>Do-Gooders #19 Exposed! by John Evans, jevans@alum.mit.edu >Beware the Radish >http://www.chaoseed.com/btr/ >This was, I believe, my second Impro chapter ever (after MGH #12). From >last-modified times of the files, this chapter seems to have been written on >or before March 2nd, 1999. DO-GOODERS The Proactive Teen Superhero Team With No X Anywhere In Their Title A FanArt HQ / Spoof Chase ImproFanfic http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic >Notice the old ImproFanfic URL. Episode Nineteen: Malnutrition! Where's a fast food restaurant when you need one? >By this point the Slayers-esque chapter titles had been well established. >I had a hard time thinking up this title...it eventually came down to the >gang's search for food in the Darkverse. ^_^; by John Evans (jevans@datablast.net) >And my old email address, no longer extant... Do-Gooders started by Stefan Gagne ===== WHEN WE LAST SAW OUR HEROES... >Oh, my. I was pretty inexperienced at this point, and kind of fanboyish as >well, so this chapter tends to be a bit...loose? ^_^; ...Ah, hell (stop firing!) I'm not doing another run-on summary. If you >Egad, on with the obscure references. Well, this is a joke relating to one >specific episode of Babylon 5. Ivanova is in charge of a ship piloted by >Minbari, none of whom speak English (except Lennier, who may have been along >for the ride). At one point Ivanova gets frustrated and yells "Ah, hell!". >The ship immediately begins to fire its weapons into space. Someone informs >her that "Ah hell" is Minbari for the order "Continuous fire"... *really* can't stand in medias res, go back and read the previous chapters. >"in medias res", of course, means coming in in the middle of the action and >trying to figure out what's going on from context. It's actually a classic >storytelling technique. >Who would start reading with #19, anyway? ^_^; (Except people reading this >Exposed! version, perhaps...) I've spent a hell of a lot of time on this mother already...And the rest of the chapter took a lot of writing too. What do you take me for? Huh? Yeah, >This is a reference to Matsuro's mother, who shows up a bit later. YOU! YOU CAN'T KICK ME AROUND LIKE...oh, hey, I didn't...aw, stop that. No, it's okay. Here, have a Kleenex. There...(sigh) All right, I'll do a summary, but only a short one. Yes, really. Okay, you can stop jumping around now. >I don't really know why I wrote it like this. ^_^; Anyway... Almost all our characters were in the Darkverse. Tejina, Becky, Kireiko and Aki had been captured, but Aki was browbeating the Queen during a tea party while the others were languishing in what are sure to be rather nasty dungeons...or maybe not. The final member of the band, Matsuro, was off on a date with Keiko, while the dwaves Balin and Dalin tailed them, hoping to get their hands on the missing Swords of Duality back before being forced to eat enough Asgard Crispies to send away for more. Finally, Villyn and his nifty minions were traveling to the Darkverse to rescue the aforementioned Aki who, by a possibly staggering coincidence, was actually his daughter. >The only odd thing about this strategy is that Aki being Villyn's daughter >was part of the plot from the first chapter, so the idea of it being a >"coincidence" is absurd... Happy? ===== Tejina glared at the youma as it swung her cell door shut with a clang. This had not been a good day. >Ooh, double lines between paragraphs. Haven't seen that in a while... She should have known the day was going to turn out badly when she didn't didn't have time to finish showering and had to answer the door in the... >nude morning. The concert had gone okay...until the Darkverse youma attacked, *and* the Hello Cthulhus attacked, AND Villyn and his giant robot attacked, and THEN that creep had kidnapped Aki, who was a lot nicer than you might expect from her parentage, and then Matsuro had DITCHED them in the middle of the Darkverse to go on a DATE, and then they had been CAPTURED and stuck in these dungeon cells, and they weren't even proper dungeon cells just drab little ROOMS with cots and bars, and finally to top it all off she hadn't had anything to EAT since LAST NIGHT!!! (That should hold the run-on sentence fans...) >This is a Do-Gooders running gag, with the run-on sentences. ^_^; Tejina spun around to face Becky. "Agent BA-3, we've got to get out of here!" she proclaimed. >You gotta know how to talk to these federal agents. "Leave it to me," Becky replied, pulling out sunglasses and a little device and stepping up to the bars. Tejina stepped back. "Guard!" Becky yelled, pounding on the bars. After a moment, a hunched purple thing shambled over. "Whut?" it grunted. "Would you look at this, please?" Becky said, turning dials. When it did, she pressed a button. FLASH! >It's the MiB Neuralizer, yep. "We are not humans." Becky pulled off her sunglasses. "We are youma who look like humans and were put in here by mistake, and you should let us out right now so we can go about our business." The youma blinked at her. "No." Becky stared at it. "What?" she asked after a moment. "Me say no. You humans. Me too smart for tricks." It grinned at her, looking pleased with itself. "Becky, what are you doing? Why doesn't your thing work on it?" Tejina hissed, managing to make it sound like Becky's fault. "I...I don't know," Becky stammered. "Maybe...this thing's brain is too different. The neuralizer is made to work on humans." She frowned. "But it worked on the other one...and that one looked human. Maybe some youma are more like humans than others. Maybe some humans way back even interbred with youma when they came to the Darkverse, and only some of them have enough human genes to have comparable memory structures. Is that possible?..." >This is just random speculation on my part. I didn't want them to get out of >the cells that easily, so I just threw out a bunch of interesting ideas. >(Well, *I* thought they were interesting...) The youma blinked. Its brow furrowed. You could almost hear the strain as it tried to think harder than it had ever thought before. Waves of heat arose from its scalp and made the air shimmer. >It's trying to answer the question Becky asked it. The heat-brain thing is >most likely a reference to Piers Anthony's Xanth book "Ogre, Ogre" (yes, I >know it's probably from many other places, but that's where *I* know it >from). "Dunno," it said finally. It shambled off. Tejina and Becky shared a blink. Tejina was the first to recover. "Do you have anything else, Be--uh, BA-3? A weapon or something, to blow up the bars?" Becky frowned, and sat down on a cot at the back of the cell. "I really only have one weapon left...and it's too big to use in this confined space. >Astute readers will remember what it is. Lazy readers who haven't read the >series in a while (like me) would have to look it up. ^_^; I think at the moment there's only one thing to do." "What's that?" "Get some sleep." She lay down. After a moment, Tejina said, "WHAT?!?" "It's late. We've had a long day. Kireiko will be able to get us out tomorrow, once he sleeps off that hit to the head. We might as well relax." Becky closed her eyes. Tejina looked across the 'dungeon' to the facing cell. Kireiko lay on his back in the middle, where the guards had dumped him. He seemed to be snoring. She noticed that his cell had another occupant; a big furry thing was sleeping on one of the cots...or maybe it was a human-sized thing wrapped in furs. >More on the furry guy later. She looked back at Becky. "Do you have any *food*?" she asked hopefully. "Sorry, I left my rations in my other coat. Just go to sleep, we'll get get some food tomorrow." "Yes!" the furry thing in Kireiko's cell called out. "Sleep now! Everyone tired!" It muttered to itself and turned over on its cot. Tejina glared at it, then at Kireiko, and then at Becky. Finally, she walked over to the other cot and lay down (making sure to position herself so no one could see up her skirt), trying to ignore her growling stomach. ===== Nemesis Serendipity Villyn stopped walking and tried to wipe his forehead with the sleeve of his armor. Unfortunately, not only did the metallic surface not absorb much sweat, but his minions didn't notice that he had stopped and plowed into him with all the inevitability of a herd of lemmings with a .1 BAC and bad brakes. >That was a pretty strange metaphor, wasn't it? Fortunately, his armor was massive enough to withstand the wave of goons washing against it without toppling over, leaving him free to spin around and give the minions a piece of his mind. >For some reason I really like that image. Villyn as this huge metallic tower, >with waves of minions washing up against him...don't ask my why, my mind >works in strange ways sometimes. ^_^; "YOU INCOMPETENT FOOLS!" he roared, "CAN'T YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING?" There was a chorus of 'We're sorry's and 'Hail Villyn's from the pile, and Villyn wiped his brow again. He had to admit that his minions really hadn't deserved to be yelled at like that; it was getting late, and the Darkverse was...well...dark. He was all for a dimension of evil, but this place was just *drab*. It made him feel tired; he hadn't cut loose with a really evil evil laugh all day. And, of course, there was Aki... >Oops, too many evils there. No, we're not going for a Heart Heart High >reference. "All right," he said in a relatively normal voice, "even Evil has to rest some time." "I thought there was no rest for the wicked, master!" one of the unnamed minions piped up. "QUIET!" Villyn bellowed. "I'M the most Evil around here and I want to take a break!" "YES MASTER!" the minions shouted, cowering. Villyn glowered at his troops, then glanced around. They were in a plaza surrounded by medieval-styled houses. Dark clouds raced overhead, and it was almost pitch black. He sighed. "All right, men," he said wearily, "we'll have to camp out somewhere. Underneath that bridge looks good enough." He started trudging across the plaza. "Master!" one of the minions piped up. >At this point I took the opportunity to name, define and characterize one of >the minions. It looked like a fun way to put my mark on the story, and I >didn't think the other authors would begrudge me naming *one* minion. "Yes, what is it?" Villyn said, turning in irritation. He noticed that it was one of the two as-yet-unnamed minions who had addressed him. The minion was wearing a camouflage-colored uniform (complete with khaki mask), and was carrying a HUGE backpack. Its weight bent him almost parallel to the ground; this, combined with his lower than average height, meant that his eyes were level with Villyn's stomach (although the top of the pack came up to Villyn's chin). "If we're camping out then I can help!" the minion squeaked excitedly at Villyn's abdomen. Villyn peered down at the minion. "What is all that, my servant?" >Okay, get ready. ^_^; "It's my camping gear!" the minion replied. "See, years ago an earthquake hit my hometown. It was terrible! My house collapsed, I couldn't get to the supermarket, there was no water or electricity...The only reason I survived was because I had all my camping gear with me, so I was able to hike all the way to Tokyo! It took a week! But fortunately I had packed so much stuff that I was able to come through it just fine, even without taking any trains or taxis or anything! After all, I wouldn't want to be in one of those during an earthquake! Anyway, ever since then I've carried all my camping gear around with me, just in case