh," he leered, "charms...it was the other competitor, Sakura, who truly delved into her own hentai side and rose above her normal level of, heeheeh," another leer, "attractiveness. Because, after all, what is sexy? It's what's out of the ordinary, daring, forbidden! And it is that which truly attracts us!" He put down the mike and bowed. >This is one of those "opposite answer" things that I enjoy a lot. Happosai dabbed at his eyes with a pair of panties. "I'm so proud of you, my student..." Sofia ground her teeth. She would not lose control...she would not... "And with this defeat," Hiroshi said cheerily, "Sofia is now in contention for the title of Biggest Loser in Ultra!" "You little BITCH!" Sofia screamed, her whip striking like a snake. Sakura yelped and ran out of the ring, Sofia in close pursuit. "I'll GET you for this! You haven't seen ANYTHING yeACK!" This last exclamation was caused by the fact that a robot had appeared and grabbed Sofia around the waist. A young girl with black hair in a style that cannot be described in words popped up. "Okay, Miniwolf, take her away!" she proclaimed. The robot rolled off, dragging the screeching Sofia backstage. >In the game Tron builds several different robots...I remembered one was >called 'Marlwolf' and was pretty big. So, a smaller version... "Ano, Tron-san, would you come up here?" Kasumi asked, suddenly in the ring. The girl turned to Kasumi and blushed, but climbed into the ring. "Minna-san, I'd like you to give a big welcome to our new head of security, Miss Tron Bonne!" Kasumi beamed, and a warm cheer rolled through the dome. >Tron's from Mega Man Legends. She's cute. ^_^ And I had no idea how to >describe her hairstyle...so I said so! >>And yes, I am a Tron fanboy. >>...And also a Tron Bonne fanboy. Somewhere around the twentieth row, a boy in blue armor stood up. "Hey, look, Roll, it's her! Hi Tron!" He waved. Tron noticed and blushed even deeper. "Um...thank you Kasumi-san, now I should be going!" she babbled, and ran off. The boy sat down. "Hm. Maybe she didn't see me..." >That's Mega Man, by the way, and Roll. Tron has a crush on Mega Man, of >course... >>Apparently there was something weird about Mega Man later, what time period >>he was from, or what. Actually in this part he's just a cameo...a one-shot >>joke. ===== "Hello, Ultra fans," Daisuke said into his mike. "I'm here in Tokyo-3 for an exclusive interview with Shinji Ikari, pilot of Evangelion Unit 01." He sat down on a bench next to Shinji, who was still in his wet plug suit. "It's good to see you again, Ikari-kun." >>Remember, Daisuke was in Tokyo-3? I'm rather impressed with that bit of >>continuity there. Shinji managed a weak smile. "Yeah...it's good to see you too, Daisuke- san." "Well, you and Eva are the champions again. How's that feel?" He smiled and pointed the mike at Shinji. Shinji sort of stared at the ground. Daisuke blinked. "...Um...Ikari-kun?" Shinji turned to face him. "What am I fighting for, Daisuke-san?" Daisuke considered his next words carefully. "In my experience...it seems like all the fighters have their own reasons for fighting." Shinji looked at the ground again. "So...I'm supposed to find my own reason?..." "...I guess so." "So what if I don't fight?" Daisuke thought hard. "Ultra...is a business. So we try and make money by selling tickets to all the people that want to see your Eva fight. But speaking for myself...if you don't want to fight, then I say everyone else can go to hell." "You're wrong, Daisuke-kun." Daisuke spun in shock. "Ka...Kasumi? Sama?" Kasumi smiled. "Ultra is not a business. It's to entertain people, and make them happy. That's why I started it." "But what about all the hate, and the anger, and the fighting?" Shinji almost yelled. "They're in the world already. Trying to keep them out...well, it just wouldn't work." "I told you it would be okay, Shinji-kun." Kaoru walked in and sat down on the other side of Shinji. "See how everyone cares about you?" Shinji looked around, and blushed a little. "Minna..." >>Yeah, see, I WISH I could write this dialogue COMPLETELY in Japanese, like >>I've heard the characters speak. But I only know a few words in Japanese. >>Whenever those words that I know are appropriate, I can just *hear* the >>characters saying them, so I put them in... >>The honorifics are kind of important, though, so I more or less always put >>them in. I'm not saying I always get them completely correct, but I think >>what I have is better than nothing. "All right, Daisuke-kun, run along," Kasumi said. "I want to have a private word with the champion." She bundled Daisuke and his cameraman out of the room, and closed the door. Daisuke faced the camera, his face grave. "This is Daisuke, live from Tokyo-3, signing off." >WAFFy, isn't it? >>That would be a Warm And Fuzzy Feeling. ===== [Shot of the Flaming Steel Cage] Voiceover: Lighter fluid--$3.95. [Sakura skidding to a halt in her black fuku] Voiceover: Custom-made leather fuku--$100. >I actually found some 'erotic clothes' manufacturer on the web and found a >leather miniskirt or something that was $100, so I thought that reasonable... >I think they did custom stuff too... [Sephiroth calls down meteors onto Eva-01] Voiceover: Comet