>GWG #2 Exposed! By John Evans, jevans@alum.mit.edu >Beware the Radish >http://www.chaoseed.com/btr/ GIRLS WITH GUNS, or how I carried on after staying up until 3:30 AM >Notice I'm trying to build a quirk here, kind of like FW's 'Copyright >Nihana-san' gag. Every tradition has to start somewhere, after all. The Improbable Adventures of Improfanfic's Co-Mascots Started By: David Kelk, dkelk@sympatico.ca This Chapter By: John Evans, jevans@datablast.net >This is my *old* email address. My *current* address is up at the top of this >fic. Hosted at: Improfanfic, http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic/ Episode Two: Half-Lives and References >'Half-Lives' will be explained later. References should be self-explanatory. >^_^; >And Improfanfic is now at http://www.improfanfic.com/... Author's Note: ...wait, I don't have anything to say. Never mind. >I basically copied that whole 'title' portion from #1, and modified it to >suit my needs. Then I realized that I didn't have anything to say...but hey, >this was GWG! So I said I didn't have anything to say. ===== Aika opened the door to the apartment and walked in, Becky close behind. She threw a package on a nearby chair, and headed for the kitchentte. "Want a drink or anything?" she called over her shoulder. >In #1 they talk about going to Aika's apartment in a townhouse, so... Becky closed the door, looking around alerty. "No thanks. Wow, what a cool apartment! It reminds me of my living room." She moved over to a table cluttered with guns, bullets, silencers, and other assorted "fast moving bits of metal" paraphernalia. Aika closed the fridge door, a can of Jolt in her hand. "Your living room?" "Yeah, I still live with my parents, and...well, I sort of inherited my interest in guns from them." Becky shrugged, and smiled. "They've always got a few spare weapons lying around." She picked up a barrel that wasn't attached to any particular gun, and peered through it. "You don't happen to watch anime, do you?" >On the other hand, nothing was mentioned about where Becky lived, so I was >free to nail it down. Aika shuddered. "No my real life is weird enough." Becky laughed. "Oh, I know exactly what you mean! ...But I still can't help it, I've been hooked on the stuff for years." She picked up a silencer and tried to fit it to the barrel. "But you can find lots of people who like anime. For some reason, though, I've never found anyone I can talk to about this kind of stuff with." She smiled, then grimaced. "Except my parents, of course, and they don't count." >Kind of the point here is that Becky's room has to be crammed with anime >paraphernalia. That's why she says the guns and stuff remind her of her >living room. ^_^; Aika laughed. "Wow. My parents are afraid of me, I think." She took a swig of Jolt. Becky smiled, then looked around some more. "Say, what's in the package?" She walked over and picked it up. "Is it from the Kei Fin Muk Production Company?" Aika asked in between chugging. "Did you say Kei Fin Muk?" "Yeah." >Okay, rather dumb yet obscure pun here. Spin the consonants of that to the >right one place and you get 'Mei Kin Fuk'. "Did you say Mei Kin Fuk?" If you >don't get it, say it out loud and if you *still* don't get it, go back and >watch Clerks again. >Get it now? Ho ho ho...I kill me. Becky peered at the return address. "Yeah, it is." Aika nodded. "Another movie from a couple of friends of mine. You can open it if you want." She flopped into a chair and put her feet up on the gun table. >Of course, the whole point is that in #1 David Kelk said Itami and H were >making low-budget smut movies somewhere in Southeast Asia. So I figured, hey, >maybe they send Aika free copies, just for old times' sake? "You have friends that make movies? Sugoi!" Becky tore open the package and came up with a VHS cassette. Aika felt a drop of sweat breaking out on her head. "Well...it's sort of like they star in them..." "Wow! That's so...cool!" Becky turned the tape over. "'Wet and Wild IV'?" >Not the most creative porn title...but it was about 4 AM at this point. ^_^; "Er...actually, I just remembered that we should be going," Aika said, snatching the tape from Becky's hands and throwing it on a stack of