I'm caught in another earthquake. It makes it hard to get through revolving doors, but you can never be too careful! Anyway, if we're all camping out here, everyone can use my stuff!" >The point is this guy has a completely overblown fear of earthquakes, but the >pack and survival supplies gives him a sense of security. He fits right in >with the rest of Villyn's, uh, differently-sane followers. Villyn straightened up and smiled. Some of his minions had been less than total successes, but he had had good feelings about this bunch when he hired them, and he hadn't been disappointed yet. Not only were they devoted and evil, but they knew the value of proper preparation as well! "Good work, my servant!" he boomed. "We shall use your equipment to camp out under the arch!" "Arches are very stable!" the minion squeaked excitedly. >In terms of holding up while in an earthquake, of course. "And in honor of your devotion to our cause," Villyn continued booming, "I hereby award you your code name!" The Bluefaced Black Shadow, the Blank Psychic, the other unknown minion and Thrakkorzorg? Thurston Dunne? Tharz--whatever the hell his name was, all gathered around respectfully. >The previously-named minions. "From now on," Villyn proclaimed, "Our friends will cheer and our enemies fear, the name of...The Quake Camper!" >Okay, see, there's this computer game called Quake. I'm sure you've heard of >it. Quake was the first truly 3D first-person shooter, and it sparked an >explosion in multiplayer gaming. One of the obvious tactics used in these >multiplayer Quake games was that of hiding in ambush for people, a.k.a. >"camping" (like "camping out"). The annoyance it often caused other players >led to "camper" becoming a term of derision. >...It was a long way to go for a joke...for any NORMAL author, that is. The jubilant acclaim of the minions was suddenly cut short by a shower of miscellaneous debris from the surrounding houses. "QUIET!" "Shut UP!" "Do you know what TIME it is?" "Even indecent people are asleep at this hour!..." >Not just decent people, but indecent ones too! Such as the ones found in the >Darkverse, perhaps? ===== In the royal throne room, the Queen and her legionnaire were still staring at Aki, who had just finished speaking in the Brackets of Power. >This is just continuing the end of #18. I didn't quite know what to make of >that chapter, so I muddled through as best I could. Aki herself didn't quite know what had come over her, and was actually a bit embarrassed. After all, the Queen had treated her pretty well for an enemy... She cleared her throat. "I'm, uh, sorry," she said, relieved to find her words bracket-free. The Queen relaxed slightly, then gestured to her legionnaire, who bowed and took the opportunity to try for the Darkverse sprinting record, leaving them alone. "It's...all right," the Queen said warily. "...I'm sorry that the Icon and the Emblem haven't met with your expectations." Aki stared at the Icon and Emblem. They looked like oddly-shaped plates with weird symbols on them. All her dreams and visions, all her searching, all of Charles' nagging, and she finally got the Icon and the Emblem...and she had no idea what to do with them. She burst into tears. The Queen blinked in surprise...then got down from her throne and walked over to pat Aki awkwardly on the back. "...There, there, dear," she said in a hopefully soothing voice. What an odd situation this was...she was actually trying to comfort Sailor Joy. But there was something about the girl that made her feel...sympathetic? >This is all working up to the romantic involvement of Villyn and the Queen. "I'm sorry," Aki sniffed. "It's just...Everyone wanted me to find these things, and now I have, but I don't even know if they're the right ones, and I'm so far from home, and I miss my friends and my..." She stopped for a moment. "...I miss my daddy." >And the eventual reconciliation of Aki and Villyn. "...The one who wants to take over the world?" the Queen asked after a few seconds, still not quite sure of the right thing to say. "Yeah...he does...but I think he cares for me too...I mean, I always said I hated him, but he never yelled at me or anything, he just spent so much time trying to be evil...I just want him to pay attention to me." More tears rolled down Aki's face. "I just want him to be a normal father, and I don't even know if he remembers me..." She buried her face in her hands. The Queen stood still, strange feelings welling up inside her. Finally she gently pulled Aki's head against her stomach. Aki obligingly cried into the Queen's dress. [It's strange, how natural this feels,] the Queen thought. She made what were hopefully soothing noises. Finally Aki stopped crying. "I'm sorry...I got your dress all wet." The Queen laughed softly. "I have more dresses. ...Do you feel any better?" She smiled as Aki nodded. "That's good. I think...no, I'm sure your father misses you. He has to realize how lucky he is to have a daughter like you." She looked off into the distance, and her eyes flashed for a moment. "And if he doesn't...maybe I'll just have to *explain* it to him..." Aki stared up at the Queen. A rather strange thought entered her mind. "Actually...I think it would be nice if you met him," she said. "I think he'd like you. I'm sure he'd respect your opinion." >After all, they're both maniacal supervillains. The Queen's eyes pulled back from wherever they were, and refocused on AKi. She smiled almost competely non-evilly. "Well, that will be nice. Now...I feel as though I've treated you badly these last few hours. Is there...anything I could do to make you more comfortable here?..." Aki looked hopeful. "Can you send me home?" The Queen suddenly looked uncomfortable. "That's...not very easy to do," she said slowly. "It takes a lot of energy to move between the dimensions, unless you use a natural gate, and there isn't another one scheduled..." She She felt a surge of pity as Aki looked down in disappointment. "There, there, dear...I'll talk to my magicians tomorrow. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out. ...But you're tired." She pulled Aki firmly to her feet. "We've been talking for quite a long time. Get some sleep, and tomorrow, after you've had a good breakfast, we'll talk some more about it." She smiled. "Okay?" >This is sort of to show why the Queen doesn't just send hordes of youma to >the Earth to conquer it. Aki sniffed and nodded. "Okay." The Queen snapped her fingers. "Ayesse!" A youma who looked a lot like a male human appeared. He had short brown hair, a rather ordinary gray Darkverse uniform, and sunglasses. "Yo' majesty!" he grooved. >Okay, this is a little complicated...See, there was a villain earlier, one of >the Queen's henchmen, named Esjie. I forget who created him, but whoever it >was said "Esjie" was just "Ess-Jee" or "S.G." for "Supreme General". I, >however, assumed "SG" stood for "Stefan Gagne", a.k.a. Twoflower, who created >Do-Gooders. >Now if you've got all that...At this time, there were really only a few >stories on ImproFanfic. The two big ones were Do-Gooders and MGH. And MGH had >been started by one Aaron Shattuck...whose initials were, of course, "A.S."! >Hence...Ayesse! ^_^; >I don't really know why he's so "hip" and such. Just to give him a >personality of *some* kind, I guess. ^_^; The Queen suppressed an urge to roll her eyes. "Take our guest Aki to... the Princess' Suite," the Queen ordered. Turning to Aki, she said, "Since I never married, no one's lived there since I became Queen and moved into the Royal Suite. I think you'll like it." She smiled again. "See you tomorrow at breakfast." "Okay," Aki said. [I hope there aren't any more of those hideous Youma Yogurt biscuits...] >This was from #18 as well, I think. "We gone!" Ayesse proclaimed, and he and Aki vanished into thick air. >I don't know what "thick air" means, but then, I don't know what "thin air" >means, really. Alone now, the Queen looked around, then sat down on her throne to think... ===== Elsewhere, that very meanwhile... >I believe I saw this phrase used in an Eyebeam comic, by Sam Hurt. Although >now that I think about it, it was probably "Elsewhere, at that very >meanwhile". Brother Maynard and His Eminence looked over their handiwork as it got up from the sewer floor. It was Brother Phelps. That is, yesterday it was Brother Phelps. Now it was Hello Cthulhu. There had been Hello Cthulhus before, true, but this one was different. Stronger, more powerful...cuter. More *concentrated*. It was the Great Hello Cthulhu. "much better," H.E. muttered from his dismal pool. "the hand of the Great One is strongly upon him. we are ready for the next phase" >"H.E." = "His Eminence". I tried to continue the weird formatting for these >guys' speech. Brother Maynard pulled the string on his Hello Cthulhu doll. "I want to be your friend!" it squeaked. "iT wIlL bE As yOu cOMmaND!" Brother Maynard gurgled, his eyes lighting up the Great Hello Cthulhu like twin red high-beams. >Although I seem to recall someone saying Brother Maynard's speech should only >have vowels capitalized. I just did random ones to make it look interesting. >Oh, well... "excellent! with the death of the bhahr'nhee no one can stand in our way! all we need now is that half-oni body for the Great One, then...the world, and jodi foster!" Their hideous laughter, echoing through the sewers, was interrupted by the appearance of a young man in standard cultist robes and an "I'm a Fun Guy From Yuggoth" T-shirt. He took in Brother Maynard, His Eminence and the Great >i.e. "Fungi from Yuggoth", alien creatures envisioned by H. P. Lovecraft. Hello Cthulhu with scarcely a glance, and checked a clipboard with a businesslike air. "Excuse me," he said, "is this the Cult of Cthulhu Local #39924-91?" "yEs." "I'm with Shubby-chan's Happy Happy Joy Joy Fun Club Local #39924-99," he continued. "Recently you sent us a message...I quote: 'tEll shUb-nIggUrAth thAt cthUlhU stIrs, And thAt hE shAll sOOn AwAkE. sprEAd thE wOrd, thE sEAls UpOn thE OutsIdE shAll sOOn brEAk!! hAhAhAhAhAhAhA!!!!!!!!!!!!'" He looked up. "Correct?" >This is a reference to some plot thread from a previous chapter. It was a >throwaway at first, but I'm a sucker for this Cthulhu Mythos stuff, so I >brought it back. Still as a throwaway, but gaining significance, as readers >of the rest of DG will know. ^_^; "yEaH. sO?" The cultist looked at his clipboard again. "Just wanted to make sure I had the right place. Now then...Shub-Niggurath sends a reply to your message." He cleared his throat. "TELL THAT BLOATED OCTOPUS TO BUGGER OFF AND BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE! I'VE GOT PROBLEMS OF MY OWN!" >At this point Shub-Niggurath was also the major villain in MGH. And I kept >trying to create crossovers between the two stories, but it never quite took >off. ^_^; Brother Maynard and His Eminence looked impressed. "thAt'S a GoOD shUb-nIggUrATh. CaN yOu dO lINa inVeRSe tOo?" "thank you for the message," His Eminence burbled. "we appreciate it. you may go now" "Is there a reply?" the cultist asked, his pen poised. >I know I got this joke from some other source, but I can't remember where... "no, i don't think that will be necessary." ===== In the darkness of the cell, Becky/BA-3/Sailor Rapture lay on her cot. It was hard having three sides to her personality. Sure, most people had different moods (the angelic you, or, the more demonic you!), but when your >This is a reference to one of the cutscenes in the PlayStation game Persona. >^_^; personalities hated