Materia--Unique. >And in fact there is only one in FFVII. Unless you master it, of course... [A clip from Sofia and Sakura's match] Voiceover: Chocolate pudding--$.89. >Found that on some web grocery store thing... [Nabiki shouting orders in the video room] Voiceover: The look of happiness on a sister's face--priceless. Voiceover: There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard. >>You may or may not remember the series of commercials that spawned this >>parody. If you don't...well, I can't help you. ===== Nabiki stared at the monitor for a moment, then put her head in her hands. >Kasumi was so pleased with seeing Nabiki happy that she messed with the >commercial to share her feelings with everyone. Wai! ===== Hiroshi sniffed into a handkerchief. "Those commercials always get to me. ...And that interview with Shinji!" Norikazu nodded sagely. "Truly, he is a lucky boy to have such friends." Hiroshi cried on his fellow announcer's shoulder. "I *love* you, man!" "You're not getting my Bud Light, Hiroshi." >>Another running gag series of commercials. "Ladies and gentlemen!" Touga called. "It is now our pleasure to present to you...a Lambda Division Title Match!" Cheers rolled through the arena, as 'Breathe' by Prodigy started up. "First up, the challengers...from the US and Japan, the Fatally Furious Fighters...ANDY BOGARD and MAI SHIRANUI!" >I've never heard 'Breathe'. So I didn't describe the beat or anything... >>Oh wait, I guess other people put in most of the theme songs before this. >>That's why I just plugged in "Breathe". Andy and Mai walked down to the ring, cheers meeting them from all sides. Mai giggled and waved to the audience, clinging to her partner's arm, while Andy just sort of smiled, looking like he was trying hard not to sweatdrop. "Well, Andy and Mai definitely look psyched up!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "But will it be enough to unseat the champions?" "And now, the reigning Lambda Division Champions!" Touga continued. "The mistresses of the Demon House of Aensland...Morrigan and Lilith!" The succubi strolled down the walkway, flirting with the fans on either side while 'Closer' by NIN played. >>I remember a guy I knew who was into NIN ranting that the song was totally >>inappropriate for Morrigan, despite one or two sexual lyrics. >>*shrug* "Hmph! Sluts," Mai commented. Andy rubbed the back of his head, giving in to the urge to sweatdrop. "I think the big guy's at least a nine," Lilith commented to her partner. "He is built pretty well, isn't he? But I think he's too devoted to his ninja girl there," Morrigan replied. "So you're saying..." "Plan five." "Ah, plan five! I'll let you go first this time." Lilith beamed. Morrigan grinned. "This should be fun." "Hey." "Hm?" "How about the ring announcer? I think he deserves at least an eight." >>Where was this from? Was Hentai Hunter Gaia written back then? No, I doubt >>it was. Maybe I got this bit from an omake... "Too bishounen. And too young for me. But you two might look good together." "Wai!" Lilith waied. She waved at Touga cheerily. Touga grinned. This tournament was turning out to be a better idea all the time. "This match is scheduled for one fall, thirty minute time limit!" he called. "And...let the battle BEGIN!" He jumped out of the ring. >I told you Touga was a player, right? >Unfortunately...(And I think you all know what I'm going to say by now...) No >one followed up on that angle. ^_^; >>That doesn't really bother me as much as it used to, I guess. Still, one >>thing I always hate is wasted opportunities. ===== LAMBDA MATCH 1: ANDY BOGARD AND MAI SHIRANUI VS. MORRIGAN AND LILITH Mai stared grimly across the ring at Morrigan. Morrigan grinned and did a backflip, suddenly looking like Mai like green hair and a black costume. >Morrigan does this in some of the win poses and other animations for Pocket >Fighter...she turns into Sakura and Chun Li, only with green hair and a black >costume. "Nippon ichi!" She waved a fan and winked. "She certainly is," Hiroshi noted. >Mai says 'Nippon Ichi' in one of her win poses. As she says it, she waves a >fan and, uh, bounces. For that reason some people tend to mishear her as >saying 'Me bouncy!'... Mai started in shock, then clenched her teeth and tossed a fan. "KA CHOU SEN!" Morrigan jumped over the projectile, launching a bat on the way down. "Soul Fist!" "And the battle is underway!" Hiroshi yelled. "It's just a fireball fight!" Yashiro yelled from somewhere in the first few rows. >I didn't know much about Yashiro, but he said that in one of the previous >episodes, so...