similar ones. Becky blinked. "Oh? Where to?" Aika grinned. "Where else? To find Cuthulu." >The whole point of the story (well, one of them) is that David Kelk >misspelled Cthulhu as Cuthulu all through #1. So I poked a bit of fun at him >by making it into a plot point. That's me, Master of Meaningful Typos. >David, if you ever read this...no hard feelings, I hope? ^_^; ===== The door suddenly burst off its hinges. Aika stepped through and posed. "Avon calling?" >Damn it, that was supposed to be an exclamation point. ...Anyway, "Avon >calling!" is something Yoi says in MGH #1. "Do you have any hand lotion?" the man inside said. "My skin is chafing. It's all this bathing, you see." He was, in fact, in a bath in the time, but fortunately for the sanity of the invading title characters, it was a bubble bath. >I think this was kind of inspired by the Dark Schneider censoring gags in >Ultra #10... Aika leveled her favorite nine millimeter handgun at the guy. "We want to know--" >Favorite nine millimeter, as first seen in MGH #6, and I had Yoi think about >it (so it became a sort of plot point) in #23. "We? We who?" the man queried. "Her, and me!" Becky exclaimed, jumping through the door and posing even more dramatically than Aika had. "Wow! Those are awesome costumes! Where can I get some?" Aika rolled her eyes. "They're magical." "Oh, okay. I'll have to find my tomes of ancient knowledge..." "That's beside the point!" Aika snapped. "We're here to find Cuthulu!" The man in the bath blinked. "Excuse me?" "Cuthulu," Becky said helpfully. The man put a finger to his chin. "Cuthulu? I don't know any Cuthulu!" "Don't play innocent!" Aika said. "You were at that party! I remember!" "I do remember seeing you at a party," the man said, "and a fine party it was, the Life Savers were excellent that night, wouldn't you agree?" "I don't care!" Aika yelled. "I wasn't talking to you," he said peevishly. "Anyway, there certainly wasn't any Cuthulu there." >He was talking to the duck... "He's hard to miss," Becky put in. "Big green guy with an octopus for a head?" The man put his finger to his chin again. "Hmmm...that doesn't really narrow it down...oh! Wait a moment! Do you perhaps mean *Cthulhu*?" Aika and Becky shared a blink. "Isn't that what I said?" Aika said. The man shook his head emphatically, his spiky hair bouncing around. "Oh, no, you said 'Cuthulu', not 'Cthulhu'." "WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?!?" Aika shouted. Becky looked askance at her. "Well, I'm sure it makes a lot of difference to *him*," the man said. "I mean, how would you like it if...what's your name, miss?" "They call me Pretty Deadly," Aika growled. "...how would you like it if someone called you Pretty Deafly? Hm? I bet you wouldn't like that would you?" "All right," Becky cut in before Aika could respond, "We meant Cthulhu. Now can you tell us where he is?" "Hmmm..." Aika leveled the gun at the bath. "Tell us or I'll shoot your duck." The man clutched the duck to his chest. "No! You can't!" >I think he was perfectly willing to tell them, but he has to follow narrative >rules here. ^_^; "Try me," Aika suggested. The man considered for a moment. "Well...okay. On Tuesdays you can find him at a club called the Half-Lives. I've no idea why he hangs out out there, since it's so boring. Everyone there isn't much of anyone, you see. I like it, however, since there's so much possibility." His eyes twinkled. "Thanks," Becky said. "Sorry to have disturbed you." They walked back over the door, guns still held ready. "Come back anytime!" the man said, waving cheerily. "I take a bath every night at 9 PM!" He looked at his rubber duck. "Well, that was interesting, wasn't it Mr. Duck? I hope they come back...or maybe we could go see them sometime!" He commenced washing his duck with some puke green soap. >In case you didn't get it, this was Controversial Jack. ^_^; ===== The motorcycle pulled up outside the Half-Lives. Becky bounced off, while Aika took her time, examining the front of the club. "Wow, that was great!" Becky exclaimed. "I think you do really well as the 'bad cop'!" "Er...yeah," Aika said, feeling another sweatdrop break out. "Well... let's go in..." At the door, the bouncer, a bearded guy in some sort of radiation suit, stopped them. "Are you ladies 21?