each other the way hers did... She grabbed her head and squeezed. It felt like her brain was going to crack open her skull and crawl out at any moment. Her clothes started shifting between a fuku and a black suit with trenchoat. She had to do something, now. [All right...TIME OUT!] she yelled in her head. Oddly enough, it worked. In her mind, Sailor Rapture and Agent BA-3 receded to a low grumbling. Her headache got noticeably better, allowing Becky to think clearly for the first time in quite a while. [Okay...what do you want, Sailor Rapture?] she asked herself. [We are captive in the Darkverse! We must escape, use the power of Rapture to foil the plans of the dark Queen, and find the Icon and Emblem!] Oooo-kay. [And what about you, Agent BA-3?] [We must defend ourselves, fulfill our mission, and protect the American way of life!] Becky thought fast. [But we don't have a specific mission right now.] [...Er...] [And defeating the evil Queen will safeguard the Earth for ALL of humanity...including the Americans!] Rapture put in. [...well...] [And Rapture knows the most about that...right?] Becky thought to herselves. [I certainly do!] [And we all want to defend ourselves. No argument there. Right, Rapture?] [Of course!] Becky could feel her agent self mulling it over. This ploy was going better than she'd expected. She'd have to remember how she'd done it. >I felt the Becky-being-unstable plot was mostly played out, so I used some >logic to show a way to solve it. Of course, I didn't completely resolve it, >just make it so other authors could safely ignore it. (I referenced it myself >in #24...) [...all right, I will let you two handle this operation...but if there's any close combat, you let me take care of it. And as soon as we get back to Japan we start working to correct the trade deficit!] [Sounds good to me,] Becky thought. [Rapture?] [A wise choice from any perspective.] [Okay, it's a deal.] They sort of...mentally shook hands. [All right... Now we should get some sleep.] [Goodnight.] [Pleasant dreams.] The presences in her mind retreated. Becky was enormously gratified to find that her headache was almost gone. She also noticed that her clothes had finally settled on her Sailor Rapture fuku...with a trenchcoat. Good enough, she thought. She wrapped the trenchcoat tightly around her, and went to sleep. >I always thought that was a great look for her, so. ^_^ See also the "Becky" >fanart by Yasha, on ImproFanfic. ^_^ ===== Villyn lay curled in a sleeping bag, but he wasn't sleeping. It wasn't the Darkverse that was bothering him. The Camper's tent were were quite comfortable, keeping out the wind and mist. The minions had even >Hmmm. Too many "were"s, and it should have been "tents"... even given him a tent to himself, sharing another nearby so he didn't haev to >And too many "even"s, too! Sheesh, I'm not doing too well in this chapter... listen to any of them snore. Aki's kidnapping was bothering him more than he had expected. He never spent much time with her anymore, but it wasn't because he didn't want to. If she could just show interest in his plans, give him just a little help subjugating the world every now and then...why, he'd be delirious with joy. Was it so wrong to want a child that would help with your life's work? He He didn't even care that Aki was a daughter and not a son, and he knew that would really bother some of the other, less understanding villains. And she really was a sweet girl... Villyn muttered to himself, and then happened to catch a glimpse of the built-in clock on his armor. He froze. He had missed Pinky and the Brain. >I probably put this in because it was a show I was following at the time I >wrote this. ^_^; Plus it seems very Villyn-esque. "TRY to TAKE OVER the >WORLD!" "That does it," Villyn growled, "Adding insult to injury, someone's going to pay for this!" He turned over again and tried to get comfortable. ===== Of course, Villyn wasn't the only parent wondering where his offspring was that night. In the Anderson household, Becky's father and mother were enjoying a quiet cup of coffee before bed, a habit they had independently acquired from dozens of late nights on assignment. >Characterization, whee! I don't know how I came up with that, but I think it >works pretty well. "I know she can more than take care of herself," V said, "but I can't help worrying, just the same." Mrs. Anderson sighed. "I know. Perhaps I should have let her take the neutralizer cannon after all." V paused for a moment, then peered suspicously at his wife. "Wait, if you didn't let her take the neutralizer cannon...what *did* you let her take?" Mrs. Anderson suddenly got very interested in the steam rising from her cup. "Oh...just one of my old Glocks...and some grenades..." V knew his wife too well to settle for that. "And?" She looked away. "...and the spare Little Big Gun." >Oh, *that's* the weapon Becky has... V sighed and slouched in his chair. "I can't believe you. That's secret MiB technology." "Well, you saw all the things that were attacking her the other day! What was I supposed to do?" "I noticed the spare neuralizer's gone, she probably took it too. I swear, that girl is as impetuous as you are sometimes." "Oh, is that so! Well, may I remind you that it was your idea to get engaged even though I wasn't even supposed to know you existed!..." It should be made clear that Becky's parents didn't really hate each other. They sniped at each other like this as a sort of ritual, to blow off tension. After all, it was much better than doing it *literally*... >...I kept trying to find a way to make this joke work, but I don't think it >did. ^_^; See, it's better for them to snipe at each other verbally, than >snipe each other *literally*... ===== "Tej's gonna be GROUN-ded! Tej's gonna be GROUN-ded!" Eiji hopped from one foot to the other for a while, singing his new Tej Is Gonna Be Grounded song. Then, since Tejina wasn't around to appreciate it, he got bored and went back to his own room to play video games. ===== Kireiko's father folded his newspaper, pushed his glasses up a bit, and frowned. "I don't think he's coming home tonight." His wife, clearing away the last of the dinner dishes, smiled at him. "Don't worry, dear, you know he can take care of himself." The middle-aged accountant/exorcist sighed and looked vacantly at the TV for a moment, then frowned at his wife again. "It still bothers me. He's growing up so fast these days. Why, it seems like only yesterday that I was helping him learn addition and subtraction...so maybe someday he could study accountancy too..." >Yes, my father taught me about subtraction before I learned it in school. >Yay. ^_^; "Awww..." his wife came around the table and knelt down behind him, and started to give him a backrub. Then an impish smile fluttered onto her face, and she leaned forward to whisper into her husband's ear. "Of course, this also means we have the house to ourselves tonight." He brightened up considerably at this revelation. "And in other news," the TV continued, "no leads have yet been reported in the search for beloved children's television host Barney..." >Yay, other plots! ===== There was a knock on the door of Keiko's empty room. "Goodnight, dear! Be sure to take a bath! I got a new mop and a bottle of floor wax if you need it!" >This sort of continues to characterize Keiko's parents as a weird combination >of oblivious and obliging. ===== Matsuro's mother, of course, knew exactly where he was. >As we shall soon see. ===== I N T E R M I S S I O N ! ! ! (birds chirping) >This is almost certainly a reference to the Intermission in "Help!". Yeah, >the Beatles movie. I heartily recommend it. If you like this story, be sure to check out Magical Girl Hunters #12 and the upcoming Magical Girl Hunters #18, by the same author! >That was kind of egotistical, but at least it was short. ^_^; E N D O F I N T E R M I S S I O N ! ! ! ===== It was another beautiful morning in the Darkverse. Well...no, it wasn't. It was another drab morning in the Darkverse. The sun, such as it was, struggled vainly to shine through the clouds that covered most of the sky. The medieval buildings of the capital city were illuminated by that pervasive gray light you get during inclement weather. >Probably my favorite "atmosphere" to hang around in. Nevertheless, it *was* morning, so the foul denizens of the Darkverse were getting up and going to work or school, or alternately sleeping in and being slobs. The streets gradually filled up with youma who, while their physical forms ran the spectrum from 'Marilyn Manson fan' to 'nameless horror from beyond time and space', led, on the whole, fairly ordinary lives. >On one hand, you have what look like vaguely pale and gothic humans; on the >other, demonic beasties. Some of the more slackerly youma assembled at the Dark Horror Picture Show >As opposed to the "Rocky" one, I guess. Well, this is continuing something >from #18, so. to catch a cheap matinee. They were surprised to notice what looked suspiciously like two humans come out of the theater. However, since both of them had rather nasty-looking swords, no one decided to comment. Matsuro yawned hugely. "...I'm sorry, Keiko-san, I didn't mean to fall asleep, but that was the most boring movie I've ever seen." Keiko was still latched onto Matsuro's arm, her eyes all sparkly. "Oh, it's okay, Matsuro-kun." [Matsuro's sooooo CUTE when he's asleep!] she thought happily. "You're right, it was kind of boring, but I thought the special effects were pretty good..." "I've seen a lot better," Matsuro said truthfully. He peered down with an odd expression and brushed a bit of popcorn off his pants. >This is an oblique reference to a weird story (urban legend? something like >that) about, uh, how do I put this...a young man takes a young woman out on a >date to a movie theater, and hides his genitals in a bucket of popcorn so the >girl will unknowingly grab him. I swear, I didn't make this up, but I have no >idea if it ever actually happened (I doubt it). I know Dave Chappelle did a >sketch about it on his show (The Dave Chappelle Show), but I know *he* didn't >make it up either... Two short figures stumbled out of the theater behind them. "I'd rather eat the Crispies than go through that again," Balin groaned. Dalin coughed and nodded vigorously. >This is all about how the movie theater was a reference to Mystery Science >Theater 3000, showing really bad movies. Read #18 for more details. ===== "Good morning!" Tejina blinked. She had been thinking about...something. Something rather...complicated. But now there was this light... After a moment she realized that she had just woken up, and couldn't remember what she had been dreaming about...but that happened all the time. >Happens all the time to me, too. Upon further reflection she remembered where she had gone to sleep, and when the rest of her synapses finally booted up she identified the voice which had said "Good morning!" rather cheerily as Becky's. Tejina sat up from the cot, rubbed some sleep out of her eyes, grimaced at the taste in her mouth (which was actually kind of cute), and looked up. >The grimace, not the taste. I swear, that sentence has always bothered me... Becky was standing in the center of the cell, smiling like a true morning person. She seemed to be wearing a trenchcoat, but her shoes, socks hair and facial tattoos were definitely Sailor Rapture. "Ah, you're finally awake," Becky said, beaming. "It's a beautiful morning!...Well, actually it's kind of dull, but it's still morning." Tejina