^_^; "Yes, at the moment it's a fireball fight, but I'm sure things will heat up soon!" "RYU EN BU!" Mai spun in place, the tail of her uniform leaving a flaming contrail. Unfortunately, Morrigan blocked it. "Shadow Blade!" Morrigan flew upward, smacking Mai back with her wing. "The perennial Capcom dragon punch, and Mai is down!" Hiroshi yelled. "But she's getting back up!" >Amazing what you can fake with a few move names from an FAQ, isn't it? >>It's all smoke and mirrors. I'm really not good at fighting games at all. "Not bad, bitch," she muttered, and turned to the ropes. "Oh, is that big, strong man going to come play with me now?" Mai froze. Then, after a moment, she turned back. "No." She leaped again. "Uhoh! It looks like Morrigan's getting under Mai's skin!" Hiroshi said. "That could be trouble for the captivating ninja girl!" >That was from some FAQ, that 'captivating ninja girl'... Norikazu nodded. "Letting your emotions take control of you can often..." He broke off and stared into the audience. "Hey...HEY! Hey, you!" He shot to his feet and screamed into the audience. "What the HELL are you doing with that?!? I'll take care of YOU!" He muttered something, and a ball of fire grew in his hands, then shot out into the audience. The camera tracked it, and caught a glimpse of a 'JUNZO 3:16' sign before it went up in flames. >First, Norikazu is a shugenja. It says so on his card. A shugenja is, among >other things, a spellcaster. I don't know how skilled a shugenja he is, but I >felt it was safe to assume he could handle throwing a small fireball. >Second...Yogo Junzo is the name of one of the biggest villains in Legend of >Five Rings, during the Clan War story. (Then at the end he was killed, >again.) Oddly enough, I really *did* see a 'Junzo 3:16' sign on the King of >the Ring 1998 tape. I have no idea if that's what they meant...but hey! >>I liked Yogo Junzo. He was a good character. Norikazu sat back down, glaring. Hiroshi stared in awe. "So...uh, what was that about emotions..." He swallowed his words at Norikazu's look, and turned back at the camera. "Let's look back to our match." Mai was breathing heavily, and Morrigan was hardly singed. >I guess we can just assume that during the whole fireball incident, Lilith >tagged in and then Morrigan tagged in again. >Either that or Morrigan is a lot more skilled than Mai, which I don't think >works...but Mai is losing her focus here...ah well, maybe I'm worrying too >much... >>One of the secrets to writing fights in fiction, I've found, is that it's >>usually not about who's stronger or more skilled or who's luckier. Usually >>it's about some conflict that hinges upon story elements. Once you know >>how that's going to work out, you put the punches and stuff around it. >>Or maybe that's just how I do it. >>By the way, this is kind of the classic tag team wrestling match formula... >>The only real difference is that instead of the heels keeping one face from >>tagging out, Mai is keeping HERSELF from tagging out. "Come on, Mai, tag out!" Andy pleaded from the sidelines. Mai swallowed, and turned around. Morrigan slipped over to her corner. "I get it now!" Lilith chirped, hopping into the ring. "He likes petite women better! That's why he hasn't married you!" >Lilith, of course, is quite petite. As I'm sure many of you know. Mai turned back, her eyes insane. "This is not good!" Hiroshi yelled. "Mai's fighting the whole match by herself, while Team Succubi is tagging out to rest! If Andy can't convince her to tag out..." "Mai! PLEASE tag out!" Andy yelled desperately, reaching over the ropes. "NEVER!" Mai howled, and lurched forward. "Luminous Illusion!" Lilith split into two and opened a double can of whoopass on Mai, who staggered and nearly fell. "And now the end! GLOOMY PUPPET SHOW!" She PIFFLEd into a bunny suit, and threw a top hat. Suddenly Mai was on a little stage. >Those two moves are straight from Darkstalkers III. >Except that the Gloomy Puppet Show is never actually used on Mai, for obvious >reasons. So I had to make up its effect myself... "Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena," Mai sang, "Que tu cuerpo es pa darle alegria y cosa buena." She put her hands on various parts of her body. "Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena...Hey, Macarena! I am not trying to seduce you!" Lilith giggled. "It's the Mai-carena!" >In his episode summary, Twoflower called this 'one of the most painful puns >in Ultra history'. I definitely take that as a compliment. ^_^ >I actually had an mp3 of the Macarena which I listened to (among other sound >files) when writing this chapter...it's oddly catchy. >>Yes, former self, that's the WHOLE POINT of the song. The stage disappeared. Mai's eyes rolled back in her head and she slumped to the floor. "Mai..." Andy sagged on the ropes. "The winners, and still Lambda champeens," Mario said, raising Lilith and Morrigan's hands over their heads, "MORRIGAN AND-A LILITH!" "You're cute," Lilith giggled. Mario blushed furiously. ===== "An incredible fight!" Hiroshi said, bouncing in his chair. "The Fatally Furious Fighters put up a valiant effort, but Team Succubi showed us just why they're the champions!" Norikazu yawned. "Morrigan and Lilith have apparently lived for centuries; that kind of thing just can't help but give you experience." >>Probably an L5R reference there. But it could apply to a lot of things. >>Maybe he was just playing off Hiroshi. "All right! Moving on, we have the second and final Lambda match of the evening! As you may known, challenges can be made for ANY reason competitors want, or none at all! The reason for this next challenge is a mystery! Let's go to the ring and see the matchup!" "Ladies and gentlemen..." Touga yelled, tugging on his collar. "It's my pleasure to introduce, hailing from Pallet Town...Ash Ketchum, and the most Electrifying