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Yessir," Aika said. "Really? Let's see some identification then." "Of course," Aika said sweetly, and cocked a handgun under his chin. "How's this? Can you identify it?" "...uh...you can go on in," he said. "Thank you, niisan," Aika said, and entered. "Wow! That was so cool!" Becky chirped, and followed her. The bouncer shook his head. "Maybe I should go back to New Mexico, aliens or not..." >This guy's actually...well, to tell you the truth, I forgot his name, but >he's supposed to be the person you control in Half-Life. Radiation suit, >aliens, New Mexico... ===== The inside of the club was hazy. Indistinct forms huddled around tables, and a quartet of musicans played a lazy jazz number on a stage. >Now, here's the deal with Half-Lives. I noticed that there seem to be a rash >of 'alternate personalities' and such in different Impros...So, I created >this club where these alternate personalities could get together and have a >few drinks and commiserate about being 'half-lives'. >'half-life', of course, refers to the amount of time it takes for half of a >radioactive substance to decay. But we all knew that, right? "Do you see him?" Aika muttered to Becky. "No, not yet," Becky whispered back. "Maybe we should ask around." They began to circulate, listening to the conversations for a likely informant. At one table, two shadowy forms with whitish hair were talking to each other. "So he won't even kiss her," one said. "It really gets on my nerve how he acts so noble and faithful and crap." >That's Zellar's demonic half from Dark Star, first introduced in #6 (entitled >'When the Two Halves Rejoin'). Another clue comes in a few lines when I say >he has pale blue hair. The other nodded. "Yeah, it sucks when they're so rational." >That's Renaku's unnamed 'irrational' side from Vampire Legend R, first >introduced in #8. Another clue comes in a few lines when I say he has silver >hair. (I'm assuming he looks more or less exactly like Renaku, although in >the actual story he's just a disembodied voice...) "Excuse me," Becky interposed. "Have either of you seen Cthulhu around?" "That bloated octopus?" The first speaker snorted. His hair was a sort of pale blue. "Do I look like I care about him?" "Why are you asking us?" the second said. His hair was long and silvery. "Well, we heard he comes here every Tuesday night," Aika said. "Gee, how logical. Get outta here, you're getting on my nerves." The silver-haired one scowled, and tossed back his dark red drink. >He's irrational, so he doesn't like logic. He also drinking something that's >a dark red. See? "Let's move on," Becky murmured, and steered Aika away before she could get mad. At another table a man in a full tuxedo and cape seems to be being comforted by both a translucent girl with black hair in a long braid, and a succession of drinks that come with little umbrellae. >Now this really bewilders me...I slipped into present tense for a bit...But >I never write in present tense. I never want to. It's weird. I guess the >lack of sleep was affecting me more than I'd thought. Anyway, this is Koi >from MGH, first introduced in #18 (which I wrote), and Gina from the Mystery >Maniac Theater Y3K #1 DG Omake. Read it to see why she qualifies as a half- >life. >Also notice that I used 'umbrellae' as the plural of 'umbrella'. Whee. ^_^; "I mean...he was obnoxious and paranoid...but he had his good side too... and he was all I had!" The tuxedo-ed man threw back another drink. "There, there," the girl said. "I know it must be hard..." "Excuse me," Becky said politely. The pair turned to look at them, and suddenly Aika sprang forward. "It's you!" she babbled. "I thought you were--" He held up a hand. "I'm sorry, miss, but I'm not him anymore." Aika stopped, looking confused. "But then...who are you?" He shrugged. "It's a long story. But you should forget about him, you know that." Aika looked at the floor. "Yeah...I know..." >They're talking about Yoi from MGH, of course. Becky and the translucent girl shared some baffled looks. "Uh...anyway," Becky said after a moment, "Do you have any idea