blinked again. Trenchcoat, shoes, socks... >More on this in a moment. "'Hey, baby,'" Kireiko pronounced in English from across the hall. Tejina and Becky turned to see him leaning against the bars with a grin on his face. "Good morning to you too, Kireiko!" Tejina found herself feeling oddly irritated that Becky was able to be this cheerful in a Darkverse dungeon just because it was morning. >Yeah, I hate those morning people too. ^_^; "I like the outfit," Kireiko said, his expression almost a leer. "What, this?" Becky looked down at herself, and started to undo the buttons on her trenchcoat. Tejina and Kireiko's eyes widened. "Uh, Becky," Tejina started to say, but stopped when Becky pulled off the coat to reveal her fashion-disaster Sailor Rapture outfit. Tejina sighed and scrubbed at her eyes. "Yeah, Tej?" "Nothing." Tejina winced as a noise from her abdomen reminded her that it had now been about 36 hours since her last meal. Becky blinked at her, then looked at Kireiko. He looked disappointed. "Wait...did you think that I..." Becky burst out laughing. "Kireiko, you pervert!" she gasped after a moment. He grinned. >See, if you wear a trenchcoat with a skirt, or something that leaves your >ankles bare, you almost look like a flasher. As if you're naked underneath >that coat. ^_^; "Look, can everyone just be QUIET for a moment?" Tejina snapped. Becky and Kireiko turned to stare at her. She felt a sweatdrop break out on her head. "I just wanted everyone to start thinking about getting out of here..." Suddenly there was a noise from Kireiko's cell. They all turned to look, and noticed the furry thing moving on its cot. "Quiet!" it called in a strange accent. "Too early in the morning, it is, for all this noise! Mornings, should be for sleepings!" It clucked disapprovingly, then finally appeared to give up on getting back to sleep and sat up to peer at them. >Yes! It's Zathras! He's from Babylon 5, and he's an awesome character. Well, >I think so, anyway. ^_^; He's fun to write, too. Basically he's a technician >working to maintain an ancient, powerful machine. He knows a lot about >various esoteric areas of science. He's also very mournful, with a fairly >fatalistic outlook on life...much like Marvin the depressed robot from >Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. In Do-Gooders, Zathras became a technician/ >maintenance worker from the Crystal Millennium (or whatever it was called...) >who somehow survived all this time. When she got a good look at it, Tejina realized it could almost be a human, except for something odd about the way its nose and chin were shaped, and some REALLY long sideburns. It was bundled up in brown furs and fabrics, even though it wasn't particularly cold in the dungeon. It didn't look hostile, merely annoyed, and certainly seemed more human than a lot of the youma they'd seen. In fact, it looked human enough to be a "he". "Who are you?" Kireiko said warily. The creature blinked. "Name...Zathras," he said in a sad, raspy kind of voice. "Who...are *you*? Not youma, no. Are you...oni? Or human? Maybe...both." "Well--" Kireiko began. "Ah, does not matter. What matters is you disturb, Zathras' sleep." He scowled mightily at Kireiko. "Sleep is very important. Nothing else to do, here in cells. Only sleep. Thus, is very important. You understand?" "I guess--" "No, you do not understand. I can tell. No one ever listens to Zathras." He sighed and shook his head. "Poor Zathras. Not even have peaceful life in dungeon, have to endure noisy oni." "But I--" "No, Zathras can never have anything nice." Zathras shook his head and >A line straight from Babylon 5. clucked disapprovingly. Then, he happened to look across the hall and catch a glimpse of Tejina and Becky. He immediately jumped to his feet and threw himself against the bars, making Tejina and Becky step back involuntarily. "Oh!...Ohhhh!...Oh...oh. Oh..." Suddenly Zathras looked disappointed. He slouched a bit, and walked over to sit on his cot. "No, not the One. No." >Also from B5. That was the whole point, there was a "One" in Babylon 5 also, >so Zathras was a natural fit. Tejina and Becky shared yet anotehr blink. "Not what one?" Tejina asked after a moment. Zathras shook his head emphatically. "Not the One. Won't talk. Can't talk. Not the One." He looked up at them again with a cunning gleam in his eye. "They told me. Yes, they did. Master Chiang told me. Not to say anything about...the One. Unless it was...the One. Yes. Zathras listens, he does. Zathras listens, and does what he is told." He clucked some more. "No, not the One." >Almost verbatim from Babylon 5, except for "Master Chiang", of course. ^_^; Tejina, Becky and Kireiko threw various looks of confusion between them. In unspoken agreement, they moved near the bars away from the muttering Zathras, to try and talk without him hearing. "He's nuts," Kireiko averred. Becky shook her head. "I'm not so sure. He mentioned something about... Master Chiang. That name sounds familiar...does it sounds familiar to you, Tej?" Tejina chewed on a dyed curl and thought hard. "It does...sorta. It kind of reminds of something..." She flashed on the strange vision about clones of her overrunning Tokyo. "Something from that...Crystal City of Delight from Before the Age of Time." >*That's* what it was called! Zathras jumped up from his cot and rushed over to them. "The Crystal City! You know about..." Then his wariness returned. "No, not supposed to talk about Crystal City or...no...not good." He paused for a moment. "Unless..." There was silence as they stared at Zathras. "Unless what?" Becky finally blurted. "Unless...someday...you might *be* the One. Hm. Yes." He peered across the hall at the girls. They looked at each other. "Which of us will be the One?" Tejina asked. At this, Zathras started shaking his head again. "No, can't talk. Not supposed to talk about that. Zathras listens. Master Chiang gave Zathras list of things not to say, unless, time is right. And that was one of them." He looked at them again. "But...there is another one, yes?...no, wait. Not supposed to talk about three...or One...or...er..." He looked around sheepishly. "You, uh, never heard that." >That last bit also taken from B5. See how it fits together? "Wait a minute." Tejina stepped over to stand across from Zathras, and stared at him. "Do you know something about the Crystal City of Delight, and how we're related to it?" Zathras looked around evasively. "Not supposed to say. No. Master Chiang told Zathras. Only to talk about things when time was right. And time is...not right. No. Not good." "But WHY?" Tejina cried, stomping her foot. Kireiko reached over and grabbed Zathras around the neck, and hoisted him into the air. "Maybe it won't be good if you talk, but it'll be even worse if you don't!" he growled menacingly. Tejina stared, and Becky held her head and muttered something about interrogations. "No...can't talk," Zathras gasped. "Zathras promised. Master Chiang would be very upset. Not good." Kireiko growled and squeezed some more. Tejina sighed. "Kireiko...thanks, but I don't think he's going to talk. Let him go." Kireiko immediately let go, dropping Zathras to the floor, and flexed his muscles. "'No problem,'" he said in English. Tejina rolled her eyes. "As long as you're feeling your testosterone, why don't you pull the bars apart or something and get us out of here? That's the only reason we're still here at all," Tejina snapped, "You let that Queen smack you and were out all night!" Kireiko's cool immediately evaporated. "Sorry," he muttered, and stepped up to the bars. Grasping two adjacent ones, he grunted and started pulling. Tejina took this opportunity to look over at Becky. "Becky, are you okay?" "Yeah...well, better than I was." Becky shook her head. "I was worried about you yesterday...with all that BA-3 stuff." Tejina started to laugh, but stopped when Becky's face got pale. "Yeah...uh...well, I'm a bit better...but I still need a better solution." She tried to smile. Tejina smiled back nervously, then turned to see how Kireiko was doing. Kireiko apparently hadn't had much luck with the bars, even with his oni strength, but Zathras seemed to have convinced him to pull apart the lock holding the door shut. As Tejina watched, he bent a vital piece back far enough that the door was able to slide free. "All right! I knew you could do it, Kireiko!" she shouted encouragingly as he and Zathras stepped out of their cell. Kireiko quickly stepped across and started pulling on the lock of Tejina and Becky's cell door. [Is he blushing?] Tejina thought. [No, that must be from the exertion.] After a few more moments, the lock was open and the cell door slid free. >Of course Kireiko still has a crush on Tejina... "All right!" Tejina shouted happily, stepping out of the cell. "Finally we can find some FOOD!" ===== Aki took another bite of Youma Yogurt biscuit, and grimaced. >How's that for a transition! The Queen was being quite hospitable...even friendly. She couldn't fault her for that...but this youma food was horrible. Maybe it wasn't even fit for humans to eat. "I'm sorry to be such a bother," Aki said, "But do you have any...*human* food?" The Queen, sitting on the other side of the breakfast table, tugged thoughtfully at a glove. And that was the other weird thing about this cozy little meal; instead of wearing her usual royal gown, the Queen had decided to go 'casual' today. Casual for Darkverse women apparently meant a lot of black leather...but not *quite* enough. She was also wearing some makeup which, while it didn't change her complexion, did make her look somewhat younger. She looked almost *exactly* like Keiko. >Not sure why I put this in. In the hope that some other author would take >advantage of confusion between the two, or something. It never happened, >though. ^_^; "Malaise!" The Queen snapped her fingers, and the androgynous Darkverse general appeared, looking bleary. "Yes, my Queen? *yawn*" "You're always eating Earth junk food. Does the palace kitchen have anything that might be suitable for our guest to have for breakfast?" Malaise looked nervously at Aki. "I'll, uh, see what I can find, my Queen," he/she said, and vanished. The Queen beamed at Aki. Aki smiled back, and wondered why the Queen was treating her so nicely. [If it's why I think, maybe my plan will work after all...] Suddenly Malaise reappeared, his/her arms full of stuff. "Uh, hello, my Queen, and, uh, guest..." He/she nervously unloaded the cargo in front of Aki. "I found this box of breakfast food, and some brown stuff, and a bit of fruit, I hear that's very popular in the morning, and to drink there's some of this great stuff, or if not some water. Very pure and distilled." Malaise dropped some assorted utensils with a clatter, and bowed nervously. "Very good, Malaise," the Queen proclaimed. "You may go now, and be sure to let me know how that appointment with the torturer goes." Malaise turned even paler, which was a pretty good trick. "Y-yes, my Queen," he/she said, and vanished, leaving behind only a sad flutter of ticker tape. Aki stared at the table. An orange, some peanut butter, a Coke, a box of "Mitey-Os", and some water. After a moment, she sighed, and dug around in the utensils for a spoon, or reasonable approximation thereof. >"Mitey-Os" is a reference to a breakfast cereal shown in a short film called >"Grinning Evil Death". "Grinning Evil Death" was one of the first films to >actually use computer animation, I believe; it was made at MIT, possibly at >the Media Lab. Mitey-Os, of