Fighter in Ultra, PIKACHU!" Pikachu scampered cutely down the walkway to massive cheers and 'awwwws', Ash following close behind. He waved to the crowd as Peter Gabriel's 'Shock the Monkey' rolled out from the speakers. "And their opponents...If you've been watching all night, you know them already...From here in Japan, Ataru and Happosai, TEAM HENTAI!" Ataru and Happosai strutted down to the ring. They waved and grandstanded to the audience, eliciting laughter and boos, and some puzzled murmurs. Pikachu leaned over to his trainer. "Pi? Pi, pika?" "No, Pikachu, I don't know why they challenged us," Ash said, frowning. "Chuuu." Touga twitched involuntarily. Something about that rodent... >In Utena, Anshi has a little monkey...I think it's a monkey, anyway...named >'Chu-Chu'. All it says is 'Chu'. Hiroshi turned to his fellow announcer. "So Norikazu...any thoughts on just why this match is taking place?" "I could tell you, but why spoil the surprise?" Ataru and Happosai were huddled outside the ring. After a moment, Ataru climbed between the ropes, while Happosai perched on a turnbuckle, ready to tag. "Good luck, Pikachu!" Ash said. Pikachu pikachued enthusiastically and took up its place inside the ring. "This match is scheduled for one fall with a thirty minute time limit," Touga called. "And so...let the match BEGIN!" He vaulted over the ropes, and found Lilith waiting for him. >All together now...No one followed up on this angle either... ===== LAMBDA MATCH 2: ASH AND PIKACHU VS. ATARU AND HAPPOSAI Ataru swung a cricket bat tentatively. "All right, rodent! Here I come!" "Pika!" Pikachu scampered between Ataru's legs. "Hey!" Ataru spun around, and began chasing the pocket monster around the ring. "Come back here!" Ash laughed. "Who is this guy? Pikachu, give him a Thundershock!" Pikachu halted, dodged a wild swing from Ataru, and... "PIKAAAA!" *BZZZZZZZZZT* "YAAAAAGH!" Ataru twitched in the grip of the electricity. "Hah! This match is over!" Ash gloated. Pikachu stopped its Thundershock and stood there looking cute. Ataru swatted it with his cricket bat. "What? Pikachu! Say something!" "NYEEEEEAHAHAHAHA!" Ataru laughed. "Little did you know that I live with Lum, and am shocked on a daily basis! Your puny electricity is as nothing to me!" He charged. "Mou, Darling no BAKA!" someone in the audience yelled. >Yes, that's Lum in the audience. >>And yes, I'm an Urusei Yatsura fanboy. "That's it, my boy, give 'em hell!" Happosai cheered. "Pi-KA!" Pikachu ran around the ring, desperately avoiding Ataru's attacks. "Oh MY!" Hiroshi yelled. "A stunning development! It looks like Ash and Pikachu might be the one Lambda team Ataru and Happosai actually have a chance against!" "Why else would they challenge them?" Norikazu put in. "PIKA! Pika, PIKA! CHU!" The electric rodent was getting desperate. It couldn't do anything to faze Ataru, and was running out of energy. "Pikachu! Quick, tag out!" Ash yelled. Pikachu gratefully scampered over and did so. Ash climbed into the ring. "Nobody treats my Pikachu like that! Prepare to--" Ash was flipped over and slammed into the ring. Happosai hopped onto Ash's back knocked the ashes from his pipe onto Ash's head. "PIKA! PIKA, PI!" Pikachu hopped up and down on the sidelines desperately, but Ash was out cold. Mario walked over and raised Happosai's hand over his head. "The winner of this-a Lambda match...ATARU AND-A HAPPOSAI!" The crowd made a noise which could most accurately be described as an outraged squeal. "One thing people forget is that Happosai *is* a martial arts master," Hiroshi noted. "I'm afraid poor Ash didn't have a chance against him. Daisuke climbed into the ring and approached the victorious Team Hentai. "A stunning win, guys. So what's next for you?" Ataru and Happosai looked at each other. "Since we won a match, we can now challenge anyone, even the champions!" Ataru said. "You mean..." Team Hentai stuck their faces into the camera. "Morrigan and Lilith... We're coming for YOU!" they yelled. Backstage, Morrigan rolled her eyes. It figured... ===== "Ano...Kasumi-san?" >Whoops, that should have been 'Kasumi-sama'. Ah well... Kasumi turned and smiled. "Yes, Sakura-chan?" Sakura frowned. "Do you know where that package came from?" "The one you got tonight? Why, it was delivered anonymously." "But can't you...I don't know, figure out who it was from? I mean, you're God. Right?" "Being God doesn't mean you can invade other people's privacy." Sakura looked down. "Well...if you say so." Kasumi put her hand on Sakura's shoulder. "This isn't just about the package, is it, Sakura-chan?" "Well...no. ...But I don't want to bother you with my problems." Kasumi smiled. "But that's why I became God in the first place. To keep everything going smoothly. Now why don't you tell me all about it? I'm busy, but I can certainly spare a few minutes for a nice young girl like you." Sakura looked up, and smiled tentatively. "Um...thank you, Kasumi-sama." "Please, just Kasumi is fine." ===== "And now, it's time for the bonus Omega match of the evening!" Hiroshi yelled. "The grudge match extraordinaire...Lina Inverse vs. Orochi!" "A specter of the past stirs," Norikazu intoned. Hiroshi blinked. "Uh...what?" Norikazu rubbed the back of his