where Cthulhu might be?" They shook their heads. "Sorry," the girl offered. "Okay...thanks anyway." She took Aika gently by the arm and steered her away. "Um...Aika? You okay?" Aika nodded, still looking down. "Yeah, just, something about my old boyfriend. It's nothing." She rubbed her eyes. "Okay..." Becky said uncertainly. "Uh, excuse me, ladies?" The girls blinked and looked up. Confronting them were two young men that looked remarkably similar, with long brown hair in ponytails and small beards. One had an arrogant smirk on his face and was dressed in a navy sweatshirt and jeans, the other (who had spoken) had a rather more pleasant expression, and was wearing a long gray robe. >These guys are two of *my* alternate personalities. They both look like me. >^_^; Except that Cover (the arrogant-looking one) is dressed the way I >actually dress, and Wizard (in the robe) dresses...like a wizard. >At one point I had plans for putting Cover in some starter or other, but I >don't really remember what they were. Wizard, well...no plans for him yet. >How I thought them up in the first place is a long story. "Yes?" Becky said, after scrutinizing the pair. "We seem to be hearing that you're looking for one Cthulhu," the arrogant- looking one said. The girls nodded. "Do you know where he is?" Aika asked. "Well, it's not as simple as that," the robed one said, wagging his head. The girls stared. "You must have heard somewhere that Cthulhu would be here on Tuesday, right?" the arrogant-looking one said again. "Yes, we did," Becky replied. "Well," the robed one said, "is today Tuesday?" Aika and Becky looked at each other. "I...don't know," Becky said. "Well, I mean...it's...well, it should be...right?" Aika said, sounding confused. "But *is* it?" the robed guy said. "How do you expect to accomplish anything if you don't know what day it is?" the arrogant-looking one sneered. "Damn it, this sucks!" Aika yelled. "Why the hell don't we know what day it is?" >The point is that David hadn't said which day it was in #1, and I didn't want >to say which day it was either...so nobody knows. ^_^; This is kind of a poke >at DG, where I was writing a part (I think #34) and the authors had totally >lost track of what day of the week it was, so I agonized over it and finally >nailed down which day it was, hoping I wasn't causing any continuity errors. The two men looked at each other. "We could answer that, but you'd probably go insane," the arrogant one said. >The point being that he'd have to tell them they were just characters in a >story. "The thing is that you have to have someone *decide* what day it is," the robed one said. The girls stared at them for a while. "Well...then I decide it's Tuesday and the pusbag is here!" Aika declared. The arrogant-looking young man grinned arrogantly, and the one in the robe looked apologetic. "It's not that simple," they said simulatenously, then vanished. >You have to have an *author* say what day it is. "Now for some real User >power..." --Flynn, "Tron" Aika and Becky looked at each other. "Well, what the hell do we do NOW?" Aika exclaimed. "I'll buy you a drink, toots," the guy with pale blue hair said. >Now, in #3, Arthur Monteath-Carr says that this guy's named Jim, and he tries >to pick up Becky. Nothing wrong with that, except that I was trying to imply >that he was Zellar's demon half from a bit earlier in the fic. So I think we >should all just assume that I say "a guy with pale blue hair" here, instead >of "the guy with pale blue hair", so it all works out. Author's Afterwards: >This was, again, in a format copied straight from #1. Well, that wasn't too bad for slightly more than an hour, was it? Or perhaps it was. At least I got to run a few jokes into the ground. This story was written from about 3:30 AM (see that bit at the beginning?) to about 4:40 AM. With no editing. I don't feel like editing, I'm tired. ...okay, I went back and noticed two typos that I fixed, but that's it. Really. Spot the Impro Characters! There are 5 in this chapter (other than the title characters), but 4 are 'half-lives', and one of those is only from an omake. (A quarter-life?) >Well, I explained all this...So now you know. >That's all for that one, then.