course, from "MIT"-ey-Os. ===== Villyn looked around the plaza. His minions were breaking camp, loading all the stuff onto the Quake Camper's back again. It was amazing what he could carry in that pack; dinner last night had been a Chinese stir fry of tofu and mixed vegetables, while >That's one of the few dishes I know how to cook, and I tend to make it a lot >when I have to. ^_^; breakfast, finished just a few minutes ago, had been a traditional rice and pickles affair. >One of the few real concrete facts I know about Japanese culture is that >breakfast is traditionally rice, pickles and maybe fish. Now that breakfast was taken care of, of course, it was time to get back to work. "Let's see," Villyn muttered to himself, "If I was the Evil Ruler of this dimension, where would I live?..." Turning around, his gaze inevitably fell on the huge gothic palace. He appraised it with a practiced evil eye. It was imposing, had a good vantage, stuck out like a sore thumb, and was, above all, *evil*. He turned back to his minions. "All right, troops," he bellowed, "Fall... IN!" "I gotta go to the bathroom, Master!" >There was another scene this could transition to, but it turned out not to >come up in the order I put the scenes in. Oh, well. ===== Matsuro and Keiko walked down a street in the Darkverse, not in any particular direction. This was because Matsuro didn't know where to go and Keiko was following his lead. In addition to not knowing where to go, Matsuro also didn't know what to say. [We were on a date last night,] he thought, [and then we fell asleep in the movie theater, or I did, and now it seems to be the next morning...and we're still on the date, and I haven't bought her dinner, I think...I wonder when she'll be satisfied enough to tell me my destiny?...] Suddenly, Keiko stopped walking. "Matsuro-kun?" Matsuro swallowed. "...Yes, Keiko-san?" Keiko turned to Matsuro, and looked deep into his eyes. "Matsuro...how do you feel about me?" Matsuro felt inexplicably warm. "W-what do you mean?" Keiko's eyes bore into his. Matsuro was astonished at the emotion he could read in them. There was hope, and eagerness...but there was also a hint of despair, and...fear? "I mean...we've been out on this date...but it hasn't felt like a date. I want to know...if you didn't have that destiny thing to worry about...would you have asked me on a date?" [No,] Matsuro thought. And yet...he couldn't say that. He could tell right now that it would crush her. He really didn't want to hurt anyone... (and is that the only reason? a little voice in his head whispered...) Matsuro had no idea what to say. He opened his mouth, smiled weakly, glanced around, and was tremendously relieved to see his mother. >Time to break the tension! "Matsuro...you must go to Tokyo," she intoned. Today she was being set upon by little scaly gremlins that seemed to be molding her like Silly Putty. "Hi, Mom," Matsuro said. "Yeah, I live in Tokyo." Keiko smothered a look of pure anger and turned to Matsuro's mother, then looked around with interest as silent lightning swept across the plaza. "Matsuro...you must find and wield the Sword of Duality." The gremlins were molding her into three connected oblong shapes, as the lightning grounded in her back. Matsuro waved his sword around. "Yeah, got it. Have anything new for me?" Another, compact cube of flesh appeared. "Who's that?" "It's your aunt Itako, son, she just recently joined me on the Other Side." "Hello, Aunt," Matsuro said dutifully. He glanced at Keiko and was relieved to see that she was watching the proceedings with rapt attention. A mouth opened on the side of Aunt Itako. "KIYAAAAAAARRRRRR...hello, Matsuro, my boy. It's good that you have such a dutiful son, sis. Not like my lazy, good-for-nothing..." she separated into globs of red oil that turned into little phoenixes that burned to ash that blew away on the wind. >Itako is supposed to be Itami's mother; Itami from MGH, who is hence >Matsuro's cousin. ^_^; She was supposed to have died in a trash compactor, >hence the "cube of flesh". >I really like the "red oil-phoenix" thing...dreamlike and wild and mystical. "Matsuro...you must join the band." Matsuro suddenly realized that his mother was being sculpted into the shape of a computer. Her head was a big square on top like a monitor, and her arms formed a keyboard, with the rest of her scrunched together to look sort of like a fleshy minitower. The gremlins chattered excitedly among themselves and dialed in to a local ISP. "Yeah, I'm IN the band already, Mom." As interesting as this vision was, the revelations were as repetitive as always, and he was starting to get irritated. Suddenly, a girl in white popped into existence. "Bishounen Guy, my love, you must find the Icon of Rapturous Delight!" As she disappeared, Keiko turned to glare at him. [Okay, maybe there's something to be said for boring and repetitive,] he thought. "Matsuro...you must prevent the formation of evil," Matsuro's mother's face said from behind a fan fiction website. >a fan fiction website, i.e. ImproFanfic, of course. "Yeah, I DID that, Mom," he said, desperately trying to ignore the looks Keiko was aiming at him. "You are the Chick, Matsuro, the Egg is the World." The gremlins had, by this time, hacked into the USA's FBI computers and were busily inserting limericks about Mike Tyson into all their web pages. >The chick/egg thing is of course a reference to Utena. The think about the >limericks, I dunno, it's just random. "...All right, I've only heard that once before...that's good, Mom. Now, can you tell me what it means?" Suddenly the gremlins and his mother's body were sucked into her head, which started inflating like a balloon. "You cannot understand that which you do not destroy," she yelled at him. "One man will kill his find, the other will master him. There is no Emperor for your honor, the only loyalty is to name his dice. I am the igloos, I am the wall man! Tako o Hoshii!" This last was delivered with enough force to force Matsuro and Keiko back a couple of steps. >The first few "prophecies" are manglings of cryptic sayings from the Hidden >Emperor storyline of Legend of the Five Rings. I believe the original sayings >were: "You cannot destroy that which you do not understand.", "One man will >find his master, the other will kill him.", "There is no loyalty but to the >Emperor, there is no honor but to die in his name.". Then there's a reference >to "I am the Walrus" by the Beatles. And then...You know those old Taco Bell >commercials with the dog saying "Yo quiero Taco Bell"? Well, that means "I >want Taco Bell" in English. So "Tako o Hoshii" means "I want Tako"...and in >this case, "Tako" might be a Japanese version of "Taco", or it might mean >"octopus"... After a moment, Matsuro blinked. "Uh...was there anything else?" His mother appeared to consider. "Matsuro...you must give me some grandchildren." >And this was my contribution to the Matsuro's mother storyline. Of course, it >also served to advance the Matsuro & Keiko storyline. But more on that later. There was a pause. "WHAT?!?" "Well, what do you expect me to say, son? Oy, I'm DEAD here already, and you mope around the house all day, shutting yourself off from all the nice girls in the world--" >And Matsuro's mother suddenly takes on attributes of a Jewish mother. ^_^; "Mother!" Matsuro yelled. "What are you TALKING about? I can't--" He was suddenly transfixed by the look Keiko was giving him. He felt like a butterfly in an upscale store where they sold speared butterflies. >I've actually been to a store like this, in South Street Seaport (NYC). "--I mean I could expect it from Itako's no-good son, but I always thought you LOVED me, Matsuro, and the least you could do would be to go out and have a one night stand, but you wouldn't even do that for your dear departed mother--why, you spent a whole night with this Keiko girl and you didn't even make a move on her, OY! how did I raise such a son? Keiko, you're much too nice a girl for this son of mine!" Keiko turned to the floating head and giggled demurely. "Oh, he's not so bad once you get to know him!" she chirped. Matsuro's jaw dropped. "--so needless to say I'm impatient here on the Other Side, wanting to know if our family tree will wither before you drop any fruit, so I just wanted to tell you to get on with it already, especially with such a willing girl right there in front of you!" Keiko put her hands to her face and blushed. "Oh, but I don't think...I mean...it would be my first time..." Matsuro finally passed through shock and out the other side which, oddly enough, let him speak again. "Mother, I *can't* go and start a family now... I'm not even out of high school! At least wait until I'm in college until you start in on this!" The floating head of Matsuro's mother sighed. "Well...I guess you have a good point. It wouldn't be very responsible to get such an early start." A tear ran down her face. "Who would have thought my boy was already so mature. Oh, I'm so proud of you, Matsuro." Matsuro exhaled. This was the weirdest hallucination yet, but it sounded like the worst was over. "Yeah...thanks, Mom. I appreciate it. So...you said you couldn't tell me my destiny again...Is there anything else you have to say right now?" The floating head thought for a moment. "Yes...yes, in fact there is. Now listen closely, Matsuro, because it's something very important." Matsuro and Keiko both leaned in to listen. Suddenly the head inflated to an incredible size and then burst. The fragments fluttered down and reformed into dozens of copies of Matsuro's mother who all screamed the same thing: "DON'T LET THE DWARVES GET AWAY WITH YOUR SWORD!!!" Then, suddenly, they were gone. When Matsuro recovered from the shock, he noticed two short figures tiptoeing away, carrying his Sword of Duality between them. "HEY!" ===== Becky, Tejina and Kireiko prowled through the corridors of the palace, Zathras trailing along behind them. "Where's a fast food restaurant when you need one?" Tejina muttered. >And we have a chapter title! "Only kitchen in palace, have any food," Zathras put in. "We will not find any food, wandering around, like this. Youma food, probably not good for humans eating." He shook his head and clucked mournfully. "I'm going to start acting like an oni if he doesn't shut up," Kireiko growled. "Do you have anything *useful* to say, Zathras?" Tejina asked irritably. Zathras blinked. "Useful?" "Yeah. Like...what are Becky and I supposed to do with these...magical girl powers?" "Ohhh...hm. Zathras...not know for, certain. Zathras good at doings... not understandings." >Yet another line from B5. ^_^ Tejina heard Kireiko mumble something about "shuttings up". "Well...is there anything you can *do* to help us? Like, maybe help us find the Icon and the Emblem?" "Hmmm. Icon and Emblem, powerful weapons. Stolen, years ago, by Darkverse. Probably, we find them...here in palace, somewhere." Tejina gave in to the urge to roll her eyes. "Thanks a lot." "Hey, what's this?" Becky opened a door and peered inside. "Hm...it looks sorta like...a bathroom, I think." Tejina blinked in Becky's direction. "Men's or women's?" "...Uh...dunno. ...Well, I need to use it." She disappeared inside. "Kireiko, you stand guard," Tejina said, and pushed open the door. "Hey, I need to go too!" Tejina glared at him. "Okay, okay..." He stood outside the door and folded his arms. A youma came along the passageway and looked at him. "Maintenance," Kireiko growled. "But I really need to go!" Kireiko roared in the youma's