head. "Er...sorry. Random bit of prophecy there." >Actually, I've forgotten what that was supposed to refer to... "Oh. ...Cool! Anyway, let's return to the designated Omega match subdimension, and tune in to the fight!" ===== Lina stared uneasily at the remains of the Robot Carnival. "Are you sure this is safe?" "Well," Daisuke replied, "There are no more 'natural' hazards; we made sure of that...and Sephiroth is apparently recuperating somewhere..." A dimensional portal opened, and the Orochi floated out. "...But offhand, I'd say no, it's not safe." He scampered back through the portal Lina had used, which closed behind him. "Uhoh," Lina muttered. "Well, Lina Inverse...want to give up?" The Orochi floated, his face expressionless. "Not without a fight!" Lina yelled back. "So be it." ===== OMEGA MATCH 2: LINA INVERSE VS. OROCHI Orochi opened his hands. "Come, my flames." Purple flames surrounded them. >Got that little catchphrase from an FAQ... "Flames, eh? FIREBALL!" The Orochi leaped over the fireball and kicked Lina in the shoulder. She spun around and flopped to the ground. "Go get her, Chris!" Yashiro and Shermie cheered, back in the Ultradome. The Orochi's eye twitched a little. "There is no Chris. There is only OROCHI! MIRROR SLAYING FLAME!" >Bit of a Ghostbusters reference there. "Raywing!" Lina flashed into the air, narrowly avoiding the attack. "How about this? FREEZE ARROW!" Bolts of blue tagged the Orochi, encasing his left arm in ice. His lip curled, and the ice exploded in purple flames. "My turn." The Orochi swung his fist, and a dark wave cut through the air. Lina ducked under it, rolling, and came up inches from his chest. "Dil BRANDO!" The Orochi was blasted into the air...then floated back down. "Is that all, human?" He suddenly slipped around and kicked Lina in the back. "Guh! Damn it..." Lina staggered to her feet and glared at her opponent. "Things look bad for Lina!" Hiroshi said tensely. "Is there any hope for her?" "Go ahead," the Orochi said. "I know you want to." "Darkness beyond twilight," Lina muttered... >>I wonder why I didn't put in the entire incantation? Just to keep the action >>moving along, I guess. The Orochi almost smiled. "DRAGU SLAVE!" A red and black storm of energy enveloped the Orochi, sending dust howling across the land. "I can't see a thing!" Hiroshi yelled. "Did it work? Who can survive such an attack?!?" The audience in the Ultradome held its collective breath as the cameras showed nothing but swirling sand. Then, after long moments, the dust settled... To reveal the Orochi holding Lina by the throat. "I am the God of Hate. No black magic can harm me," the Orochi intoned. "This match is over...but for a worm, you did well." Purple flames enveloped the sorceress for a moment, then she fell to the ground. >This was sort of based on Lina using a Dragon Slave on Shabranigdo in the >first Slayers series...and it didn't work because he was so eeeeeeevil. >Oh, and the 'for a worm, you did well' is straight from one of the KOF games. "The winner," Touga called, back in the Ultradome, "OROCHI!" Boos and cries of disappointment echoed through the dome. The Orochi raised his fist. "And so, the destiny of all who oppose me..." His fist flashed downward. There was an explosion of light and dust. "My GODDESS!" Hiroshi yelled. "What has Orochi done to Lina Inverse?!?" More tense moments as dust spun in the eyes of the cameras. And then it cleared... Orochi's fist had impacted solidly on Goku's chest. "It's SON GOKU!" Hiroshi yelled, and the Ultradome was rocked by cheers. "He's stopped Orochi from going too far!" Goku smiled. "Want some more, then?" The Orochi and Goku stared at each other for several seconds. Then the Orochi stepped back, and lowered his hand. "Too bad." Goku gently picked up the unconscious Lina. "Maybe some other time." He grinned, and vanished. >More on this in a moment. The Orochi stared into the camera, then disappeared as well. ===== "Ladies and gentlemen, I have to say that that was the most INTENSE match I've seen in all of Ultra!" Hiroshi cried, mopping his forehead. "Want me to tell you how the rest of the matches will turn out?" Norikazu offered. "Maybe it'll cut down on your stress." "For those of you who might be wondering," Hiroshi said, ignoring his fellow announcer, "Goku was referring to a fight he had with the Orochi earlier in the week. Details will soon be available at..." He squinted at the teleprompter. "Our website, as an, 'omake'. ...Hopefully that makes more sense to you than it does to me. Can we get that website graphic again?" -=http://www.pixelscapes.com/improfanfic/=- >This eventually turned out as Dan Mastriani's 'Goku vs. Orochi! The Super >Awesome Battle!' >>The other funny thing here is that this was supposed to make it seem like >>the URL was being shown as an animated title on the screen. And, of course, >>that's no longer the right URL for Ultra... "Awesome! Well, it's getting close to the end here at Ultra; it's now time for our second-to-last match, and it's a doozy: A Gamma title match! And remember--after this, the debut of our new TOTALLY NAKED FIGHTER!" "Ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to introduce this Gamma title match!" Touga yelled, to the roars of the crowd. "First, the challenger, from here in Japan, the Junior Martial Arts Prodigy...SHINGO YABUKI!" The 'Lost in Space' theme pulsed, as Shingo walked jauntily down to the ring, wavily cheerily at the crowds, who gave him a warm welcome. "And the champion..." Touga looked around, then leaned over the ropes to face Lilith. "I don't suppose you've seen the champion around here anywhere?" ===== Five minutes ago, a sweatdrop broke out on Ranma's head. "Shampoo...this really isn't the time. I have to fight a match!" "But airen...is important!" Shampoo said, her eyes big and moist. "If you not marry Shampoo, then Shampoo might have to marry big, ugly, hairy Canadian!" >She's talking about Wolverine, of course. "I'm marry you, Shampoo," Mousse offered, from where he was holding the door closed to the screaming legions of Ranma's fans. "Well, of course I don't want that to happen...but I can't marry anyone! I mean, my life is just too weird!" "Shampoo not mind," Shampoo replied. "And you already marry Akane." Ranma's eyes bulged. "I did WHAT?" "You know. When you were child. Your fathers did." Ranma blinked. "...Oh. You mean I was *engaged* to her. But that's different..." >Bit of a language barrier there. Shampoo sighed, her shoulders slumping. "You hate Shampoo..." "No I don't, Shampoo!" Ranma sweated again as Shampoo's expression perked up. "It's just...there's a lot of space between 'not hate' and 'marry', you know?" Shampoo took Ranma's hands, and looked deep into his eyes. "Ranma...Shampoo...Shampoo wants...Shampoo will..." Her face screwed up. "(AAARGH! I hate this damn language!)" she yelled in Chinese, and ran out of the room. >Yes, that's right. Nobody followed up on this angle either... >>I liked this little bit because it put across the idea that just because >>someone can't speak a language completely, it doesn't make them stupid. >>...Okay, Shampoo's a LITTLE stupid, but not as much as you might think. >>Having her speak in Chinese was hopefully jarring to the reader that assumed >>she was an idiot. >>However, now that I think about it, I'm not entirely sure where I expected >>this little story thread to go... Ranma stared at the remains of his door, and the piles of unconscious fans. He sighed. "Time for the match..." ===== The Ranma 1/2 first opening theme, 'Jajauma ni Sasenaide', began to play as the reigning Gamma Division champion sprinted down the walkway. "Ah, here's our champion," Touga said, adjusting his collar. "From right here in Tokyo, please welcome the Anything-Goes Warrior, Ranma Saotome!" Ranma leaped into the ring and adopted a battle stance. "Okay, let's go!" "The match is scheduled for one fall, with a thirty minute time limit! And...BEGIN!" Touga jumped out of the ring, yet again. "Wow! It's such an honor to be fighting you!" Shingo exclaimed. Ranma's ego swelled. "Hey, think nothing of it." >>Hmmm, that's kind of a "telling instead of showing" error there. Hmmm. ===== GAMMA MATCH 3: SHINGO YABUKI VS. RANMA SAOTOME "Come on, let's see what you're made of!" Ranma smirked. "Okay! Let's see...uh..." Shingo flipped through his book. Ranma sweatdropped. "Uh...what are you doing?" "Okay, I got it now!" Shingo lunged forward, bringing his leg up in an axe kick. Ranma sidestepped. "What's the book for?" "Oh, it's how I remember moves!" He beamed. A rather evil thought flitted into Ranma's moves. "Oh, really? So you try to write down all the moves you see?" "That's right!" Ranma grinned. "Want me to show you some?" Shingo's eyes sparkled. "Oh, wow...Could you?" "No problem! Watch this!" Ranma focused his ki, and a large red sphere sprang into existence. "MOUKO TAKABISHA!" "WOW!" Shingo yelped. "That's AWESOME! Let me write that down..." "Hey, you want to see another one?" "Of course!" "This one takes a lot of training to master...but maybe you can do it. KACHUU TENSHIN AMAGURI KEN!" Ranma's fists flew through the air faster than the eye could see. "Incredible!" Shingo cried, writing furiously. "And here's one I call the 'Open Guard Punch!' "Check! The Open Guard...huh?" Ranma punched him in the stomach. "Sorry, man, but you left your guard way open. I thought you should know." Shingo staggered to his feet, gasping. "That's...that's not..." "Fair?" Ranma grinned. "This *is* a battle, you know." "An incredible display of skill and, uh, tactics by Ranma!" Hiroshi yelled. Shingo's eyes gleamed. "All right...take THIS!" He lunged forward with another punch-- And Ranma hit him in the stomach again. "How long have you been studying martial arts?" Ranma asked curiously. Shingo wheezed. "Just...a few...years..." "Really? Well, you're pretty good. Me, I've been training since I could walk..." >I wasn't *really* able to find out how long Shingo's been studying martial >arts, but I felt it was a safe assumption...and would give Ranma a big edge >over him. Shingo blinked...and kneeled in front of Ranma. "I concede!" Ranma blinked. Shingo raised his head. "But in return...please teach me!" Ranma fell to the mat face-first. ===== "What a surprise!" Hiroshi yelled, enjoying himself immensely. "Shingo has petitioned to become Ranma's student!" "The winner," Mario called from the ring, raising Ranma's hand over his head, "And still Gamma Division-a