face. It hurried off. "Hmmm. Useful," Zathras said, obviously impressed. ===== "And this is Nemesis Pestilence Vengeance, my dear departed mother." Aki looked up at the painting and tried to seem interested. To be honest, she was getting extremely bored with portraits of Darkverse royalty, after having to look at them for two hours straight. She was now quite adept at tuning out the Queen's tour guide history chatter. It had all started when the Queen suggested a tour of the palace while her her magicians worked on the problem of sending Aki home. Aki, having nothing else to do at this point, had agreed. She was still hungry, but she didn't want to deal with any more of the palace staff's efforts to scrounge up human food either. The Queen, for her part, was a bit bewildered by how she felt about Aki. True, the girl was Sailor Joy, but she felt oddly...protective of her. She hadn't had anyone to talk to as an equal in so long...The Queen told herself that she was being hospitable to lessen the chance of Aki using the Brackets of Power again...but, deep in her heart, she hoped the magicians didn't have any luck with the portal. "And that's the last of the Royal Gallery," she concluded. Aki blinked, as if waking up. "Oh," she said. "Um...yeah. That was...very nice." She noticed the Queen beaming with pride. "Is there...something else we could see? Like..." A thought surfaced in her mind. "Any of the stuff from the Kingdom of Delight after you took it over?" The Queen considered. "Well...yes, there are a few things, but not very many..." "I'd really like to see them," Aki said in her most polite voice. [Anything but more paintings...] The Queen suddenly smiled. "Well, of course we can see them," she said. "This way." She strode off confidently through the maze of corridors. Aki followed, passing huge ballrooms and quiet storage areas, kitchens and dining rooms, and even what appeared to be classrooms, until turning a corner and coming face to face with-- More paintings. [Maybe I should take up swearing,] Aki thought. "These are all the treasures we took from the galleries of the Crystal City of Delight," the Queen said proudly, a sweep of her arm encompassing a few sculptures, half a dozen glass cases holding vases and things, and, of course, several dozen paintings. Aki sighed in resignation and looked at the paintings. After a moment, she started to blush. "Er...the paintings..." "Hm?" the Queen hmed helpfully. "...The paintings...they all seem to be sort of, um...erotic." Aki held her hands to her burning cheeks. The Queen looked around. "Yes, I noticed that too. Apparently when they said 'Kingdom of Delight', they really *meant* it." >I can't really remember whether I got this joke from somewhere else, or if it >was original with this chapter...^_^; Aki stared. "But there are a few other portraits," the Queen continued. "Here's one of Master Chiang, for example." As Aki turned to look, her face went from burning red to deathly pale. "I've always wondered why there are all those insects in the paint--" The Queen blinked as she was cut off by a piercing scream. >This references Aki's nightmare that she's had about Master Chiang and his >insects. ===== Matsuro hoisted Balin into the air and peered at him eye to eye. "That's my sword," he said menacingly. By this time, he had recovered his usual bishounen angst. It seemed to make an impression on the dwarf. "We didn't mean to steal it," Balin babbled. "I mean, we did, but we didn't want to. I mean, we didn't want to bother anyone, we just didn't want to have to eat those Crispies! Anyway, it was all Dalin's idea!" "It was not!" Dalin cried from slightly underneath's Keiko's cleaver. "What Crispies?" Matsuro said emotionlessly. He felt a lot more himself than he had in a while. Balin looked at Dalin, who looked back at him fearfully. He then looked at Keiko, her sword, and Matsuro's sword. Finally he looked back at Matsuro. "It's a fair cop," he said. "I guess we should tell you the whole story. Just...please don't hurt us?" >"It's a fair cop", which is thieves' cant for "you captured me fair and >square", as far as I can tell. This is what the "witch" says after being >weighed, in Monty Python's Holy Grail movie. Matsuro grunted. "I'll think about it." He dropped Balin to the ground and swung his sword a bit for emphasis. "So, start talking." Balin and Dalin looked at each other, and then proceeded to relate the whole story, starting with the Valhalla weapons repository and ending with the dwarves' most recent attempt to obtain the sword, not leaving out the Valkyries' attack on Matsuro at the Tokyo Legitimate Businessmen's Club. Midway through the tale they realized that Keiko's sword was actually the other missing Sword of Duality, and had to be re-menaced before they would finish their explanation. When they were finished, Matsuro stood for a few moments, thoughtfully. Keiko looked up at him. "Do you think they're telling the truth, Matsuro- kun?" "They look too scared to be lying," Matsuro said. The dwarves nodded vigorously. "But I don't understand how my mother got the Sword of Duality, or how Keiko got hers." "We don't know either," Dalin said, "We just do inventory!" Balin agreed vehemently. "But...we really don't want to have to eat those Crispies, so... could you please let us have the sword?" Matsuro scowled at them. He was tempted to refuse on general principle... They had almost stolen it, after all. But he also wasn't sure he wanted the responsibility the sword represented. Maybe if he got rid of it, his visions would stop. Or, on the other hand, they might get worse as his mother told him to get the sword *back*. "I can't give the sword to you just yet," Matsuro said, "I have to use it to fulfill my destiny." The dwarves digested this for a moment. "So...once you're finished with your destiny," Balin said hesitantly, "...can you give it to us?" "Maybe." Balin and Dalin looked at each other. "Do you mind...if we tag along until you get through with...whatever it is?" Dalin asked. [That way,] the thought ran through both their minds, [even if the Valkyries come looking for us, we'll be able to say that we've been trailing the sword but its owner was too powerful to get it away from...and let them worry about it!] Matsuro shrugged. "Whatever." The dwarves looked at Keiko. "And...what about your sword, Miss?" Keiko eyed the dwarves with a sneer. "I'll think about it," she said, her tone making it clear that such a thing was not actually very likely, and punctuated the sentence with a casual swipe of the erstwhile cleaver. The dwarves sagged a bit, but on the whole looked rather optimistic. Then a thought struck Keiko. "Say...how old are you two?" Dalin and Balin looked at each other in surprise. "Mid hundreds," Dalin said warily. "Why?" >They're dwarves, of course... Keiko grinned a rather evil grin. "Maybe I'll consider your request in a more favorable light if you do me a favor..." ===== Tejina threw down the biscuit she was chewing and scowled. "This stuff is terrible." "Zathras said so," Zathras said indignantly. "Youma food not good for humans. Zathras warn, but no one whulf!" As might have been expected, Kireiko had shoved Zathras' face into a bowl of something that was hopefully oatmeal. He then proceeded to tilt his head back and empty the box of Mitey-Os into his mouth. "Kinda dry," he said muffledly. Tejina glared at him. "Here, have some water," Becky said. As Kireiko smiled and took the glass, Tejina glared at her too. Unfortunately, Becky went back to searching for edible food and thus missed the look entirely. Tejina slouched in her chair. "This isn't fair," she whined, "I'm so HUNGRY! My stomach hurts..." "Why, Sailor Delight!" Tejina stopped whining for a moment to consider. That voice, it sounded familiar... "Hah! I knew it wash you! Rover didn't believe me, but hah! I told him hah!" Oh, that's right. The animals. Tejina swiveled around and adjusted her gaze downward. "Hey, guys...what are you doing here?" she asked. Rover snorted at her. "We could never leave our charges imprisoned and in trouble." "But you did, for a whole night." "We were just coming to rescue you," he continued imperiously. "M-hm," Tejina m-hmed. "And how were you going to do that?" "I had a plan, of course. But that doesn't matter now that you're free. Now we just have to find Sailor Joy and we can get out of this festering pit." Tejina turned to Daisy. "Daisy, just out of curiosity, what was his plan?" "We as...ash...*ashked* him, and he shaid, 'Wait and shee'." Tejina noticed that Charles, at least, had the decency to look embarrassed. "Tej, come on," Becky put in, "they came all this way to save us, you don't have to give them a hard time like this." Tejina ignored her. "Daisy, how did you get drunk in the middle of the Darkverse?" "There was thish bar..." She hiccuped, and Kireiko snickered. Tejina rolled her eyes. "Never mind. Let's just find Aki and get out of here. I don't suppose any of you can help with that? "She's probably being held in the dungeon," Rover scoffed. "No, she isn't, because WE were held in the dungeon overnight and she wasn't there! So I guess we can rule out any of you having any mystical sense that might help find her." Even Rover looked a bit sheepish now. Daisy, however, was glancing around more or less alertly. Suddenly, she froze. "Zathrash!" she slurred loudly. Zathras waved a little wave. "Um, hello," he said. Daisy wobbled over to him. >Yet another B5 line. ^_- "Zathrash, I can't believe you're shtill here! After all thish time! You remember when you ushed to pour your drinksh into a little dish for me?" Zathras chuckled and scratched Daisy behind the neck, eliciting a purr. Tejina and Becky blinked a few times. (Kireiko had apparently found something edible and was wolfing it down.) "You know him?" Tejina said. Rover peered at Zathras. "Hmmm...he does look familiar. I think he was a maintenance worker or engineer or something, back in the Crystal City of Delight." Tejina looked around. "All right...I'm glad we all found each other again. Now we have to go find Aki. Becky?" Becky nodded enthusiastically. "Kireiko?..." Tejina blinked. A landscape of wrappers, rinds and crumbs extended outward on the table from Kireiko's seat, like debris from an impact site. He was cleaning his fangs with a utensil that was probably not meant for such a task (then again, this *was* the Darkverse...), and had a satisfied expression on his face. "Kireiko, you actually ATE all that stuff?" Tejina asked, astonished. He grunted. "My mom's cooking isn't *this* bad...but it's close." ===== "I'm really sorry," Aki said again. She was sitting at a table in a lounge, not far from the galleries. The Queen patted her shoulder. "Don't worry about it...I think that painting would scare anyone." Aki shivered a bit more. "Is there...is there any way I could call my father from here? Or get in touch with him somehow?" The Queen blinked. "Actually...there might be." She snapped her fingers. "Ayesse!" The funky Ayesse appeared again. "Yo, majesty!" "Bring my portable crystal!" "Yo!" He vanished into a swirl of black fog, only to reappear in a few moments holding a crystal ball. >This black fog later got changed to hot air by some other author, I think. >I didn't really mind; I wasn't too attached to the fog. ^_^; "Good work! Now leave us." "Yo!" He poofed away again. The Queen shook her head and sighed, then set the ball on the table and sat down across from Aki. She began to wave her hands over it in supposedly mystical gestures. >Much