champeen...RANMA SAOTOME!" "And the crowd loves it!" Hiroshi continued. "I think they're cheering both of these two fine competitors. What do you think, Norikazu?" "I think that was a very good depiction of Shiba's loss to Doji... something we can all learn from," Norikazu noted. >That was a reference to a story in the "background mythology" of Legend of >the Five Rings. See, it's like this...There were a number of gods who fell >to the Earth and held a competition to see which one would rule the others... >Shiba (who eventually founded the Phoenix Clan) lost to Doji (who eventually >founded the Crane Clan) because Shiba waited too long, gaining too much >information from Doji's movements. I found that hard to understand, so I >tried to nail it down in this chapter...just as a small personal project. Hiroshi blinked. "...Uh...yeah. ...Anyway...Now it's what you've all been waiting for! The final match of the night, and the debut of this week's new fighter!" "This is what you've all been waiting for, ladies and gentlemen!" Touga yelled over the massive cheers. "The final match of the evening! Our first competitor..." Electronic drum beats echoed through the dome. "From Hong Kong, Master of Saikyo-Style Shotokan Karate...Please welcome STONE COLD DAN HIBIKI!" Dan rolled down the walkway to a huge cheer, pink fireworks exploding around him. He rolled to his feet near the edge of the ring and clenched his fist, manly tears streaming down his face. "OYAJIIIIIII!!!" The crowd went wild. Dan hoisted himself into the ring and started to roll around, coming up to wave to the crowd every now and then. "That wacky Dan...you gotta love 'im!" Hiroshi exclaimed. "You do?" Norikazu asked. >Well, everyone does, it seems... "And his opponent," Touga continued, "From the darkest corners of the Demon Realm..." A rock and roll guitar pulsed from the speakers as a figure in a hooded cloak stole down the walkway towrad the ring. "Please welcome..." The figure launched into the air and landed on the turnbuckle...then threw its cloak to the side. "FELICIA!" o/~ They give me Cat Scratch Fever...Cat Scratch Fever o/~ >Fortunately, after this song was suggested to me, I was able to find a small >I found a small sample from this song on the web. Felicia yawned, and waved cutely. "Hiii minna-san!" >That's basically her 'fight start' animation. The crowd went wild. Somewhere around the 30th row, a hulking green guy roared his approval. Even in the sold-out dome, there was a clear space around him. >Look, it's Blanka! This is a reference to Felicia's ending in the first >Darkstalkers game, I think it was... >>Did I mention I was a Blanka fanboy? Dan stopped rolling. "Oh, it's Felicia-chan." Felicia dropped into the ring and smiled. "Hi Dan-san!" >They know each other from Pocket Fighter, you see. "Felicia...you must realize that I will not hold back, no matter how cute and cuddly you may be!" Dan clenched his fist. "Because I am a warrior, with a warrior's heart! OYAJIIIII!!!" >For some reason, I just love that line. Dan's pretty easy to write over the >top... Felicia giggled. "Oh, what a sweet thing to say, Dan-san! I won't hold back either!" "This match is schedule for one fall, thirty minute time limit!" Touga called. "And so...let the battle BEGIN!" He vaulted out of the ring, for the last time that night. Manly tears streamed down Dan's face. "And so it begins! I will win this match, for the honor of my father and the Saikyo-Ryu school of Shotokan! All who stand in my way will be defeated, because I...AM...MIGHTY! OYUAJIIII!!!" ===== "The winner...FELICIA!" Felicia winked at the camera, standing over the unconscious form of Dan. >At this point, I was pressed for time. So I thought, what the hell... "Well, I guess you didn't have to be a seer to see how that one would turn out," Hiroshi noted. "But it helped," Norikazu put in. "And Dan is now in contention with Sofia and Johnny Cage for the title of Biggest Loser in Ultra! How will this three-cornered fight turn out?" "And does anyone care?" "Well, that's all the time we have for this week! Wasn't it a BLAST? Norikazu, thanks for being here, you were great!" Norikazu shook Hiroshi's hand. "Glad to be here, Hiroshi-san." He sighed. "Back to ranting about nothing..." He stood up and walked off. >In the Hidden Emperor storyline, Norikazu rants a lot about 'nothing'... >meaning the Shadow. But anyway... "Ah, it feels good to be back," Daisuke said, slumping down in the newly vacated chair. "Daisuke! My main man!" Hiroshi greeted. "How was the beat?" Daisuke fixed Hiroshi with a stare. "I'm never doing that again." Even though he hadn't had anything to do with it, Hiroshi sweated. "Er... right. Well..." He turned back to the camera. "That's all for today, ladies and gentlemen! See you next week on Magical Troubleshooting Crossover Fighting Federation ULTRA! Say goodnight, Daisuke!" >"Goodnight, Daisuke!" "That one's old." The camera faded out on Hiroshi's frown. ===== Somewhere backstage, Ranma stared at a monitor. "...C...C...C-c...ca..." >This was the *only* reason I introduced Felicia...to have someone who'd pose >a real danger to Ranma, given his ailurophobia. >But I think you can all guess what happened... ===== ][ ULTRA EPISODE 