like Queen Beryl is always doing. Aki watched the ball, fascinated. Glowing mists swirled inside, but they soon parted to reveal what seemed to be a group of five girls wearing fukus, draping themselves across a portly teen in glasses and tuxedo. >This is a scene from MGH, with the Sailor Shoggoths (not Shuggoths) and >Prettyboy Warrior Nekomi Tech Kamen. I'm amazed I remember that so well. The Queen scowled and thumped the ball, causing the image to fuzz out. "Stupid thing," she muttered, "Never worked as well as the one in the throne room, and even that one isn't anything to write to Earth about...hm, wait." >write home about, write to Earth about... The mists parted again to reveal the armored form of Villyn, trudging along a street trailed by his loony minions. "Daddy!" Aki cried happily, leaning forward. "Which one is your father?" "The one in front, in the armor. But where are they?" [Him?] the Queen thought. [He looks kind of handsome.] "I'll adjust the >OMINOUS CHEMISTRY! image," she said, and made some more careful gestures. After a moment, the the image zoomed out a bit to reveal some of the surrounding buildings. The Queen frowned. "Why, they're in the Darkverse. In fact, they're almost--" >...right in front of the palace! She broke off suddenly, then stood up and grabbed Aki by the hand. "Come along, child, quickly." Aki blinked as she was pulled out of her chair and along the corridor. "Ayesse!" Ayesse appeared yet again. "Yo!" "Put away the crystal!" the Queen yelled from down the corridor. "Yo!" Ayesse called after her. ===== Balin stepped nervously out of the Dark 'n' Drab, a steaming stein in his hands. "He made me pay for the mug too." Keiko snatched it away from him, her eyes gleaming wickedly. "How about I don't kill you, shouldn't that cover it?" Balin nodded morosely. Keiko's eyes sparkled as she looked at the mug. Matsuro's eyes were considerably less sparkly and quite a bit more wary as he looked at her. "So, you're going to use that in a spell, Keiko-san?" Keiko smiled happily at him. "That's right!" "And...uh...what is this spell going to do?" Keiko grinned. "Just watch." She looked down into the mug thoughtfully. "Now, my previous spell should probably still be active...so all I have to do now..." >This was some previous thing where Keiko cast a spell but needed alcohol, or >the blood of a youma, or something. I forget the details. She took a long swig. Matsuro blinked. "Keiko-san, are you sure that's such a--" Suddenly there was a loud THA-KOOM! sound, and Matsuro staggered back a few steps. He stared in shock as a bolt of black lightning stabbed down from the sky, enveloping Keiko in a crackling purple haze. Then the aura dimmed, like a gas flame being turned down, and...Keiko grew, about five or six centimeters from the looks of it. And she got a bit taller, too. >i.e. her bust grew five or six centimeters... The special effects died down, and Keiko stood unharmed. The air of dark passion around her had intensified. Her hair was full and lustrous, her skin was perfect...her costume not only fit, it *belonged* on her. Any moment now a civil engineer was going to start putting up 'Dangerous Curves Ahead' signs around her. Matsuro suddenly felt very warm indeed. He could only stand and stare as Keiko took a step towards him...and another...and another...and finally... ...she fell forward as if hit by a tranquilizer dart, slumping against his body. Matsuro staggered as he suddenly had to support her dead weight. She giggled in his ear. "Hey, big boy...ish that a shord in your shtomach, or are you jusht glad to shee me?" >So much for *that* tension! Matsuro's jaw dropped. "K-Keiko-san...are you...*drunk*?" "That's pretty strong stuff there, boy," Dalin averred. "A young girl like that, probably hasn't done much drinking before...well, it's no wonder she's pissed." Keiko swiveled to face the dwarves, making Matsuro stagger again as her weight shifted. "I am NOT pished!" she snapped. "I'm jusht...a little annoyed." She giggled again, then started to laugh hysterically. >I have no idea where I heard this joke, but it's one of my favorites...I tend >to use it any time someone gets drunk. ^_^; [Why is this weekend turning out so complicated,] Matsuro thought to himself... ===== "Wait a minute...you mean my father's actually *here*?" Aki was hurrying to keep up with the Queen as she strode through the palace. "That's what the crystal showed," the Queen replied. She seemed preoccupied to Aki. "In fact, he should be close by, by now." Aki was silent for a few moments. "Then...he really *was* coming to rescue me?" The Queen looked back and smiled at her. "It seems that way." Aki turned this over in her head as they walked. "Well...if that's so... When are we--" She stumbled to a halt as the Queen suddenly stopped walking. She looked around in confusion; they seemed to be in a large foyer, with doors leading out of the palace... In front of which her father was standing. Aki felt tears welling up in her eyes. "Daddy?" she said softly. Nemesis Serendipity Villyn opened his arms, and she ran forward and hugged him as best she could without hurting herself on his armor. "Daddy!" Villyn put his arms around his daughter and gently held her. "There now, Aki-chan, it's all right...I'm here now. I'm sorry it took so long..." She looked up at him. "Daddy...I didn't know if you were going to come rescue me..." He smiled at her. "Of course I was! If I can't rescue my own daughter, I don't feel fit to be an Evil Overlord." Aki blinked, feeling disappointment spreading in her soul. "Besides," he said after a moment, "I...missed you. You are my only daughter, after all." He gently tousled her hair, and she smiled and hugged him again. >Awwww...^_^ "Hey," the Bluefaced Black Shadow said, "the Goddess is Villyn-sama's daughter!" "His daughter?" the unnamed minion said. "Then that means..." "...Villyn-sama must be..." the Quake Camper continued. "...a God himself!" Thrakkorzorg? Thurston Dunne? Tharz--whatever his name was, finished. "HAIL, VILLYN-SAMA!" the minions cheered. Villyn looked back and scowled at them. >This is weirdly circular logic, but it's appropriate for DG. Trust me. "Not now, my servants!" he snapped. He looked back at his daughter. "Good help is so hard to find these days," he muttered. He smiled, and Aki giggled. "Now...you shouldn't have doubted that I would come get you," he said seriously. Aki smiled. "Okay...I won't any more." She disengaged from him, and suddenly remembered the Queen. "Oh, Dadddy, there's someone I want you to meet..." The Queen was standing regally, yet approachably, a couple of meters back. She sized Villyn up as they walked toward her, and Villyn's eyes locked onto her as soon as he saw her. "This," Aki said, "Is...uh..." "Charity Darkness Vengeance," the Queen said throatily. She held out her hand. >And here we go! Villyn raised his eyebrows, took the offered hand, and brushed his lips against it. "How charming," he rumbled. "Charity was my mother's name." Aki watched this exchange with an odd sense of inevitability. "Charity helped me escape from the palace so I could meet up with you," she said. It wasn't *exactly* a lie, after all..."And Charity, this is my father, Nemesis Serendipity Villyn." "Why, what a coincidence," the Queen said, "Nemesis was *my* mother's name." She smiled in a rather sultry manner. Villyn paused for a moment, then decided to take this last comment as a compliment. "I must extend my thanks to you, for being here for my daughter when I regretfully couldn't," Villyn said smoothly. The Queen's eyes sparkled. "Oh, it was nothing, your daughter is such a *wonderful* girl, and she's told me *so* much about you." Villyn looked at his daughter fondly. "That's my Aki-chan." Aki smiled happily, inwardly wondering if what she had just done was really smart, or really stupid... "Master!" the Quake Camper called excitedly. "Master! Master!" Villyn tore his eyes away from the Queen and glared at his minion. "Yes, what IS it, already?" he shouted. "It's the Do-Gooders!" The minions hopped around excitedly. Aki, Villyn and the Queen stared down the hall. It did appear that the Do-Gooders were coming down the hall toward them. Aki suddenly grabbed her father by the shoulders and looked into his eyes. "Daddy, will you do something for me? Please? Something important?" Villyn blinked and looked at his daughter. "Well...of course, dear. What is it?" "Don't fight the Do-Gooders now. Please. At least...wait until some other time or something." Her eyes were pleading. "I know they're your arch- enemies and all, but..." Villyn looked at his daughter, then frowned. He looked back at the Do- Gooders. They were already shouting something, and obviously recognized him and his minions. His villainous instincts warred with his love for his daughter... Then something clicked in his mind. He folded his arms. "HA HA HA HA HAAAA!!!!" He boomed. His minios cheered. "So, Do-Gooders, we meet again! But I see this dark world has not treated you kindly. I propose a truce, until we return to Tokyo! What do you say, Do-Goodies?" He leaned forward and sneered. "Prepared to act civilized for once?" >See, Villyn has managed to rationalize not fighting the Do-Gooders right now. Tejina and the others stopped a meter or two from Villyn, and stared. Tejina noticed Aki's expression, and blinked a few times. "...All right, Villyn..." she said after a moment. "...We'll let you go this time." >And Tejina has figured out how to phrase her response to play to Villyn's >villainous mind. Villyn grinned. "HA HA HA HAAA!!!" He leaned down to his daughter. "Was that okay, dear?" he whispered. Aki had to smile, and kissed him on the cheek. "That was just fine, Daddy," she said. Villyn glowed. Tejina stepped past the disappointed minions to Aki. "So, Aki...you're safe! And you found Keiko! But where's Matsuro?" >Remember that Charity looks like Keiko at this point. Aki sweatdropped. "Um, no, this is actually Charity. Charity, this is, um, Tejina, a friend of mine." The Queen stared at Tejina, then managed to convince herself that the reason they didn't recognize her as the Dark Queen was because she was dressed casually, and tried to smile. "It's...ah, nice to meet you," she said. Tejina eyed the Queen nervously. "Uh, likewise. Oh, uh, that reminds me, we also found someone...um, Zathras?" She looked around. Zathras, Kireiko and the animals were involved in some kind of discussion with Villyn's minions. Tejina couldn't tell exactly what they were saying, but managed to overhear the words "propellor" and "bathmat". "Zathras!" she >No idea what the refers to...use your imagination! yelled. Zathras finally noticed her and shambled over. "Aki, this is, uh, Zathras, who says he actually lived in the Crystal City of Delight," Tejina said. She noticed Aki blush slightly and blinked. Then they both blinked when Zathras rushed up and grabbed Aki's hands. "Oh! Oh!...Oh...oh." He slouched again. "Oh. Not the One. No." Tejina rolled her eyes. "What's he talking about?" Aki asked. Tejina shook her head resignedly. Zathras was now poking at Villyn's armor. "Hm, yes, very good. Good workmanship, yes. Hm, yes. Oh, no. No, not good." Villyn scowled. "What do you mean, 'not good'?" he bellowed. Zathras cowered and scurried behind Tejina. "Many apologizings," he stammered. "Not meaning to insult. Simply, differences in design philosophy." "Don't worry about him," the Queen purred, slipping her arm through Villyn's. "I think your armor looks very well made." Villyn grinned, and allowed himself an