5 RESULTS RECAP: ][ GAMMA MATCH 1: TATEWAKI KUNOU defeats JOHNNY CAGE, now 1W/1L ][ NON-LEAGUE EXHIBITION MATCH: DAVID defeats GAMBIT ][ OMEGA MATCH 1: EVANGELION UNIT 01/IKARI SHINJI defeat SEPHIROTH, now 2W/0L ][ GAMMA MATCH 2: SAKURA defeats SOFIA, now 2W/0L ][ SAKURA now Sexiest Woman in Gamma Division >Oh, I also wanted to have more 'titles', like the 'Most Electrifying Fighter' >and stuff... >>And Biggest Loser. I pushed that as much as I could. I like those >>"unofficial" sort of titles. ][ LAMBDA MATCH 1: MORRIGAN and LILITH defeat ANDY and MAI, now 2W/0L ][ MORRIGAN and LILITH keep Lambda Division belt ][ LAMBDA MATCH 2: ATARU and HAPPOSAI defeat ASH and PIKACHU, now 1W/1L ][ OMEGA MATCH 2: OROCHI defeats LINA INVERSE, now 1W/0L ][ GAMMA MATCH 3: RANMA SAOTOME defeats SHINGO YABUKI, now 2W/0L ][ RANMA SAOTOME keeps Gamma Division belt ][ NEW FIGHTER INTRODUCED: FELICIA ][ GAMMA MATCH 4: FELICIA defeats STONE COLD DAN HIBIKI, now 1W/0L ][ GUEST STARS and CAMEOS: MANY! ][ HIDDEN FIGHTS: KODACHI VS. MARIO, GENDO VS. SEELE, SAKURA VS. HERSELF, ][ SHINJI VS. HIMSELF ][ Next scheduled author : Aaron Peori ===== Here are some new songs...partly because the new characters need them, and partly because I like associating songs to people. Kasumi: "My Heart Iidasenai" by Goddess Family Club, aka the AMG OP >Sung by Inoue Kikuko, even...it's just perfect for her! ^_^ Felicia: "Cat Scratch Fever" by Ted Nugent David: "Scarred" by Dream Theater Mario: "Jump Around" by House of Pain Myself: "Info High" by Sharon Apple >"If we get the transient facts...then we'll feel the info high..." o/~ >>Yeah, I put in a song describing myself. I'm not sure why, really. Kaoru: "Revolution" by Masami Okui and Toshiro Yabuki...aka the Utena OP ;) >Listen to the lyrics. They're perfect for him. Plus I absolutely love the >music. And the whole series, in fact. >>Well, read the subtitled lyrics, anyway... ===== Bibliography: WWF King of the Ring 1998 (I swear I saw a Junzo 3:16 sign in the audience) Various King of Fighters FAQs by Joe Palanca and the Cool Creations Crew The Story of the King of Fighters Tournament by Kailu Lantis (a document containing the immortal sentence "Everybody and the cat must be of Orochi blood!") >So I gave David some... The Vampire Savior FAQ by Kenichiro Tanaka The online lecture notes of General Astronomy, provided by Prof. John D. Fix, Dept. of Physics and Astronomy at the University of Iowa, http://www-astro.physics.uiowa.edu/~jdf/, which let me come up with the figure 'two hundred years' (obsessive? me? nah...) The rest of Ultra, and innumerable anime and video games! ===== Thanks to: Twoflower, for starting this story, writing Beta, putting up with me (I hope), and generally being an incredibly cool guy SD Ed for commenting on some of my Ultra ideas >>aka Eduardo Dilag. Deuce, from whose "Orochi's Curse" story I wanted to steal an idea but ran out of time...and for being nice enough to listen to me babble about the story >The idea I wanted to steal was Kunou falling for Mai. But that didn't make it >into the final story... Dan Mastriani, for the omake which will hopefully soon be acoompanying this story >I mentioned that already... Rich Wulf, for his awesome Legend of the Five Rings fanfics (from which I shamelessly stole the phrase 'Norikazu's Rave') Brian Kallenbach, who had the idea of going to a WWF event with a 'Toturi 3:16' sign The KeyGrip guys for their M3 Highlights Reel, which made me want to use 'Jump Around' for something >The M3 Highlights Reel Quake movie is really fun. One part shows a whole >bunch of rocket jumps, with 'Jump Around' playing. Awesome video. Toufuu-sensei@RanmaMUCK for Felicia's song Nullsoft, for WinAmp, so I didn't have to write in a vacuum And ny dear friend Mark, just for bein' himself. >Mark's a cool guy. >>His LiveJournal username is "malakim". ===== Author's note: Damn, that was hard. I don't think I've ever done that much research for a story. Hopefully, though, it was worth it... [Editor's Now Obligatory Note : There is one legal law bent here... David technically shouldn't be allowed to fight in a main Ultra part. By Law #3, cameos and guest stars not in the leagues have to stay non-combatative, IE, not be in any fights in the ring. Omake can allow this (basically anything goes in omake, because they're not binding in results) but main parts... not a groovy thing. >>This was all written by Twoflower, of course. Howevah, A) Pulling the part on THAT would be dumb and B) The grudge match was set up in a past part so it's only natural for it to happen now and C) It doesn't really wreck anything and D) John was such a nice boy to work on this AND the latest Do-Gooders at the same time... so it'll slide. :) >The main reason I did it was B)...it was set up in a past part and nobody had >addressed it since, so I decided to. ...And it let me set up a neat angle or >two, of course. >I actually got a couple extensions so that if I started work on DG the day >after Ultra was due, I got exactly one week to work on each of them. So that >really wasn't an issue... Future authors, though, try to keep the fights to sanctioned folk only. Punking someone backstage is different, of course. ^_^;] >>That's all for that one, then.