evil chuckle. "Oh, Tejina," Aki said suddenly. "Yes, Aki?" Tejina replied, hoping desperately for a distraction. "You'll never believe this...but I found the Icon and the Emblem!" Tejina blinked. "Really?" Kireiko said from behind her. She jumped, not having heard him approach. "Really!" Aki beamed, and held out the Icon and the Emblem. Tejina and Kireiko took one each, and inspected them eagerly...then in bewilderment. "That's it?" Kireiko asked. Aki sweatdropped and rubbed the back of her head. "They don't look like much," Tejina said. "Hey, it says they're replicas!" Kireiko frowned darkly. "Hmmm. Outside does not matter. What matters is, what's *in*side." They all turned to look at Zathras, who was nodding sagely. "Yes. Those are, Icon and Emblem from Kingdom of Delight. Definitely. Yes." >This was kind of my way of rectifying the Icon and Emblem being fake...which, >if you think about it, would mess up everything that happened before...My >idea was that these were just some random objects that got infused with >magical power. "So what do we *do* with them?" Tejina asked. Zathras looked around evasively. "Zathras...does not know." He made a muffled noise as Kireiko grabbed him around the neck and raised him half a meter off the ground. "'Wrong answer,'" Kireiko growled in English. Zathras flailed a bit. "Zathras...does not know. Really. Must find out...yourselves. But... Zathras does know...that, much more likely...they activate on Earth, than, in Darkverse." Kireiko appeared to consider it for a moment, then dropped Zathras again. He turned back to the gruop. "So, how do we get back?" "HA HA HA HA HAAA!!!" Villyn boomed, eliciting winces all around. "My dimensional gate device can take us all back to Earth!...It would be best, though, if we went outside first, just to be a little safer." >Notice that Villyn can get back and forth between the dimensions much more >easily than the Queen. "All right! Now all we have to do is find Matsuro again, and we can go home and eat!" Tejina smiled cheerily. Kireiko grimaced. He'd been hoping she'd forget... ===== Matsuro staggered, and finally lost his footing and fell on his butt. Keiko went down on top of him in a giggling heap. "Er...Keiko-san..." Keiko pressed against him a bit more, raising his blood temperature considerably. "Mmmm...yes, Matsuro-chan?" She tousled his hair in a rather wobbly manner. Matsuro thought hard. "Um...do you know any spells for...making someone sober?" Keiko blinked, and tried to focus her eyes. "Um...I dunno. ...Let me see." She squirmed around on top of him for a while, and finally dug a notebook out of her back pocket. "Um...black ligh'ning...aura of coolness... bolt of destrusch...detruc...deshtruc...breaking stuff..." She flipped the >"destruction" pages while Matsuro sat stock still, not daring to move for fear of what his body might rub against...or vice versa. "Oh...enhance mental state...that might work." She looked up at him. "What do you think, Matsuro-chan? Would it work? Hm? Would it?" "It's worth a shot," Matsuro assured her. "Could you give me a demonstration?" "Okay!" Thankfully, she untangled herself from Matsuro and got up. She made a couple of gestures, then paused. Matsuro blinked. "Something the matter, Keiko-san?" [Please just do it, please...] "Why am I doing this?" she asked uncertainly. "Because I'd like to see," he replied. "Oh. ...Okay!" Matsuro exhaled as Keiko begin to gesture again. She muttered some words in an arcane language [fortunately, she had stopped lisping], twirled around a bit, and-- POOF! Keiko stood, blinking, in a rapidly dissipating cloud of purple smoke. Matsuro got to his feet. "Keiko-san?" he asked. She turned to look at him, and he was startled by the depth of emotion in her eyes. "Matsuro...you never answered my question," she said. "W...what question?" Matsuro asked, although a sick feeling in his gut told him he knew. Keiko looked deep into his eyes. "How you feel about me." Matsuro felt his stomach dropping. "Um...Keiko-san..." "Now that I think about it, though," she continued, "you really have. All this time and you still call me 'Keiko-san'." >This means that Matsuro is keeping a certain amount of formality in their >relationship, although to be honest I'm pretty sure it's not a very accurate >representation of how it would actually work in Japan, but whatever. ^_^; "Keiko-sa..." The words caught in his throat. "And I saw that girl in your vision. You must think you're destined for her or something." Keiko turned away and looked at the ground. "You probably wouldn't even consider an ordinary girl...and you definitely wouldn't consider someone like me." Matsuro took a breath and stepped forward. For some reason, he knew he had to tell the truth. "Keiko," he said. She didn't move. "You're right. About all of that...except for one thing. You're no ordinary girl...but I like that." Keiko turned back to face him, her expression unreadable. "I told you I'd tell you your destiny once our date was over." He opened his mouth, but she held up a hand. "Let me finish. It's been a wonderful date...But there's one more thing I want." She stepped up close to him. "Kiss me, and I'll tell you." They stood there, for a long time, looking into each other's eyes. It seemed like the world itself paused, taking a moment to think things over. Then, Matsuro leaned forward, bent his head a little, and kissed her. Fireworks exploded. The heavens opened. The earth shook. Jet fighters zoomed across the sky. Matsuro's mother cheered. A Japanese band meandered by playing an arrangement of "Stars and Stripes Forever" for biwa, samisen and drums. The dwarves shouted and toasted with the rest of the Brew. >That's a description of a sort of traditional Japanese band, you occasionally >see in anime. Specifically I think Urusei Yatsura Movie 5 has it...or is it >6?... Matsuro leaned back, and blinked. He wasn't quite sure that had been a hallucination...but it had been pretty cool. "Matsuro!" Matsuro looked around and saw, to his extreme shock, nearly all the other characters in the story standing a few meters away and looking at him. ===== Tejina was the first to recover. "Well, it seems like your DATE went pretty well," she snapped, walking over. "Don't bother asking about us, everything went FINE in those hideous dungeons and horrible dining rooms." [They do kind of look cute together, though,] she couldn't help thinking. Matsuro's jaw hung open. Kireiko sauntered over to him and punched him in the shoulder, smirking. "'You stud!'" he said in English. Matsuro stared at Kireiko as he was knocked onto on his butt for the second time that day. Kireiko blinked and sweatdropped. "Uh, sorry, sometimes I forget about my strength..." Meanwhile, Keiko and the Queen had caught sight of each other. They stood in shock for several seconds. Then, finally, the Queen walked over to stand in front of Keiko, an expression of horror on her face. "How much did you pay for yours?" she gasped. Keiko facefaulted. >This is sort of the required joke when two people wear the same outfit. ^_^; The rest of the crew took this as a signal to start a general conversation. "You were right, Tejina, they DO look a lot like each other," Becky commented. "That's a pretty big load for a human," Balin said to the Quake Camper. "You have any dwarf relatives?" >I don't think this plot point was ever addressed again. ^_^; "So, then we found this dining room, only it was all youma food and--why are you guys still acting weird?" Tejina demanded, as Kireiko and Matsuro glared at each other. >They're sort of competitively jealous over Tejina, remember... "Oh, that's how I started my occult studies too!" the Queen said to Keiko. "WOW! Thash good shtuff," Daisy yelped, and licked some more from the side of Dalin's mug. "I knew you could find the Icon of Rapturous Delight and the Emblem of Delightful Rapture!" Charles squawked excitedly. Aki rolled her eyes. "Well, and who might you be, Miss?" Villyn boomed, joining the Queen, who proceeded to introduce him to Keiko. "Hm, no, not good," Zathras mumbled, deep in conversation with Rover. Finally, Tejina yelled, "All right, all RIGHT!" The chatter quieted down after a moment, leaving a silence broken only by Daisy's continued slurping. "Now that we're all together again, I think we should get back to Earth." Various murmurs of consent from most parties. "And I think Villyn was going to take care of that. Villyn?" Villyn grinned evilly, and touched a button on his armor. A portal sprang up in front of the group. He offered his arm to the Queen. "Coming, miss?" The Queen hesitated for just a moment, then smiled and took his arm. They all walked through the portal in a more or less orderly fashion. The last one through was Villyn's as yet unnamed minion, and the portal closed after his fuzzily defined form, leaving no trace upon the bleak Darkverse street that it was ever there. ===== The sight that met them upon the group's return to Earth was not one any of them had expected. All the actual Earth natives immediately realized that they had returned to Earth in the middle of Ureshii Park. While this might have been unexpected, it would probably not have been much of a problem except that the park looked quite a bit different from the last time any of them had seen it. There was a stage set up to one side, and a large crowd of people clustered around it, singing and dancing and generally carrying on like life was a big party. >This is sort of a skewed version of a Lovecraftian look at the "End Times", >when "all men will be shouting and killing and revelling in joy". Thus we see >that the Cthulhu forces are...uh...in force. ^_^; On the stage, on the T-shirts, on the flags and pamphlets strewn all around the park...was Hello Cthulhu. >i.e. there were supposed to be Hello Cthulhu pictures and symbols on all the >pamphlets and stuff, and only *one* actual Hello Cthulhu. But I think the >next author kind of misread that a little. ^_^; Standing between the group and the crowd was a teenage girl, wearing a sailor fuku. After a moment, she whirled to face them. She looked vaguely familiar; her hair was purple and tied up in pigtails. And in her hands... "MO-ther! Where have you BEEN?" ...was an occupied goldfish bowl. >Two things. First, the talking goldfish mascot had been mentioned as a joke a >few episodes back; I just decided to put it in the story. And as for the >"Mother" thing, well...this was supposed to be a reference to Chibi-Usa from >the second season of Sailor Moon (Sailor Moon R); Chibi-Usa was Sailor Moon's >daughter from the future. Only, this character became Hanaki. ^_^; Notice in >CAPITALIZED QUESTIONS how I talk about her. ===== IS THAT TEJINA'S DAUGHTER? IF NOT, IS IT BECKY'S? PERHAPS AKI'S? IF SO, WHO'S THE FATHER? IF NOT, WHOSE DAUGHTER *IS* IT? IS THAT *REALLY* A TALKING GOLDFISH? SPEAKING OF WHICH, WHAT WAS ROVER'S PLAN TO RESCUE THE DO-GOODERS? DOES IT MATTER? WILL MATSURO FULFILL HIS DESTINY? WILL HE GIVE HIS SWORD TO THE DWARVES? WILL HE FIND OUT WHAT THE HELL HIS MOTHER IS ALWAYS BABBLING ABOUT? WILL KEIKO COMPLETE HER SPELL AND BE TOTALLY EVIL? WILL VILLYN HELP THE QUEEN TAKE OVER THE WORLD? WILL HE SHOW HIS DAUGHTER MORE AFFECTION? WILL THE FBI NOTICE THE LIMERICKS ON THEIR WEBSITE? WHY DID I WRITE SO MUCH? Some of these questions might possibly be answered next time by...(drumroll) Delfina! (cheers, applause) Good luck! "Zathras trained in Crisis Management!" >And of course, *this* is possibly my favorite Zathras quote. ^_^ >Anyway...that's it for that one, then. >12/3/03